Thank you all for keeping me in your prayers.<p>Last night I spoke to W in car on her way home, as I often do, she told me about contact with OM and started crying. When W got home we talked for about 2 hours about how she really feels the need to be vindicated, and that she can't get over falling in to a trap, she's always so good at reading people. Again, I mostly listened. She is killing herself over finding a way to make this right with herself, a way to have the last word if you will. I don't know how to help her. The OM told her last Friday that his W did'nt know about the A, and now as of yesterday she does. He told my W not to call OMW, "she won't take your call". Sounds like some lying goin here to me! OM doesn't want his world rocked, again. The OM has had an A before and OMW is still there. Do you think she would put up with it for a second time? I know I wouldn't, and made that fact known to W. I told W that I wouldn't beleive a word he say's, to try to call OMW or send letter, then end the A. W say's how can she be sure she gets a letter if a call doesn't work. W really wants to put this behind her, but doesn't know how to do it in a way she can feel gratified.<p>Any suggestions?<p>[ December 06, 2001: Message edited by: Echalon ]<p>[ December 06, 2001: Message edited by: Echalon ]</p>

Echalon,
W feels betrayed ... HA HA HA [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ... sorry, no disrepect to her. I still think her MO to call OMW is to break them so that W could be with OM ... nice dream. It looked like OM "just to wanna have fun" your W and your W have different idea with A. IMHO, you should tell her to let it go, what comes around goes around, let the Lord takes care of it, and learn from it so that she protects herself better. However if she insists, all you need is the OM name & address at USSEARCH to get his wife name, use Exhaustive Super Search. If you know his wife name, send a register letter to her. Keep your coolness, the end is near ... is she willing to say to work on M ?. That is the next step after A dies. When she is ready use MB's POJA to help setting the boundry. Invite her to this forum also her experience will help other BS/WS. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .

Hi all,<p>Last night got quite intense. My job is computer-related and I had to visit a customer for an after 7pm software upgrade. My W left her job early (something normally unheard of), in order to be home with our children. Upon my arrival to the customer site my W called crying and upset. She got a call from OM w/OMW in background crying and upset, obviously OM finally exposed A to his W. He put her on the phone with my W and they exchanged some conversation (heated on the OMW part!). Why did he do it like this, in order to let my W know he told his W? Well, that solves my W issue in trying to find a way to tell OMW. However, again she felt as though he won again, no vindication, no last word. My W was VERY upset, all I could tell her was that it would be alright and that when an A happens there's hurt and pain by all involved, something her and OM should have thought about before doing what they did. Anyway it sounds like OM & OMW are going to have to work things out (really don't care, that's thier M), and so are we. I look at it like now that everything's exposed to everyone, healing can start, I don't know, any comments, suggestions or words of wisdom are as always much appreciated. <p>My wife say's it not as easy as that, and I know it's not. Since my W has all of her other self issues, it will take time, and a lot of it. She asks that I not move to fast and give her time to come to terms with a lot of issues, not just the A, but her feelings about her self appearance, the reasons why she's not in love with me, and her feelings about herself. She's done a lot of harm to herself, her self esteem and values. It may sound like I'm feeling sorry for her and forgetting about my pain, but I do love her very much and I feel her pain, when she hurts I hurt, that's all a part of being married and having deep emotional feelings for your partner. She has to overcome her own pain as do I. I don't know how to help her, or for that matter myself. I'm at another crossroad here and will have to deal with whatever lies ahead. I had a hard cry on my home last night, one like I hadn't had in a while. I just felt really bad for everyone involved, an affair is something I don't wish on anyone. <p>For anyone who may be reading this, and is involved in one, my heart goes out you. If you're not involved in one and are just out to gain knowledge, love your spouse with all your heart, show them they are the most important thing in your life, keep in touch with them, be a good listener and cherish every moment you have them. Give love the way you want to be loved.<p>BTW, my W has another business to No. CA on Monday, the same location in which the physical aspect of the A took place. She asked if I would drive up with her so we can have time alone to just be together. Needless to say I've booked a room elsewhere, a romantic, peaceful getaway B&B in the hills of Pleasanton. I would like to avoid discussions entirely about the A. Give me your thoughts and suggestions.<p>Sincerely, Echalon<p>[ December 07, 2001: Message edited by: Echalon ]</p>

