I'm only 4 days into Plan A and already have some problems with it. When my H is in a good mood, which he is definitely in now that he is getting his own way in everything, he enjoys making snide remarks about anything he thinks might be "funny". These are putdowns directed to me and he knows how I feel about them. Usually, my response is to let him have it with both barrels. Telling him how I feel or to stop is not effective. I'm wondering how to handle it now since I am limited by LB constraints. Any input would be most welcome.

I have had the same problems during the last 2 mo. since I started plan A. He says mean things, then grins and says "just kidding". I guess thats passive-aggressiveness on his part. After having my feelings hurt so many times and not being able to retaliate as I would love to, what I started doing is leaving the room. If he tells me something about OW or anything hurtful, he says that he is "just being totally honest like you want". There is a HUGE difference between honesty and going out of your way to hurt someone. I now usually say that that's not the type of honesty I want, and turn and leave the room. Sometimes I might go for a drive or a walk to clear my head. It really prevents me from LB'ing. <p> Over time, I have been able to respond to his hurtful remarks in a calm and deliberate manner that is not an LB, or so I hope. Another great thing is if you have a close friend who is supportive of your trying to make things work and who will not tire of hearing you "whine", call her! Sometimes that is all I need to let go of what just happened, and can return home calmer and not feeling like I need to vent my feelining of hurt to him. <p>Its not easy and it takes time and practice to be able to respond this way. I failed alot in the beginning, especially because when you are so hurt,its almost impossible to let things be. So don't feel bad if for awhile you blow up . It will get better. I read in one of the many infidelity books that I have that when you need to stop a certain reaction, just picture a great big STOP sign in your mind. I do this often, and tho it seems a bit silly it does help. I hope these suggestions will help you. Hang in there, time will help you.

inthedark,
There are lots of misconception about LB. It is not a blank check that you gave WS !!!. IMVHO, you sould learn his game and try to learn self deprecating joke to counter his. As long as you did not anger, demanding ... etc, you could counter balance. You do not need to give him both barrel, it is an LB, you sing his song and learn dance with his beat. Try to experiment with it and see which one work as turn off to his "funny joke", probably use one of his line against him. It is not an LB, if he get angry, you just let him know that you just try to make him happy and learn from his behavior. There is a different between not LB and being verbally abused ... you are in the gray line of verbal abuse !!!. NOT EVEN IN PLAN A IT SHOULD BE TOLERATED. Learn how to be calm and no LB but get back to him with his own line ...

Hi, <p>Plan A is not a doormat plan. It is to allow the WS to have the opportunity to show they want to come back and the path of support that is out there to help them. It also allows the BS to learn how to better themselves. <p>When a WS is out there making snide remarks, you can still plan A and hold your ground. I plan A'd my H for 4 months Dec 00 - March 01. Then I went to plan B. During Dec - March, the WS berated me big time. In fact he was doing that before. <p>When he would do it to my face, I put it back in his. <p>example
WS: You 'always' put me down. You 'always' say I don't make enough money. You 'always' don't want sex. You 'always'.....<p>BS: Yes, you do put me down. Yes, we do spend more than we make. Yes, there are times I don't want sex. But not 'always'. If it makes you feel better to lie to yourself, then go ahead. I will just have to remember that you want to believe a lie.<p>The above example actually happened. When I heard those words 'always', 'never', etc. I knew I was in for an LB from the WS. Instead of trying to fend off each blow, I went with the punches. Acknowledged what I could, turned it back when I could and stepped back to let the crap fly by. It caused me less pain and I got a little LB exercise before the WS could figure it out. Little slow in the fog!!!! LOL! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.

I'm wondering how to handle it now since I am limited by LB constraints.
When he says something as above, you reply, “Wow. I didn’t know I was doing that. I’ll watch myself better to make sure I don’t do that again. Thanks for letting me know.” or something along this line.<p>This does two things.
1 - It shows him you are accepting his criticism and learning from it (criticism is not always bad)
2 - It will definitely put him off balance. He will be expecting you to get ticked off. Also it will get you in a better frame of mind and not so mad at him.<p>Plan A is not easy but it will have a positive effect on your relationship (even if you don’t see the results immediately)

Thank you all for your posts. I realized after writing that my H's tactic was probably designed to make me angry---a "change-back" manuever. He apologized and said he was feeling relaxed and happy, but knew he had hurt me. What he said was related to my weight. Now, I do weigh more than I have in the past two years, but I am still in the "normal" range for my height. He has watched me struggle to diet, while bringing home ice cream and other "delicacies" that end up sabotaging my efforts. I just left the room when he started in and he realized later that I was offended. Tonight I actually got an apology. He said he liked the efforts that I was making (AKA Plan A [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ) and didn't want to mess it up.<p>firefly 10---Thanks for the stopsign idea. It's worth a shot since I really have to work hard not to LB.<p>redhat---I'm not sure I understand what you mean. Could you give me an example?<p>Orchid---Thanks for your input. That is not exactly what my H does. It's more a potshot at something wrong with me rather than I "always" do something.
...Acknowledged what I could, turned it back when I could and stepped back to let the crap fly by...
I like your choice of words!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Chris: Thanks for your input. I will try to do that the next time

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by inthedark:
<strong> ....These are putdowns directed to me and he knows how I feel about them. ... Telling him how I feel or to stop is not effective. I'm wondering how to handle it now since I am limited by LB constraints.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I just try to make sure that "deliberate hurting" is not getting out of hand and become verbal abuse. Looking at your recent post appearently H is just acting in the fog. You get a great advice from Orchid and Chris.<p>EOM