Hi! I'm new to this site hoping i'll find some answers to my questions,i'm so confuse and don't know what to do.I've been married for 4 yrs. but we have a longdistance kind of relationship since we immigrated here in the US before we got married.So I have to go and visit him in our home country every year in addition to frequent phone calls to keep our marriage.After the long wait for his visa he finally coming here in the US but I just found out last month that he is having an affair for about a year.We're childhood sweethearts,we've been in a relationship for 8 yrs before we got married so all I thought is that our love for each oher i solid and that this will never happen to us but I was wrong.It hurts so bad and I can't do anything coz I'm thousands of miles away from him.
I confronted him about what I learned, at first he denied it,but after persistent confrontation,he admitted but not having an affair.He said he just FLIRTED with her.But I'm really convinced from my friends story that he is cheating me so I even asked him not to come here in US anymore, and he was crying and telling me that he can't live without me, that he's gonna kill himself if i'll end up our relationship.So I told him not to have any kind of communication with that girl ever again.But until now,my friend is telling me that the OW and my husband are still going out.So how will I know if he still loves me?Yah, he's telling me how he loves me but his actions differ.How culd he still hurt me if he loves me? Could it be that he fell for his ow too?Please help...I dnt knw what to do...<p>[ December 07, 2001: Message edited by: shecz ]</p>

shecz,
First welcome to MB and there is link below that you should read immidiately and post some Q if you need some clearifications. Second you have to see if you still want this M if you could work it out. It seems you do. IMHO, you get him to US and work on plan A. Take H word for now do not push for info. on A but do push for MC and his word on no contact as a condition to come. I assume H said that he stoped all contact. Once H is here you could make sure no communication or monitor the communication.
H fell for OW because he didn't protect his weakness. He opens door for A. Your story is not unique as many other BS could tell you their story. Buy HNHN book and send one for H. Buy SAA for youself. Once H is here get conseling w/ MC that practice MB or get it from MB itself.
WS does all kind of stuff you could imagine under the sun beacuse they live in the fog. The worst kind of selfishness take over your H. Many poster here have a happy ending and some are not, there is no guarantee. However give M a shot and we are all here to give support.

Thanks for your advice.I think your right I'll try not to talk about the A for now.I'll just wait til he get here(maybe before xmas) bacause everytime I open the topic about his A we end up fighting on the phone.When I asked him how are we gonna solve our problem, he replied that we'll just talk about it when he's here.I decided I really want to save our M, so will there be any good if I'll still gather some evidences about his A?Will I stop calling my spy?I'm afraid of hearing that they are still seeing each other.I also don't know how will I act when I'll see him personally.Yes,, I still love him inspite of all the pain he brought me, but I'm stil angry with him coz the pain still stay in my heart. Will I show him how much I love him? or will I show him how much I hurt like I'll be cold to him or I'm not gonna have sex with him?

Never bring A unless WS bring it up first, my WW starts to bring it up herself often even today she talked to me for 2 hours on the phone. I guess she try to test the water if I will hold a grudge if she decide to come back and work on M.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I decided I really want to save our M, so will there be any good if I'll still gather some evidences about his A?Will I stop calling my spy?I'm afraid of hearing that they are still seeing each other.</strong><hr></blockquote>
I always ask you the same question I ask everyone about snooping ... what are you going to do with the information ?. I need to snoop because I want to protect my WW & accessing how deep the A is. However what you find out will drain your LB$ in no time. So snooping is a personal decision. Some people just assume the worst and work on plan A. Do not even use the information to LB, it is useless. You use it to see if you make progress on your plan A.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I also don't know how will I act when I'll see him personally.Yes,, I still love him inspite of all the pain he brought me, but I'm stil angry with him coz the pain still stay in my heart. Will I show him how much I love him? or will I show him how much I hurt like I'll be cold to him or I'm not gonna have sex with him?</strong><hr></blockquote>
You should show him how much you love him despite all of this. If he brings up A you tell him your feeling w/o LB, you will have your chances. Getting cold to him is going to push him away. For SF, you should do it, but protect yourself. To get residence visa H has to go STD test but that is not guarantee H doesn't do it afterward w/ OW. You could try to push H to do STD test w/o LB. In short learn about plan A, snoop H to monitor your plan A's progress and keep posting here for update.

