I'm not sure I am on the right bulletin, but here is my story. About two months ago, my husband filed for a divorce. He had been "confused" about the marriage and family for almost three years. We were on a definite roller coaster. The marriage was unstable mainly due to my lovebusters and his immaturity. <p>We were living in his hometown, the last two years and I had few friends and no family. I moved back to Dallas where my family and friends were which was 330 miles from my husband. <p>We've been separated almost 6 weeks. We've talked on the phone, but he has not mentioned a reconciliation, just that theres too much hurt and pain. I am sure there is someone else in his life, but he won't admit to it, so I've given up asking and will trust in the Lord to reveal it to me in His time.<p>After discovering a website called restorem.org, I became more hopeful about my marriage, something I never thought would happen after all I had been through. Now I am trying to find a job back in my husband's hometown so that I can be closer to work on a reconciliation.<p>Thanksgiving was good. I drove the girls down to visit him, as his schedule did not permit him to come up to see them. I had planned on staying at a friends house, but he wanted me to stay at our house. I spent four days there because I had interviews scheduled after Thanksgiving. I didn't fuss or argue with him once! I was so proud. I have a sense of peace over me now, God is guiding my life.<p>I need help and encouragement though-He called me the other day, to discuss the settlement of the house. Now that I've released my attorney, I have trusted God to do His will in my life, I don't desire to battle with my husband over child support or property distributions.<p>I am praying daily and need a support group. I can't talk to friends and family, because I don't want them to know about my plans to move-they will think I am CRAZY! <p>Your thoughts, comments, and prayers are greatly appreciated!!

Dear SEBREA,<p>First and most .. welcome to MB. You have come to the right site to learn to save your M. You could post more in GQ II about your situation but here is fine too. Make sure you check up the link for MB concept.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>We've been separated almost 6 weeks. We've talked on the phone, but he has not mentioned a reconciliation, just that theres too much hurt and pain. I am sure there is someone else in his life, but he won't admit to it, so I've given up asking and will trust in the Lord to reveal it to me in His time.</strong><hr></blockquote>
No LB, plan A'ing him will help. If there is A it will show up sooner or later. Go through the list of 50 sign below.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Thanksgiving was good. I drove the girls down to visit him, as his schedule did not permit him to come up to see them. I had planned on staying at a friends house, but he wanted me to stay at our house. I spent four days there because I had interviews scheduled after Thanksgiving. I didn't fuss or argue with him once! I was so proud. I have a sense of peace over me now, God is guiding my life.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Good work [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] no LB [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I need help and encouragement though-He called me the other day, to discuss the settlement of the house. Now that I've released my attorney, I have trusted God to do His will in my life, I don't desire to battle with my husband over child support or property distributions.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Think of delay tactics ... anything to delay the D while you are plan A'ng him. Use it as a tactic to visit H again but short of agreeing on anything. Also you have to protect yourself & your child financially when the time come, not to engage the battle NOW is correct.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I am praying daily and need a support group. I can't talk to friends and family, because I don't want them to know about my plans to move-they will think I am CRAZY! <hr></blockquote></strong>
I add you to my daily prayer lists please do the same for the rest of us. All OM/OW/WS thinks we are nuts but they will se it how much love & commitment you show to your M. Hope it will drive them away (OP) and make WS back.<p>Question. Could you move back to the house ?. Use your Venusian or Orchid could give you advice here. Or use fogese talk, "I live here too or I own this house too", that's what my WW use to comeback 3 days after D-day. Use your job search excuse or anything. Meanwhile also try to find out if there is A. Not to confront H but to estimate the damage done. Keep it to yourself if you find out and to check the progress of your plan A by it. Bring it up to day light only if he is unwilling to stop it.<p>[ November 30, 2001: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Hi Sebrea,<p>An unusual name.....sounds nice... Welcome to MB. Nope, Redhat is not my spokesperson but if keeps giving my name out, I'm going to start charging him.... LOL [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Redhat is a man with a good heart and a great sense of values, he has a lot of good advice and thoughts. Also the threads at the end of his sign off line are valuable tools to learn about.
(Ok Redhat, are we even now? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>Now to your situation, I think (of course only my opinion) that you should check out the book his needs/her needs. You may have gotten past the A thing but fulllfilling your spouses' needs will never end. Neither will his filling your needs ever end. <p>Take your time, you have each other and the job thing will come. There is phone counseling services here offered by Steve Harley and Jennifer C. They are both very good. My H & I chatted with Steve (actually H did more, I just listened for a few minutes - he he he) and my H said he did not like Steve. Hmmph..... anyway, to make a long story a little shorter, my H left 12/31/01, A on since Aug 00 and had 1 nighters since Sept 99. Yep lots of bad baggage and there's more (some funny, some sad, the rest plain stupid!). Now H is home and we working towards recovery. I am a skeptic by nature so I don't quite say we are there yet. <p>As you may have noticed, reassurance is a great need of mine. So hopefully we will get there. <p>As far as your house, family and friends, I did preferce my thoughts with my family and friends and ask that they respect my decisions and in turn I would listen to what they had to say. So even my parents have been supportative of me. It is hard because trust is not back to normal ....yet. I think that is where you are also. <p>Keep reading and take care.
L.

