My 4th D-day was the same day I was served with papers. This happened about two weeks ago with out warning. I thought we were in withdrawal and then recovery. He totally lied to me about contact with OW. I am ready for Plan B. The last thing I need is him to have his cake and eat it too like he has in the past. How do I do this with a divorce happening? I will have to talk to him or at least email him on legal matters. I am going to end up sounding mean and he will never come back is what I am afraid of. Help!! I am trying to figure out what to write in Plan B letter. I have two daughters ages 20&22 who have no disire to be part of his new life. If I use them he will think I made them do it, but they are doing this on their own. I need advise please! <p>Thanks, P

betrayedbeyondbelief,<p>Sorry to hear this and you might want to post you Q in GQ II, there are many MB veterans and much more active forum.<p>IMO, in plan B, the rule of no contact is in place to avoid LB or where contacts might give a wrong messages. Occational contact might be unavoidable due to kids, taking care of business etc, as long as you could keep it short, brief and to the point. Do not your D, it is a no no. Do you have lawyer or legal advisor ?. Hope you have one since you need to protect yourself financially.<p>Are you sure you are ready for plan B ?.

Redhat, Thanks for your reply!<p>What is GQ mean?<p>
I plan to write plan B letter to H. I figure I need to stress that any negetive things that happen in divorce needs to be seperate from any feelings and possible reunion he might have with me once the fog has lifted from his brain. Even if divorce is final and he wants to work on our relationship all the things from divorce can be reversed in good time. Am I on the right track here?<p>He has always had the wonderful pleasure of my company in past separations and divorce. He was able to hang out at "home" eat good food and have sex all he wanted with me. It is time for plan B in a big way. I know I am capable of meeting many of the needs that OW can't know matter how hard she trys and if she trys to hard it would backfire.<p>Thanks

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by betrayedbeyondbelief:
<strong>Redhat, Thanks for your reply!<p>What is GQ mean?
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>General Questions II forum.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>
I plan to write plan B letter to H. I figure I need to stress that any negetive things that happen in divorce needs to be seperate from any feelings and possible reunion he might have with me once the fog has lifted from his brain. Even if divorce is final and he wants to work on our relationship all the things from divorce can be reversed in good time. Am I on the right track here?
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>P, Timing of Plan B got nothing to do with D. Only you could answer to yourself about going into plan B. If you do, do it quick before the D is finalized. I do not know your local law and your feeling about finalized D but in no-fault states when SO filed w/ "irreconcileable diff." & non contested D, the proceeding goes quickly. You want also give time for plan B to work out, you might have to stall D a bit.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>[qb]
He has always had the wonderful pleasure of my company in past separations and divorce. He was able to hang out at "home" eat good food and have sex all he wanted with me. It is time for plan B in a big way. I know I am capable of meeting many of the needs that OW can't know matter how hard she trys and if she trys to hard it would backfire.
/QB]<hr></blockquote><p>One more reason you want to press it ... helping H to decide and it is not fair for you when he got all cake(s). Before you do plan B, review your plan A and make sure you leave no hole(s) such as why H still hang on to OW. Is that because of EN that you have not master/meet it or it just that because H indecisiveness ... my 2¢<p>Post you profile & draft of letter B in GQ II and ask input. There are several posts on letter B that you might want to read before drafting one. Again for logistic, do not use your daughters ... email, voice mail or third party such as mediator or lawyer are better choice.<p>Good luck, you are entering the most scary part of MB.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by betrayedbeyondbelief:
<strong>My 4th D-day was the same day I was served with papers. This happened about two weeks ago with out warning. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hello, BBB.
I am in "practically" the same boat as you are, so I think I can help you navigate through some rocky areas. I say "practically" because although my WH moved out and in w/OW on the same day I got div. papers, we really didn't have a D-Day. I never got "told" about her from him. I just sorta "fell into" the info that he had moved in w/her. Went to get my mail, and HIS mail was gone. Nice lady at the PO gave me his forwarded addy. I looked it up on ANYWHO/Reverse Look-up and it was HER addy! I knew her name b/c she had been trying to establish contact w/him for about 2 years prior.<p>OK, you've got the picture now. As far a div. papers...you've got to STALL IT. Check with an atty, and if you have a deadline to respond, DON"T let it pass. DON'T give him an uncontested div. no matter what. This is what my WH tried to do. As I said Div. papers were in the mailbox, and I wasn't served. this is protocol. By mailing them, I think HE thought I would just SIGN them and we would both just walk away from each other. SInce I had NO IDEA we were on the verge of divorce, I certainly did NOT want an uncontested one! <p>He wanted NOTHING to do with me, wrote it in a letter which basically said, "Talk through my atty." I tried. God SHUT THE DOOR SOUNDLY. I will NOT do it again. I consulted an atty who told me that unless I was served, I needed to do NOTHING. He could NOT get uncontested div. unless I signed these papers/ OR serve me good and proper...which he finally got around to doing, but it took 4 more months. In that amount of time, we re-established contact, talked on the phone (still do, very pleasant - although we don't talk about "US"), and I mail him little "niceties" - anything in the vein of "Plan A." I think you can do the exact same thing. Be in Plan A. Read up on Plan A. You can do this without even seeing him! My H lives 180 miles away, but through letters and phone calls, this is what I am doing.<p>Everything seems to be "on hold" for now. I don't know what he's thinking, or planning, BUT I know TIME is my friend! Only time will allow this A to "run its course, and die a natural death" and him to maybe want to try reconciliation. I've let him know I'm open to that, so the rest is up to him.<p>I don't think you should do Plan B while this close to a div. procedure, since it confirms to him that there is NOTHING between you, and he's doing the right thing. I think you should be doing everything to show him why YOU are the best place to be! Especially after such a short time frame.<p>I hope this helps. I will try to be available if oyu need to ask more. I've tried to keep this brief for now, I don't want to confuse you with too much info. (I DO tend to post long posts!)<p>God Bless,
Lupo

