Hello. Hope you are doing well, at least better than I am. H called a while ago and we talked for a while. Went well and he thanked me for emails. Said he would call mon. or tues. night to get together either wed or thurs. night. H asked me my plans, if I had decided to move home or stay here and get a job. I said that I wanted to give us a little more time. H said that's ok if you haven't decided yet. H said we'll talk about that when we get together this week. I told him I wasn't going to give up yet and that I believed in him. H said, yea but look where we are and what's gone on b/w us these last five months. H then said that he just wasn't going to move back in and start things again. I told him that I was going to see counselor tomorrow--he indirectly thought I was asking him to go (I wasn't) and said no can't tomorrow. I then probably did a major LB by asking him how he felt about us and working together on things and H got mad and said "don't make me regret calling you and wanting to get together w/you." So I backed off immediately. <p>Well, either H wants to try a little but maybe not at all. I am so scared of seeing him this week. Feel like all my hopes are crushed. Feel like it maybe over to him. I am crying and cannot stop right now. What do I do? In my heart, I know if he doesn't at all want to work on anything that I want to go home, back to my family, back to my friends. I can't stand this too much longer alone. H won't say if he wants to try or not and gets mad if I even approach the subject. <p>I am falling. I fear that I will either find out if he wants to work on it or not once and for all. Please, find it in your heart to pray like mad for us, for this family. H said that no matter what, son would always love him, like whatever H does is going to be ok.<p>I'm in agony. Advice? This week could be a turn around or possibly the end. I need prayer, advice and help. God bless you.

Hi Peach,<p>{{hugs}}....you need it now. Hon, it sounds like you are going through a type of anxiety attack. Your sense of anticipation coupled with the fact that he is asking you to wait to find out is hurting you. <p>Not much you can do except let your body help you get this stress out. These anxiety attacks is your body's way of relieving stress. For me it was severe crying so much so that I could not stand. Almost fainted. After that I would sleep for about 2 hours. This was because I was not resting after a while my body would not take it anymore. Stress is hard on the body. <p>Take a warm bath, hug your little one and get some rest. Remember that you can't make him do anything. Point of control is you and your child. You can only show him what he is missing. A reminder that he has a family that he made with you. That means you have to take care of yourself so that he sees a desireable you. Plan A stuff. <p>His actions may show some positive steps but it may be just a little. Learn to recognize it but don't try to read between the lines and don't over analyze him. <p>This is going to be a hard time right now but you will survive it. Then you wil be albe to look back and know you made it and became a better you. It may take a while for your H to realize this but he will. What he does at that time will be up to him. Hopefuly by then you will be in a stronger frame of mind and spirit. <p>Take care,
L.

Thanks Orchid. You are indeed right. I do have those attacks. I took a xanax. Son is alseep and I was just crying and shaking, feeling like the whole roof was going to fall in on me. When H has ever made a small step before he would sometimes say, don't make me regret doing this. I do not know what is going on. It is almost like he's saying that we can't just suddenly get back together after being apart since August. But he's not giving me any indications either. I just am afraid that he'll try and ask me what I want to do and tonight I told him I wanted to give us a little more time. H said he wasn't ready to move back in now but last week said that if he could not do it 100%, he'd not do it at all. He still implies and did say he would go see the counselor. I am trying the best A I can, but it doesn't seem to be doing any good. W hen I wrote him the B letter a few weeks ago, I told him that I was going home and move back. Clearly stated in that letter that I was not going to see him as long as he saw OW and that has been broken, since I came back and the B fell apart. Got the info from a third party that Ow was seeing no one. OW does not know I know the third party at all. But, do you believe a liar? H did get my emails finally today and thanked me for them and in it I said I wanted him to call me to talk. He did do that. What do I do if he starts pressuring me or questioning me about getting a job here or moving home? Well, the here part certainly depends on the state of things. If no effort, then no job. Would go home where at least I have some kind of support system and get a job back home. H has had his phone service scheduled to be shut off at apt. and I do not know what is going on. I am trying my best not to expect anything but I know that I will be scarred to death and so nervous when I see him. I asked him if he wanted me to get a baby sitter, but he said to wait on that. How did you keep it together Orchid during it all? I can email my ph # to you and you could call me and I'll call back. I just need a really wise and saavy friend now to give me advice, as I am a black/white kind of person mulling around in this horrible greyish area now. Hope you are having a good night. I have read alot of your posts and am astonished at how you are able to keep life in check during and through it all. I have never been one to play head games or be able to keep secrets or anything like that, so I guess I'm just not able to read anything correctly, just know that H keeps initiating contact b/w us the last week or so and I am crawling the walls. I do know what I can and can't control. That's what is eating me alive. I keep on a daily basis giving this over to God. God bless you.