Echalon,<p>The road to recovery is very long one and difficult one but LOVE WILL PREVAIL. This MB concept is really setting up for not only restore marriage but to protect & to cherish it as well. Just be patience, I cry almost everyday and wonder where those tears come from and has not dried yet. Now A died of natural death, you are just finish the first hurdle. You have to be there for her and I am sure that you do your the best job at that. She is angry right now and will keep talking about OM, be there for her and listen, listen, listen. She just need an outlet. Give her a lot of affections, call her whenever you have free time. When she is ready she will turn her attention to you (and stop dwelling on OM) and your road to recovery start at that moment. You do not need MC if the communication between the two of you are great and you understand MB concept very well. You could "do it yourself MB'er".<p>Print The Value of a $20 Bill from needing I have to close my office door when I read it, give it to your W.<p>Arm with HNHN and time, you could make anyone fall in love with you !. Be patience, consistant, and presevere & plan A'ng for your whole life, you will be an irresistable spouse.<p>This nightmare is like any others will be fade away with time, for now count your blessing that A dies and you have your chances to rebuild your marriage.<p>You do the right thing by having mini honeymoon. Enjoy it, treasure it, your W is wise by assuring & restoring your trust by asking you to come along. I think you should let her know how much you appreciate the invitation what it means to M.<p>[ December 08, 2001: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

The weekend was great! We drove up to Pleasanton Sunday morning. The B&B was absolutely beautiful, and so was my W. We only had one night, but I wouldn't have given it up for anything in the world. The time we have alone is priceless. It was a perfect setting. Conversation about the A never came up. I asked her in an email on Friday to try our best not to talk about it. <p>The drive back on Monday evening was however, completely opposite. While making a stop to gas up, my W got a voicemail from OM. He stated that he was sorry for all the trouble & pain he caused, and never intended for it to happen this way (yeah, right! Everyone involved knows exactly what he was after). My wife had asked him in the past what she could do to help, and in the voicemail he said to "please stop calling and sending voicemails, I have a conscious now, and just want to rebuilt my M". Needless to say my W was rather shocked by this, but said she was honestly expecting it ever since the call last Thursday with the OM & the OMW.<p>My W is still hurt by the way she was used and misled by the OM. We talked the whole way back (6 hr drive) about many details about the A, and how she felt about herself and her feelings. She even gave details about some of the calls they shared. Her honesty made me feel extremely good, so good that I even opened up to her and shared some skeletons in my closet that I've keep from her for our entire M. She's very hurt and is putting herself through a lot. She can't really come to terms with the OM "washing his hands" of the whole thing, and not accepting blame for misleading her. She has accepted the blame for her part in the A, and realizes it takes two, but that doesn't make it any easier. She told me the only thing she can think of in order to start putting it behind her was for me to leave OM a voicemail defending her, because he never took her seriously and she was no threat to him. <p>Here I was being asked to call the OM to tell him what I thought of him, the A and how my W felt so manipulated. This was something I looked forward to for so long, but had respected my wifes request no to call and make matters worse. Now that I had the green light to call, I didn't know what to say. It took me forever to come up with the proper words in which I could punch him right between the eyes, and yet speak in defense of my W in a way that did her justice. My W was very upset and said it needed to be done that very night because the timimg was right and she couldn't sleep without knowing I had called. It was around 1am when I finally had the words right and sent 3 voicemails to convey my message. Boy, it felt good!<p>I truly felt it was what I had to do in order to help her in a time of need, as well as show my support for her. In the past I hadn't stood up for my W and protected her in times of need, which has always been a problem in our M. I needed to do this, not only for her, but to prove to myself that I could stand up for her when needed. Since my voicemails were left with OM she hasn't heard from him. My wife promised not to call OM or leave voicemails. She hasn't heard from OM since Monday night.<p>I know it will take time for all of this to be behind us. Since my W has many self issues to deal with as well, there have been no commitments from her to fully rebuild our M. She doesn't know where her future will put her, but she's willing to take it a day at time and see what happens, she has asked me not to be smothering or too clingy and not move too fast. To just be there for her.<p>For now I will just continue to do as I have been(recently that is), and to keep any of my old habits out of the picture(it's really not that hard, I just have to think about what I say or do before I do it). We've shared and discussed many things lately that I feel has brought us closer together. It may sound strange after all we've been through, but I love her more than ever. Her honesty about the whole A, or anything for that matter, is becoming more apparent with every conversation, and my trust is being renewed, it will take time however, time I will gladly invest as she is the love of my life and will always hold a place in my heart. My undying love for her, and the visions of a happy and fulfilling life together give me the strength to give her all the time she needs to sort things out and to come to terms with what has been a devistating blow to us both.<p>Echalon