Thank you for your responses. Actually, my husband and I took the His Needs/Her needs course and was named "most improved" couple. I have gone to a website called restorem.org, and have discovered so many spiritual principles to keep my spirits lifted. I would refer any of you to that site as well, it gives hope to those in seemingly hopeless marriages. h<p>When I got home today, I had another call from a company in Beaumont,hopefully I will land something soon. <p>I'm not really interested in discovering the affair on my own, God has shown me signs and will reveal to me what I need to know in His time.<p>I'll pray for you all as you all pray for me.

You go girl! I am praying for you and the job search now. Show H what you're made of--faith and love...I wish I had your strength. When I get stronger, i will resume my career I put on hold, you know, to do like my H and I decided together, stay home and be a mom...Will probably only go for PRN or part time though. God bless you and your brave decision. You are not giving in. I almost did too. Almost had H served w/D papers on 9/12. Ironically signed them on 9/11 and after that day ended, felt God placing upon my heart that enough families had lost loved ones and broken that day, still had chance to look to God and wise counsel to do what I can to help mine. I'm in the thick of the muck and mire now too. Thanks for your encouragement. You must somehow find a way to be strong. Waaay strong. I am working back to getting there also. Seeing a Christian doc is one step for med intervention so you can see things a little more clearly and not let your emotions get the best of you. Trust me, I wish I had done that earlier before I had what I believe to be was a breakdown. Also, get a great Christian counselor. Do A and work on you and give the rest, the stuff you truly CANNOT fix at all over to Him. He's there and has carried me through my son being born and in intensive care for a month, my dad's death the next year, and now my H's yearlong A. Feel that I'm alive b/c of God, praying family and friends, and the daily dose of unconditional love given by my little boy. Get the poison out of your soul daily by getting down on your knees w/God. That works for me along w/going to the gym, although I've had extremely hard couple of weeks and not felt like going after I returned here last Sunday. Redhat, Orchid, and some others here have given me good advice and are true blue. Listen to them. Orchid has found success and is sooo strong and resiliant. Redhat can give you mastery in A and a guy's point of view. I can give whatever I've done wrong or right and will relay that when I actually SEE some improvement or major kind of LB that I do. God bless you, you will be prayed for.

not peachy in ga, thanks for your respnse. yea, the only thing carrying me through is my faith in God. I pray and meditate everyday! In the book I told you about, it said find two strong women who will stand with you in your fight for your marriage. I have prayed for someone close, but I think I've found those two women in you and orchid. <p>i'm going to spend today with the kids, going to the movies and lunch, i just try to keep myself busy and not try to think about what my husband is doing out there, or who he is doing it with-i'll literraly drive myself crazy if i do!<p>stay strong and pray, and, if you haven't already, go to restorem.org and tell me what you think.
God Bless!

Hello Sebrea. Hope you have a good afternoon w/kids. I took my son to movies last night and to dinner. We had a great time. Saw Harry Potter. Good movie. I thank you for your kindness and friendship and hope that I can be of help, though I do not consider myself very strong right now. Just spiritually strong. I am right here w/you in the muck and it surely stinks. I will do my best to give you someone to lean on and someone to pray with. Also, whatever works I'll relay. Know that there isn't much we can do that will affect or change H, just what you can do to contribute to your M. Rest is God's domain and it is most terribly difficult to do. Good idea getting out today. I am praying for you. Keep your armor on. Son's getting a slight head cold and asleep in my lap as I type. He's really heavy.

