As you guys already know since my affair two years ago my husband started trating me really mean. Going out all the time and sometimes not coming home. He would go out of town on the weekends with jis friends and at first he said he was staying at a hotel. Later I found out through finding a picture of him surrounded by three women, that he was not. He was staying at one of his friends' girlfriends. He fessed up to not being at a hotel, but swore that he did not sleep with anyone. He said that he'd never cheated on me. Then I found out he sent a half dressed photo (that I took some years ago) to some hoozy from the internet. He always has some dumb excuse. He was supposedly needed space after my affair, but he started spending time with his friends and other women. This is really starting to make me question him. I trust him, but the things he is doing is really starting to make me wonder. He doesn't wear his ring, he flushed it down the toilet right in front of me as I sat there and cried. That was about 8 or 9 months ago. Today, I paged him on the number he gave me since he went out of town for the holidays. I really don't know why I called, but I did. I pageg him at 11. His friend called me back at 1:30, saying that they went out last night and my husband was still sleep from a hangover. Yeah right. So I asked how did you know I paged him and he replied that it was because he had the pager and wanted to let me know that my H was sleep and not to get mad because he hadn't called back. I didn't say much. His friend asked was I and the baby okay. I told hime yes. He said that when my H woke up he would have him call me. Is he covering up for my husband or what? My husband probably wasn't even there. Do you all think he is cheating? He pobably was at some skanks house layed up with her and his friend is probably trying to find him to tell him that he called. I'M GOING CRAZY!! So many thoughts are going through my head. I think I'm a fool for just staying with him when he obviously doesn't want to be with me. He's probably wandering when will this women get the hint. I feel so stupid. I just don't know where this is going. And then if he does decide to work this out, will he just change his mind again? Why didn't he just leave me when he found out about the one night stand? I would have been able to accept it more then than now, after two years. I've busted my @$$, trying to make this work, but I haven't gotten anything in return. And you know, I know I'm not a bad person and I don't deserve this $hit! I don't. I'm TIRED TIRED TIRED.<BR>Tired of waiting. ANd if he doesn't think I'm worth fighting for why should I think he is? God knows I love him, but I don't need him. I don't need the stress nor the pain. Iwant to be the best mother I can be for my little girl and how can I continue to do that, if I fell like I'm going insane. Why can't he step up to the plate and stop being this part-time husband and father? I took responsibility for my mistakes? When is he? I must be kidding myself. <P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>

Boy, don'tcha just know that I <B>KNOW</B> where you're comin' from!!! <P>I don't know the answer, except that you said <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>God knows I love him, but I don't need him<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So you still love him, and therein, I'm assuming, lies the problem... just like me!<P>Honey, I don't know WHAT we're suppose to "do", but I think you need to try my strategy of "doing" nothing. Lord knows how hard it is, especially since these men keep on keepin' on with the punishment wagon... but, if we truly love them (and we both do) then we hang on - what a hell of a ride, huh??<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>Broken heart, broken promises, broken spirit... let me rest!

hi jamie, is this a retaliation thing for the one nt stand? Maybe? Go with your gut-if it tells you he is full of it, then likely he is. And you do deserve better. He left you and child to spend holidays with friends? Hmmmm. I am not buying, but you are the one he is selling to, not me! And his friend is not your friend. <BR>Sounds like you have just about had enough, your love bank is pretty dried up. Have you thought about plan b? You love him, and you need to preserve whatever feelings you have left for him.<BR>Maybe you need to be loving yet firm with him? The tough love approach. <BR>I sure hope you are protecting yourself from stds. Please be careful-you have a child that needs you! (((hugs))) cl

{{{{{JAIMELEE}}}}}<P>what a s*** our loved ones become- he left you and the baby alone for the holidays- his buddy is wearing the pager and returns the call an hour and a half later- its unreal.<P>go to plan b- for your own sanity, please.<BR>I obsessed about her whereabouts until i got tired of it. Yer arms get heavy after awhile.<BR>our dissolution will be done tomorrow - i cant say i'll be happy, i'll probably be numb. we'll see what the road brings...<P>take care of yourself.