Hi Peach,<p>Sorry I responded so late, been busy working and feeling a bit queesy. Your H sounds like he is having withdrawals of sorts and often at these times, they can say some pretty dumb and cruel things. <p>This is where I want you to at least be aware so that when he 'babbles' like that & it causes pain, you will view it as babble. You know this because what he is saying doesn't make sense. I don't mean that everything doesn't make sense. You need to separate the stuff that does make sense, have intelligent conversations on those points (even acknowledge the positive with sincere commendation if possible). When he babbles stuff that hurts or you just don't get it, then find a way to 'gently' let him know you just don't get what he is saying or say nothing. Then don't analyze it. That creates more pain and often does little. <p>Yes you can call me tomorrow. I am on the west coast (California). Here is my e-mail address, I won't be able to check it until tomorrow evening (PST). lhmkem@yahoo.com<p>If you need someone to talk in the interim, post on GQII. Lots of support there. <p>Take Care,
L.

Thanks so much Orchid! I will email you after I log off here. I am EST but no worries, I am usually up. Can't sleep too hot. Anyhow, I emailed a very loving note to H and H responded today. I wrote about wanting to restore our marriage and about how I got so upset about neighbor wanting to help me w/Christmas tree. Here's how his response went:<p>Thank you for your thoughts. Go and buy a tree and have it delivered and set up like I do every year. I don't ever want you to get help from neighbors. Get a real tall tree for the greatroom. I want son to have an exciting Christmas. Our separation shouldn't keep you from celebrating the real meaning of Christmas. ( H bolded the Christ part). In regard to other family members this year, I want to give cash, not presents. Everyone can use the cash and it is easy to have delivered. Go and decorate the house and make it look pretty. Have a good day.<p>That is the email I got. What would you think? No agreeing on working on anything, just about decorating. Need input. What do you think state of mind is? I again emailed him a very loving note to address meeting his EN's (i didn't spell them out, but kind of did) and how my desire for reconciliation is alive and well. Told him my counseling session went well today. I also have a session friday to help me w/whatever happens w/our meeting this week. I am truly scared. Counselor thinks that it will probably not be slamming me w/no hope, just that he will push off all changing or responsibility back on me and maybe saying he will try a little. I am not as optimistic as she is. Worried I'll get the big slammy. Counselor said to be as loving in any way as possible and as much as possible before our meeting and to check the "water temperature" before I go in when H and I meet this week. H hasn't said if he wants to go out or stay in. I don't know if this is a date or a whatever. <p>God bless you and have a nice day. Thanks to all of you praying fervently for my H my son and me. Believe this week is a turning point one way or another.

i'm glad your counseling session went well. based on my recent experiences, i have found my husband to be more responsive, positively, when i allow him to initiate contact. it seems to me that you are still hanging on-LET GO AND LET GOD! i mean that in a good way. don't misinterpret what i'm saying as be a hard nose with him, but from now on, allow him to send the e-mails and phone calls. only contact him if it has something to do with your son.<p>also, when he calls or e-mails respond with a gentle answer, see (prov 15:1), show him your love, don't say it with words (I Peter 3:1). These are some biblical principles that i have applied to my current state and it gives me sanity, because i am not calling him or e-mailing him try to see what his response is and how to interpret it as if he still wants to be with me or if he has found someone else.<p>i promise, once you stop inititiating contact and allow him to initiate contact you will see a difference in his demeanor-let him be the LEADER!

Hi Peach,<p>How are you doing? Haven't heard from you. Is that a good sign? Hope the dinner went well. <p>Take Care,
L.