Echalon,
I have to wipe my tears out first, it confirms that MB works. Now A had died, this is the most important step and difficult one, you still have a long way to go. Plan A is for your whole M life, never stop. Now this is the time for "working on your M". Get her to read up MB (HNHN, SAA & 4GoL) and tell her that this is the one that help save your M. Start filling LBQ & ENQ & ActivityQ and work from there. Please keep us posted or even ask your W to post too, her experience could help some WS.

Echalon,<p>How are you doing ?. Is recovery getting better ? Happy holiday [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Redhat,<p>Things are going well. The holidays were wonderful, and enjoyed time with family and W.
I still think about all the craziness and hurt that came my way, as well as the hurt I also put upon my W by being disrespectful and judgmental. When you're a BS it hurts to the very core and you do things that surpirse even yourself, I know I did. I've tried to be on my absolute best, but have slipped a time or two with LBs. I haven't brought up anything to do with the A at all. My W brought something up about it two nights ago and we had an argument, the next day however, we both apoligized to each other. The road to complete reconcilation is going to be a long one. I still have problems trusting her from time to time. I hate the feeling. Anyway I hope you and the others here are doing well. I dropped in to read some posts and see how others are fairing.<p>Echalon.

Echalon,
Glad you still remember us. rev has false hopes, Torizo went to plan B, Peach is doing well in full force of Dv, Orchid is still taking back H too early (sorry Orchid, IMVHO !!!) and me still hanging by the last thread of my love for W. I have a date in mind for plan A and quick plan B then plan C. I do my best, but I want my self back and I want my happiness w/ or w/o WW.<p>Do you guys conseling w/ MB ?. Do you put together 4 rules of recovery ?. Care, protection, time and honesty ?. You should post your recovery here so that some of BS/WS will be able to understand that recovery is possible.<p>Thanks again for dropping by ... don't spend too much on MB, you are in recovery ... min is 15 hr and max is all the time [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .

Redhat,<p>Hi! I know its been awhile since posting. I've been working on recovery with my W. It's not an easy road to hoe, and I still think about the A and all the things surrounding it. I think my W has still left voicemails for the OM, but she tells me she hasnt, and that he refuses to reply to any. It's still difficult to trust her completely, I hate the feeling, I want to move on and leave it all behind, but I know it's burned in my memory, and I'll just have to do my best.<p>I hope all is going well for you and the others, and I send my very best. Your kind (and sometimes brutally honest) words still stick in my head. Reading some of the new posts bring back some ugly memories, but in a strange sort of way, help me become grounded. My feelings go out to all of you.<p>Sincerely, Echalon<p>[ April 22, 2002: Message edited by: Echalon ]</p>

Rick,<p>Very funny, I was thinking and looking back at you, Peachy and others on my prayer list. Yes, recovery is very hard, specially if repentance is not from within her. As long as there is no contact, you will be fine. I assume your W now fillin some of your LB$ too, it should be fine. All of this will be distant memory ... just hang in there. Deposit some LB$ slowly and learn how to be skillfull taker. She will be turning around, you just have to let her.<p>Thanks for dropping by, I know some of the posts will bring back the scars ... it might be better to stay away from this for a while until you have full recovery.<p>-RH-