I have been working Plan A for less than a week and need some clarification. I was very upset last night about several things. I was afraid I would LB so told my H I was tired and was going to bed. He had asked me if I was angry and I told him "No".<p>Today, I wrote him what I thought was a very carefully constructed letter telling him I was sorry I was not honest when he asked me and was afraid I would "lose it". I expressed how I felt about certain things that he was doing, but I do not feel I was accusatory at all.<p>Tonight he came home and said that he knew that I was angry last night and he didn't want to fight. I told him I had just finished writing to him and he read the letter. He asked some clarifying questions and I answered them as carefully as I could.<p>He got angry and defensive about one of the things that I was upset about. Does the fact that he got angry mean that I LBed? If so, how can I prevent that in the future and still be honest? <p>Thanks for your input.

inthedark,
He got angry and defensive about one of the things that I was upset about. Does the fact that he got angry mean that I LBed? If so, how can I prevent that in the future and still be honest?
In this case, yes, is it an LB. You have to see why he is defensive about it, H might have a legit reason and (no disrespect) you probably nick picking. H probably take it as demands.<p>First you are not honest then you explained yourself to H. In the future, you could "talk" to H and w/ no LB, open up and let him know. You do not need to talk right away and tell H that you are angry and will talk about it tommorow.

Thank you Redhat.<p>I am trying very hard to stop LBing.<p>It's really hard, because, for one thing, H does not accept POJA. So, from what I gather, I am supposed to do a one-sided POJA. It really gets to me when he doesn't care about my feelings or try to understand my point of view.<p>I will try to work on letting my H know how I feel w/o LBs, understand that at least I will be doing my part, and also demonstrate how POJA works. I have my doubts that it will make any difference to him, other than HE'LL be happier. I am considering putting a time limit to this.<p>Is the idea to deposit LU's so that he will eventually feel more loving, then act more loving?<p>[ December 09, 2001: Message edited by: inthedark ]</p>

inthedark,
POJA is for two people not one sided. The sequence is plan A/B, A dies and out of the fog, POJA to shape the road to recovery. Just work on your plan A.<p>Is the idea to deposit LU's so that he will eventually feel more loving, then act more loving?

Yes, staying in love is intentional.

Thank you. But, I'm confused. I know there are situations in which one does one-sided POJA. What is the situation that defines its use?
Do I tellH how I feel about what he is doing that makes me unhappy---W/O LBs of course.
I plan to continue Plan A and work HARD at not using LBs.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by inthedark:
<strong>Thank you. But, I'm confused. I know there are situations in which one does one-sided POJA. What is the situation that defines its use?
Do I tellH how I feel about what he is doing that makes me unhappy---W/O LBs of course.
I plan to continue Plan A and work HARD at not using LBs.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>POJA is for both of you try to protect each other. One side POJA is actually plan A. IMVHO, you are in plan A and you have talked to him about what you are willing to do to get it back. You are now bound to keep your word and work on it. It is very effective way to "plan" plan A if the communication line is wide open like yours.<p>Yes, tell him not only what H actions that hurt you but also what actions that make you happy [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . Be honest but no demand of him to change or expectation of him to change (LB).<p>Keep plan A'ng, it look H is reponding to you, be patience.<p>[ December 10, 2001: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Whoa....Wait a minute----<p>I'm earning HIS trust back????<p>He's the one who had/is having the A!!! Am I missing something here---No disrespect, but now I'm REALLY confused!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by inthedark:
<strong>Whoa....Wait a minute----<p>I'm earning HIS trust back????<p>He's the one who had/is having the A!!! Am I missing something here---No disrespect, but now I'm REALLY confused!</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I am editing my post, I was opening multiple windows w/ gardenia in recovery. I am really sorry, I am the one who is disrespectful. I am BS my self.

That's OK Redhat. We all make mistakes. Thanks for your input. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

That's OK Redhat. We all make mistakes. Thanks for your input. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]