I was just wondering if my husband should be reading this book also. He had been reading it but then hadn't touched it for two weeks. Well, last night out of the blue and without me making any mention of it, he picked it up and started reading it again. I am just wondering if there are certain parts that he should be reading or if it is good for him to read the whole thing. I guess I feel a little uncomfortable having him know what my tactics are. I am trying very hard to not have any love busters! I think I did somewhat good last night. I also think my husband has been suffering from depression and that the affair is a symptom of the depression. Depression runs in his family and he has lost a grandfather, an aunt and a first cousing to suicide due to their depression. Now, after doing research on depression, I am discovering that my 9 year old is possibly suffering from it too. My son had an outburst last night. He was fine one minute, his brother did something to set him off, he blew up and went bullistic and was going to attack his brother, then he just started bawling. I had him sit down with me on the couch and asked him to talk to me about how he was feeling. He was still crying and he said he just feels sad all the time. I have been seeing that for sometime now but just didn't associate it with depression. Well, he asked me if I was sad all the time when I was a kid. I wasn't. I was a very happy child. So, that totally threw me and made me feel so very sad that he has been going through this and that I wasn't fully aware of it. He wanted to know if he was always going to feel this way or if he would get better. That is when I told him that I think we need to talk to a doctor and see what they can do to help us. So, we are going to the doctor at 2pm tomorrow. I am very anxious about this. It made him feel much better to think that there is something they can do to make him feel better. My hope is that if my husband can see my son getting treatment that he will see that he could benefit from it also. I tell you what though, there is nothing in the world that will make me feel better than to see my son feeling better! I am going to concentrate on him for now and hopefully things will fall into place with my husband. We shall see. I did talk to my husband about my feelings about our son. He agreed with me that he could be suffering from depression. I told him what our son told me. Our son also mentioned that he just doesn't enjoy doing the things he used to. Like his video games and other things. The thing is, my husband was telling me that was how he was feeling about things. He said he just has this fog in his head and that he can't think clearly. He said he doesn't enjoy doing the things he used to. That is very true. He has a collection of Hot Wheels. He used to love to go out and look for them. But in the last couple months he has been losing interest in them. He even had two websites dedicated to them. He let those go. He also said he just feels very indifferent to everything. He has also started to drink on a daily basis. He doesn't drink until he gets drunk but I know from fact that that is how becoming an alcoholic starts out. It is what his own father did. So, first of all, I am going to concentrate on helping my son get better. I will keep working on my relationship with my husband. I will also keep researching depression and finding out how to deal with it. The alcohol thing too. I will also be awaiting any advice any of you have about my husband reading the book. I was glad he picked it up. That is the first sign in a couple of weeks that showed me he is interested in working on things. I still don't know where we are headed but I can't give up. I think he needs my help. I realize I can't fix his problems by myself but he needs help realizing the fact that he needs to get help. That is really what I want. I just want him to seek out some help. He is a stubborn man though. So, I don't know how much success I will have on getting him to go for help. Right now, I am not pushing it. We shall see!<P>~Woozy

woozy,<P>No doubt about it... medical attention for depression is so very important!!!! Now for your H it would be even <B>more</B> important!!!!<P>As far as him reading the book... If heis in recovery... there is nothin wrong at all with him reading it... It only shows how important it is to stay with you!<P>Boy... you are a loving wife... <P>Jim<P>Perhaps better books for a betrayer might be <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0393307077" TARGET=_blank><B>Private Lies :</B> Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy</A> by Frank Pittman and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley.<P>Others might make even better recommendations.<P>Jim

My H and I have lived by "After the Affair" by Janis Abrams Spring, which is very respectful to both partners' feelings yet gets across important messages about healing. REALLY good-- we are 1+ year now! I honestly have never read "Surviving an Affair". <P>Best of luck to your whole family!!