My daughter spent the night at my aunts, so I am waiting on her to get back. It turned out that the guy who called about the job was looking for someone with a different background than mine. I am starting to feel guilty for leaving. <p>I have been praying and hoping that my marriage would get better for years, and for the last three years I've made mistakess but I have always put the best interest of my family and marriage above my own, I have changed jobs 4 times in the last two years so that my husband and I would not be separated. I made so many sacrifices, and swallowed so many fears when I moved to his hometown because I knew that his friends nor his family liked me, but I went anyway. And from the time we moved it was a downhill struggle for me. I was alone, hurt, and rejected, I even began to talk to people at my job about my situation, that's how desperate I was for someone to talk to.<p>I begged and pleaded with my husband not to go through with the divorce, I even told him I would rather us separate before we decided on a divorce-he wouldn't have any of it-he put the house up for sale and served me himself with the papers. The only reasone I relay all this background information is because I am trying to analyze my actions and decision to move back home where I felt support and comfort of friends.<p>Since I've been back, my self-esteem and overall mentality has improved greatly! I felt worthless before I moved back, like I was unattractive and that no one would ever love me, now I feel assured that I am lovable and a good person.<p>I am scared of the distance between us, he hasn't called in a week, but when I do talk to him, I assure him that I love him and that I am there for him, I just hope I can get a job soon, so that he can see my true sacrificial love for him.

husband called and left two messages today. when he called again, i asked who it was, and he said "it's your husband" he sounded somewhat offended and began to question me about my whereabouts-sounds like he misses me.<p>I GOT A JOB OFFER!! the only thing is that it is a 2 hour round trip a day! it is a blessing from God though. I have two other possible job opportunities that are in my husband's hometown, i'll see how those work out.<p>thank you all for your prayers!

Good! Sounds maybe like H is missing you, but in A do as I am sooo struggling with and remember, H is acting as if his brain is mush now and not to take seriously anything he says. I struggle with the reading too much into part, which every day I have to give back to God over again. Keep up the job search...Praying that one in his hometown comes up soon. God bless you.

Please especially pray for wisdom now as you do not have legal representation. I would advise going to see a paralegal for information or advice. You do not have to be hiring he or she, but could get good advice and info on what is in your best interest. In LMBT, by Dobson, says many women are taken advantage of in situation of D by agreeing to whatever WS wants and it's not good. Delaying things is good. So you two were the improved couple? Tell him that you want a refresher course before he has to go through the horrible hassle of a D. Maybe H just needs to be reminded. What does the prayer of hedge of thorns actually refer to and I am not sure in Bible where that is mentioned. I am quite spiritually pretty up much on Bible, since I had 12 years of classes in school (private). I prayed that prayer today and simply envisioned the hedge of thorns surrounding my WH and another separate hedge around the OW. I couldn't find any more info on that in website. I do believe however, you should find out if there is an A. Remember this, there is an old yet wise quote that says "know thine enemy as thine self". If there is, OW probably knows alot about you and H's chief complaints, which she will probably go out of her way to not do. This experience has made me, the old naive me, wise up a bit. You are doing a great A and need to know what's up. I had a counselor tell me that few men leave for the "thought of greener pasture"--they've been gone and are grazing there. On the other hand, i was told that why so many women file first is that we can actually grab onto the concept of greener pasture and not go a grazing all the time. I know if I am forced to re file again, it would not be b/c of other man. also have thought if I have to move back home, I could simply file a legal separation just so son and I could be protected financially, yet not a divorce. I do not want to be the one to file now. As my counselor said, if he wants out so bad, he'd have already done it. Not to say that maybe your H just jumped the gun a bit. That's what I had done when I filed. Remember, I too stepped back and stopped the process. You just need to protect yourself and child. I am just further out than you--since mid August. His A was discovered 1/7/01 --want to rip calendar off wall all except for son and what he has accomplished this year.

GA, you need to oder the restore ministries materials for woment to better understand the "hedge of thorns" concept. thank you for your praise and thoughts.<p>Husband called again last night, i let him talk to our daughter, and then we talked. he came flat out and asked me if "I had been on a date or gone out to eat with someone" i told him "no" that tha would be adultery and that I have always been faithful to him, if i wasn't why would i be moving back. he was opening up a little, it seems like he is going insane to not be able to know what I am doing or have reigns on my whereabouts and contacts. He wants me to get a cell so he can keep up with me.<p>did i tell you he referred to himself as my husband last night? it made me feel wanted by him. I am still playing it cool though, i let him know i love him and that he is my heart but i'm not calling or e-mailing unless necessary to convey family or business matters-I'm letting him lead.<p>I have another interview set up for Saturday, with a firm in his hometown, that would work out great if i can get it, but the other one is still there, that makes me feel better.<p>let me know how counseling session went...and if husband called.