SHERYL: This is a he!! of a ride. It's so hard. I'm trying to take it one day at a time but my feelings seem to go up and down. Thanks for understanding. Thank you !<P><BR>Cl- I really don't know what to think. Sometimes I think he is really sincere and is confused and then sometimes I feel he is full of it. I don't know what else to do. We alraedy live apart. He comes over every weekend. We seperated our finances. He pays half of my rent and half of childcare. I don't know. I try to be tough, but he melts my heart. We are intimate whenever he comes over. I never thought him to be a shallow person. It's like I'd put money (not a lot of money) on it that he's not cheating, but I wouldn't be surprised if he was. I just want to believe so much that he loves me and want things to work. But like I said before, maybe I'm only kidding myself! So, Does being tough, mean no intimacy?<P><BR>Covenant: I was so hurt that he left for the holidays and as well as our anniversry(the 21st). I didn't argue. What's the point? He knows how I feel. Why is it he can hurt me so deeply? Thanks for understanding. Don't you ever wonder, when will the road end?<P><P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>

Have you read plan b? It is not splitting the finances and the childcare!! It is about making him stand on his own. It is about letting him really feel what it is like without you there to support him, to listen to him and to love him. You have to make sure he understands that you want the marriage to work, but not in way it is now. You have to give him a chance to see you are sincere in your ability to forgive, to love again, then go to plan b.<BR>You are still allowing him to use you jamie. I may have the total wrong inpression of this man but it seems to me that you are the bridge for him. You asked when this will stop? No one truly knows but you need to protect yourself and your child.

Jamie-lee,<P>Take this from someone who was convinced to stay in Plan A... You almost certainly need to be in Plan B!<P>It sounds so clear that you've done it all... <B>2 years of trying</B>... I hope it was a good Plan A...<P>If it was... you need a quick, smooth and seamless(as Steve H. calls it) transition to Plan B.<P>Get the letter together... when he comes home...<BR>If you need to <B>protect</B> yourself (and/or your family) legally (and/or financially)... I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. <B>Not for a divorce!... but for protection of you and your family!!!</B> A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge. This is something to start on <B>right now</B>... it takes a few interviews to find a good match for you.<P>Check out my post on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A>. I will update it a bit later tonight for input Steve Harley gave me.<P>It is up to you to make that decision... to move to Plan B... If you do... (and even if you don't)... we'll be here to help!<P>If at all possible... can you make an appointment with Steve Harley?... Just 2 session clarifies a lot! Steve is the definitive source... he's clear up a lot for me!<P>Jim

I paged him again at 5 and he called right back. As soon as I heard his voice, I asked "What took you so long to call back and where have you've been." He immediately cut me off saying, Listen, I am not feeling well and are you calling to argue or to talk. So calmly I asked him to explain why his friend had the pager and why he'd taken so long to call. His reasoning was that the pager number he gave me was his friends, not his. He only has a cellular which is working properly since he's been out of state. He said that he went with his friend to his mother's house for her birthday and was going to call me. And that's when I paged again. He said that he was feeling better from the hangover, but still hadn't been able to eat. He said that I really didn't know him and that bugs him. He said that I always think the worst and he knew what I was implying. I told him that I wasn't implying anything (I was), and that is just how he perceived it. He said, Jamie I know you and I wished that you knew me. I told him to forget about why he didn't page me back, all I wanted was to talk.(I'm a sucker). I asked would he come home a day earlier. and He asked why? I told him if he had to ask forget it. He said that he and his friend had planned to come back on the 2nd. I got quiet. He said, you seem to forget I left 2 days later than I originally planned on and was there with you. I didn't say anything but I was like(sarcasm)"wow, a whole two days". I asked him had he met anyone or started dating. He asked me did I really need to ask such a question and I said yes. He replied NO. I told you that I would never cheat on you even if we are seperated. And went on to say that he'd probably not date for al long time. He said "you just don't know", whatever that means. I asked was he upset. He said no. He asked was I. I said no. ANd that's that. <P> I don't know you guys. He confuses me. Is he telling me the total truth or is he just a good liar. I just don't know if i can do plan B. You see he lives in the barracks and on weekends he drives the hour and comes to see Tamia. He can't have her in the barracks overnight and on the weekends I work , especially need his help. And when he is here, i thrive on his very touch. I was the one who had the one night stand. And as far as I know, there is no one else in the picture. So as far as I know I'm being left for no one. So he must really hate me. I just don't know if I'm strong enogh for plan B. I just love him so much. <P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P><p>[This message has been edited by jamie-lee (edited December 29, 1999).]

jamie-lee,<P>All these sounds like the answers my W & I used to give each other when we were out of town & I still believe that when she said those things she was telling the grut, I know I did; her cheating on me is new.<P>Our stories are different, though, from your profile I read that there has been lots of distrust between you too and then your one-night stand doesn’t help.<P>It does sound like a “yeah, right!” or a “yes, sure”, but what if he’s telling the true? Probably there is more to work on than just infidelity. From the short time than I’ve been around in this forum, it seems to me that the answers don’t lay in the present behavior but in the past. I know that in my case they lay right there. No judgements here, just a thought.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

ALEX,<BR> 90% of me says he's telling me the truth, but the other 10% tells me different. It's just that it seems that I'm the only one trying. Or maybe he is, just not in the way I can see. I just want him to come home and be a family. You're right there is much more for us to work on! Thanks for your response!<P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>