This is so hard. I really believe he is still seeing her. I feel sick to my stomach right now. I went to buy a book on male depression of amazon.com. Well, my credit card is expired so I went to get his out of his billfold. Well, he had almost $40.00 in there. I have no idea where he got $40.00. We don't have that kind of money. Well, that made me suspicious. So, I went out to his car to snoop. Well, he had cleaned it out. I did find a phone number in the glove compartment. I took it and looked it up on the reverse look up. It is the ow's sisters phone number. I kept the card. My husband will most likely think he lost it. Well, he had a toothbrush in the glove compartment too. He had a clean pair of jeans, shirt, socks and underwear in the back seat. I then went to the garage to see if he was hiding anything in there. He had gum hidden out there. When I came in the house, I checked his pocket. He had gum in there too. So, I guess I won't make a huge deal out of that. The other stuff has me very angry. I have been trying to be supportive. I have been walking on eggshells to keep him happy. I think I mentioned in another post that he was missing 20 hours on his last paycheck. I confronted him, which I probably shouldn't have. He said he forgot to punch in one day. He works 12 hour days. I told him I didn't believe you forget to punch in and then forget to punch out. I also said if that sort of thing happens you would take care of it right away. He quit trying to deny it but he didn't confess either. So, I know those 20 hours that are missing on the check are 20 hours he was with her. That makes me sick. The thing is, we cannot do this separation because he works with her and he can't quit his job. He was reading the book again tonight. I just don't understand him. He admitted to me that he can't stop thinking about her. He knows that is wrong. He says that he knows if he is with her again he will be throwing his marriage away. I am really starting to think that is what he wants. Even though he is staying. The ow is trying to buy a house and she can't do that until her husband signs the divorce papers. My husband told me she had moved into an apartment. Well, then later on he told me she moved in with her sister. I questioned him about the apartment. That was when he told me about her husband not signing the divorce papers. He says he knows that if he went to live with this woman that he wouldn't be happy with her. Then he said, read your book. He tells me again and again he is not leaving me. I offered again for the fourth time to leave. I hate it because I am basically doing all the work here. I am getting tired of him not being completely honest with me. I told him that he keeps hurting me and I honestly don't understand why. He said I don't deserve it. BUT he keeps doing it. I want to give up. I don't think I can take this anymore! When is he going to wake the HE!! up and get over himself??? I think I am a fool! I am taking my son to the doctor tomorrow to see if they think he is suffering from depression. I asked but did not push my husband to come with us. He declined to come. I am pretty upset about that too. I do feel like I need to just give up and get on with my life. I can't take all these ups and downs. <P>Woozy

woozy,<P>I'm praying for you and your son and H today... <P>I've known that feeling before... and I know it takes quiet a while for it to subside.<P>Let him keep reading the book...<P>Any chance of getting him on the forum?<P>There really are no secrets here...<BR>Plan A... Plan B... recovery... whatever... there is only honesty and love in <B>all</B> of them!<P>Do take care of yourself too!<P>Jim

Jim,<P>Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers for us today! I will post an update about my son when we get back from the doctor. My son is happy today because he knows that we are going to get him some help. I wish my husband could realize that there is help for him. He knows it but he won't take it. He thinks all he needs is a big financial come back to make him feel better. I think it is so much more than that. <P>Anyway, when I went to bed last night, my husband told me about the money he had. He told me he withdrew some cash to have on hand for Y2K. You know, in case anything happens. I am still upset he took it out. We still have bills to pay. Anyway, at least he told me about it. <P>Then, he called me this morning. I asked what he wanted because he very rarely calls. He told me they were doing maintenance at work and it was kind of slow so he just wanted to call and say hi. He then told me he had a dream about the ow last night. He said he dreamt that he brought her home to our house. Then I came home and he said it got ugly. I asked him if she was at work today. He said she wasn't. He then told me that he knows he has to get out of there (meaning his work place) and that we need to move in order for us to get through this. He said he wanted to go ahead with our plans of working our butts off and fixing up our house and putting it up for sale. He said that when we move we can start all over. I told him last night that we need to really focus on our relationship. We need to find the reasons why this happened and we need to learn how to take better care of each other. I hate it though. I still don't trust him. I want to so badly. I told him last night that I love him so much and that I need him. I told him that I needed him to protect me. He said, "From what?" I said, "From you!" He laughed. I told him that I had too much invested in this relationship to just give it up. I wanted to say over some bimbo, but I resisted. I also told him that this woman has never been in a healthy relationship. I said that if we were to have divorced for another reason from this that she is the type of woman I would not want him to get hooked up with. LB I know. But, I also told him I felt like I needed to start defending myself because it hasn't felt like he has been. He said he has but I don't feel it. I think we did make some break throughs last night. Also, about the phone number. I know he would never call her from home. He knows better than that. We don't have a cell phone or a pager or anything like that either. He wouldn't use his calling card either because he knows that would show up on the phone bill. The only way that he would call her that I can think of is if he called her collect or from a pay phone and had to insert actual coins. <P>Well, I will let you know later on today how the doctor appt. went. <P>By the way, I am not ready for my husband to get on here. Some of the stuff I write is too personal on my part and I don't want him to see it. Like I said, he did read more of the book last night and it does seem to have him thinking. I have been praying everyday for a miracle! <P>Sincerely,<P>Woozy