Orchid,<p>Getting ready to call you. I am not sure if there are even words appropriate for the situation tonight. Yes, H I think does want to work on things but I found out a bomb. OW flew in to trip w/son 2 days before they left. I did not amazingly LB, but handled myself perfectly like a lady. I guess that is what you call the peace that passes understanding. Could not have done it without God. Truly amazed H. We ended up talking really well and getting romantic. What is so wacky and nutso about this is H likes it when he has to chase me. I think H truly thought that I was checking out for good tonight. I must admit, I may be. There is one thing in life I know without a doubt that I do well--I am a good mother. And when I'm not experiencing life-altering crisis like the last 3 years have brought me, I'm also smart, well-educated and pretty sharp. As a good mother and a woman of faith, I will not permit my child to be subjected to his kind of deceit and immorality. Would I have let son go w/H if I knew OW would go or chance she would show up? Absolutely not. That is what has changed w/me tonight. I have discovered and found the line which to never cross and it was crossed without even my permission. I did not even have a chance to object to the situation. Seems unfortunate that this kind of Mrs. Rabbit type behavior is in the water here in the south too. I fear that maybe H's OW and Mrs. Rabbit may be chatting online together at gloryb. If I choose to hang in there, most will be a couple of weeks w/no answer. I told H tonight that I'd move home and that's it if we didn't work together. That I'm giving us a little time, but not waiting that long. Think H finally shook off the fog temporarily and got it. We had somewhat of a fog free conversation at dinner, but unfortunately the turn of events this afternoon kept me from touching my plate. Can not explain my lack of tears right now. Must be God. Guess that I'm just afraid that I'm internalizing it and gonna have another huge anxiety attack or something. I am strangely ok. <p>Think I finally realized one thing tonight. The MB principles do work. My different reaction to this horrible revelation and my new handling of it was the flip of what I'd used to do. MB principles and even being in A gave me the confidence and calmer demeanor to actually present the situation before H and H saw his wrongs. Only LB I did do, was say that I would in retrospect never given my permission for son to go and that exposing OW to son was immoral. I said that that would never be allowed to happen again. Left blistering messages w/OW. Considering actually placing restraint order on her to stay away from me and son. You do what you have to do to be a good parent. Part of tht is boundaries. This time, boundary was crossed with or without my permission as a parent. I really believe I have fought the good fight. If H doesn't turn this M around soon and show me that the man I married is still there, then I fear that my rope has reached its end. With God's grace I will be willing to try w/him again, but if no attempt soon, I will be checking out of this probably before Jan 1. <p>I pray this evening finds all of you, and Orchid, doing well. H called little while ago to see if I made it in safely. Hasn't done that before. Oh well, Dobson does say in LMBT that some of the strongest feelings of respect and love can be generated after a confrontation. Please pray hard friends for this little family. We have endured so very much. Pray for my son, who is also having a terrible time with this, as he is so young. I thank God for all of you here, and want you to know that were it not for the MB principles and faith, I could not have held my cool tonight even facing what I did. There is something to be said for a woman who can stand her ground firmly and get her point across without raising her voice or being anything at all less than a lady. I am glad God has given me this opportunity to truly show that I am a woman and a W worthy of nothing less than total respect. Few months earlier, had this same situation arose, i would have truly lost my cool. <p>Just pray for us tomorrow my friends. I pray for my heart, that God can help me hold on for a little while longer. Just like in my life verse, I pray I can after having done everything, to stand. Know tonight that with or without H, I will stand. That I am all the much better because I took the harder road and made myself accountable to God and my family and friends for my actions. Although I will definitely have trouble sleeping tonight, when sleep finally overcomes me, I will have no problem getting up tomorrow and looking at myself in the mirror. This has been the hardest day of my life, next to the day I filed for D and the day my dad died. Please, keep praying. I thank you more than you will ever know...

Hi Peach, <p>I just your response to my and this post. I also left you a message. I am impressed with the way you handled yourself. You certainly are way more attractive by carrying yourself with respect than a haz been OW. It is hard to imagine how a woman can be so disrespectful to another's child. A promiscuity of sorts which well warrarnts a restraining order. Take a look at the laws in your area. Hope you can get it soon!!!!<p>Listen, since I am out here on the west coast and H is out of town, you are welcome to call anytime. Just me plucking away at these keys. <p>Take Care,
L.

peachy,
I am very noosy and Orchid knows that I sometime could not resist these keyboard [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>I am following your progress and I am really proud on what you have accomplished. You have learned and come to understand MB, specially plan A, and get the best out of you and let it shines. You have learned to let it go and no more tears for WS. Most WS did not know what they have until it is too late.<p>I don't consider your action is an LB. They know they did something wrong. As long as you do not do it in an outburst, unresonable demand, etc ..., you did a fine job. The only advice I would have for you is stay away from OW. Never disclose what make you ticks or your hot buttons. OW will use it to keep pushing and destroy your M ... and dumb WS will fall for that. Also I hate to say this but it is not OW's fault at all but H.<p>IMVHO, Jan 1 is too short. Just because you come to understand about plan A lately or actually doing plan A (addressing "challange"). What you have to do is plan A in "full blast". Change your email password or get a new email address !. Get a job !. Invite H to social parties and let him realize that he has a "throphy wife", a wife that most men willing to die for !. This is the change that you need to do, not for H but for yourself. At the same time you need to assure H that you still love him and "save" to come home. I would not move home just because it is easier to let H see your changes and you are stronger and do not need the support right next to you.<p>Get Steve guidance on when and what to do in plan B. It is a very big decision, you want to make sure all ducks are lined up properly.<p>I keep praying for you and your family & the rest of us in my list ... my list is growing but God answered one of them. Rick's OM LB'ed big time and it seems that A coming near to its natural death. Praise the Lord for that.<p>[ December 06, 2001: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>