Oh Boy! I may be confused now! Lupo you have me thinking like crazy here. I have appt with lawyer for tomorrow. I live in a no-fault state and the divorce will be final in 6 months. I will have to ask her about delays I guess. The last time he filed I asked lawyer and he said I could do nothing to delay the divorce. This OW talks my H into filing and even fills out paper work.This is getting costly!<p>As far as what RedHat said about maybe my plan A had holes in it, that could be true. When H came home last time I spent lots of time with him. I thought withdrawal would be short and quick. I was wrong Big Time. OW woman came back and nosed her way back into his heart. I had no idea and believed everything he said. When I tried to get close to him he was very distant. I just thought he was still in withdrawal and whatever I do will go totally un-noticed until he gets out of withdrawal. I remember reading that on this site. I was just sitting here waiting for us to go into recovery. I tried to get close but he pulled back.<p>Plan A, Plan B? Maybe a bit of both. Maybe I need a custom plan. In the past I pleaded with him to come home. Maybe I was to forceful? This is so hard, isn't folks?<p>[ November 06, 2001: Message edited by: betrayedbeyondbelief ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by betrayedbeyondbelief:
<strong>Oh Boy! I may be confused now! Lupo you have me thinking like crazy here. I have appt with lawyer for tomorrow. I live in a no-fault state and the divorce will be final in 6 months. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>6 months should give you plenty of time considering you have plan A'ing quite sometime.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> <strong>I will have to ask her about delays I guess. The last time he filed I asked lawyer and he said I could do nothing to delay the divorce.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Wrong ... you could contest the D. Listen to Lupo. It might be major LB but you have to protect yourself too, financially. H might even back off if it costs him too much !. My WW does !!.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>This OW talks my H into filing and even fills out paper work.This is getting costly!
<hr></blockquote></strong><p>Yes, the more reason you need legal advice from atty. to stall it. Also it might be desparado act from OW.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong> As far as what RedHat said about maybe my plan A had holes in it, that could be true.
</strong><hr></blockquote>
What I meant by "holes" is you might have not filling the right EN ... and hope there is no LB. From just what your descriptions I do not see anything wrong about last night except H.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong> When H came home last time I spent lots of time with him. I thought withdrawal would be short and quick. I was wrong Big Time. OW woman came back and nosed her way back into his heart. I had no idea and believed everything he said. When I tried to get close to him he was very distant. I just thought he was still in withdrawal and whatever I do will go totally un-noticed until he gets out of withdrawal. I remember reading that on this site. I was just sitting here waiting for us to go into recovery. I tried to get close but he pulled back.</strong><hr></blockquote>
[img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] ???? Withdrawal ??? H has to stop/end A before withdrawal kicks in. You are not even close to recovery.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>
Plan A, Plan B? Maybe a bit of both. Maybe I need a custom plan. In the past I pleaded with him to come home. Maybe I was to forceful? This is so hard, isn't folks?
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>In plan A, you should not show "needing" or making H feel gulity about the A. I rather have my WW come back to me because W choose me rather than pity me. Read again plan A and be patience ... time is on your side. The longer A is the more chances OW does LB !!!. Have you try to go to salon, change your hair style, go to gymn, buy attractive clothing, treat youself nice and show your confident ? but short of suggesting that you plan to move on. LB is defined by your H.