My husband just got his visa so he might be here next week. But last night I found out that he's talking with OW in he dark.I don't know what to feel anymore, he said he's sorry that he shouldn't be talking to her.He still never admit that he is having an affair but he admits talkin to OW.I'm so hurt, I feel like he really loves his OW coz why is he taking the risk of ruining our M by contacting her.He was crying last night when he was apologizing and he knows that he'd done wrong.I'm a forgiving person just as long as he'll tell me evry single truth.But how will I make him do that?I don't think he'll confess everything if I'll just keep silent about his A.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by shecz:
<strong>My husband just got his visa so he might be here next week. But last night I found out that he's talking with OW in he dark.I don't know what to feel anymore, he said he's sorry that he shouldn't be talking to her.He still never admit that he is having an affair but he admits talkin to OW.I'm so hurt, I feel like he really loves his OW coz why is he taking the risk of ruining our M by contacting her.He was crying last night when he was apologizing and he knows that he'd done wrong.I'm a forgiving person just as long as he'll tell me evry single truth.But how will I make him do that?I don't think he'll confess everything if I'll just keep silent about his A.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Right now your H is "in the fog", his selfishness take the better of him. Actions or words or behaviors do not make any sense or logic at all. They know they are doing bad thing yet they can not let it go since it feels good to them.<p>Draw the boundry and limit ... for him to come ask him 1. to cut all ties w/ OW and follows all the precausion that will be imposed, open email password, open cell phone detail/pin, open bank account, open schedules, etc. 2. get counseling once he is here, make sure you get one that is MB practitioners. 3. Once H is here, aks H to get STD check up. If he refuses you have tougher time to rebuild your M and it is your call to accept H or not. But from your description you have a chance to get him agree upon. Meanwhile read up on MB concept. Whenever you have a contact with him, plan A'ng and no LB. Do not bring up about A at all, only one time when you try to set the boundry above.<p>If H refuses or H say yes but later back out of it IT IS NOT THE END OF M, it just makes it harder for you to work on your M. However considering H will be by your side and probably OW is 10,000 miles away, you have more chances than most of us that our SO/OP are co-habitat. A will die eventually, let alone w/ distance. You have to ask yourself, if you could get H back and have a very loving M, are you willing to work on it ?.<p>Again, you are worry, hurt, confused and in anxeity right now. Please set it aside, please read up MB concept, buy or borrow HNHN, SAA and 4 gifts of love. Post here if you have any questions. The next contact w/ H you take the opportunity (when H cries and remorse) to make H promised you to comply with your boundry above, even ask H to email it to you. Protect yourself on SF until H is getting checked up on STD.<p>Keep posting it will help you.

Thank you redhat for your pieces of advice.I saw some changes in him,He's the one calling me now and telling me where he is and what are his activities even if I never ask him about it.I tried so hard not to mention about the A but if I slip he don't get mad now unlike before (he's always defensive and raises his voice before). I hope these are all positive changes and not a good-for-one-week kind of change.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by shecz:
<strong>Thank you redhat for your pieces of advice.I saw some changes in him,He's the one calling me now and telling me where he is and what are his activities even if I never ask him about it.I tried so hard not to mention about the A but if I slip he don't get mad now unlike before (he's always defensive and raises his voice before). I hope these are all positive changes and not a good-for-one-week kind of change.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Yes, it is positive changes and a huge one actually. His way of showing remorse and tries to assure you. You have to make sure that changes stick. Encourage it and let H know that you are appriciate his efforts. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .