Finally somewhere anywhere to turn.
Well my wife told me the day before thanksgiving that she had an affair about a year ago.Weeks before she told me we were looking into marrriage counseling and still are.The problems now have been compounded with the news of the affair which has crushed me.I have spent the last two weeks unable to function in any way, along with almost no sleep,crying,fear,anger,nobody to talk to and feeling helpless god I love her soooo much and tell her this daily and told her this immediatly after she told me about the affair.To make things worse she works with the OP in same building but says there is no contact.I don't know this for sure but she seems sincere.I would ask her to leave her job but we need the money and it is a very good job.There are about 500 other people in this building and she claims that she would have to go out of her way to have contact with this person who is also married.WS claims A lasted about 4-5 months I had no idea it hurts sooo bad.We have a 10 year old daughter, my stepdaughter since she was 3 I was home watching her while WS and OM were destroying our marriage and me.I have so many pictures in my head about graphic details that I don't know about but they are there and are consuming me, like touching,sucking,kissing,intercourse,positions,where they did it how many times, she claims no more than 6, I know that its not the point how many but only 6 in almost as many months.Why do these mental pictures haunt me?I want to work this out we just purchased our first home in april of this year, I have told her that I forgive her but it is hard to move forward with all the thoughts about details in my head.She says it will never happen again and is sorry, I beleive her but I'm so emotionally messed up that I've almost shut down completely.I feel good when she is around me but then the pictures in my head start tormenting me god help me will they ever go away.We have made love since she told me numerous times, and are very passionate during.I know that I'm all over the place in this post but my brain is fried right now.She will not tell me OM name or give much detail about A until we see counseler.I die a little more every day she leaves for work knowing OM is in same building.She says she has no feelings for OM but will not tell his name or let me contact OM wife and tell her about affair which I feel will help save my marriage by getting OM out of picture.I wrote a letter a couple of days after she told me when my emotions were more fresh as well as my brain.I work out of the house and am alone most of the day I need someone to talk to but have nobody, so I leave the house and waste time until our daughter is out of school and then come home and wait for my wife to come home and I just hold her and want to be near her, I am starting to crumble pleas someone give me some advice.I wish that I could think more clearly and be more detailed about this but right now I am drained.I know that WS and OM did it in car and hotel after going out for happy hour which my WS says she will not be doing happyhour unless I go anymore.I want to contact OM at his work and tell him I know and that he should tell his wife or I will.Is this OK or not, this hurts so bad she is my everything god I love her so much why has she hurt me soooo bad.Try this one, we just went today and gave a semen sample to a reproductive clinic to see if I am able to have children of my own.We have been talking about this since befor I found out about afair.Is that crazy,stupid,reachng or what?We are looking into invetro fert. my wifes tubes are clamped.I still very much would like to have a child with my wife and be a family which we already are with our daughter my stepdaughter,but I want a child of my own,my stepdaughter still sees her biological father two weekends a month.I am so messed up right now I just need to hear other peoples opinions and advice.I'm so lonely and scared I want my marriage to work, and I especially want the pictures in my head to go away.Please send words of healing and encouragement.I hurt I think I cry.............
onlylonely

Well, if that doesn't sound remarkably familiar!! I can offer my expression of sympathy but would have to say it's time to be firm. I'm in the middle of a 3 month separation--I went through all the same and eventually what I found is she either figures out what she has to lose or she can go to hell--It's rough language but it's how I feel. I spent the last 1 1/2 years going through all of that and she either figures out "her issues" or can carry on.<p>I got a lot of that advice on this site from other members. I hope my situation and yours works out but at some point, you have to make a stance. I'm not totally with the whole "give her all the time she needs" crap. Face it, life is too short to be miserable.<p>Hang in there, man--

onlylonely,
Welcome to MB, we believe in restoring our M. My sympathy to you as many BS that come to this site. I could tell you right now that I have been in your position as a BS myself, there are some things that you should do to help you out right away. You should ask her to help you out on recovery, working on M. Read up on MB concept, EN, LB$, LB and so on. Get busy and never have idle time. Go to library or book store to read up on HNHN & SAA. Time will heal you but idle time will kill you. It is good that your W confess and wanted to work on M. Get a MB conselor or someone that practice MB. Regular MC will do more damage than helping your M. Actually, if you work together with W you could "do it yourself" MB. If you need it see your doctor and just ask for anti D, just told him you are under a lot of stress, a marriage problem.<p>Considering for getting someone to watch your kids and go to a long vacation w/ your wife alone. Go somewhere that you could have vacation, quite time together ... bring HNHN & SAA book to read together. Fill in LBQ & ENQ.<p>Keep posting, it will help you.

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: Bunny ]</p>

You will find plenty of good advice on the board. I can only point out some of the positives from your sides (I know there are negatives though especially with OP working in same building which is a big negative)<p>From what you said<p>1. She told you.<p>2. She was seeking counseling prior to telling you.<p>3. She is willing to go to counseling.<p>As far as the images at least you don't know what the guy looks like apparantly which I take as a plus. They will fade with time I can assure you but it will take time. Best advice I can give is to try to identify triggers for them and work around those. Work on building a future with your wife and stepdaughter and try not to obsess on them (easy to say). <p>I would say set aside a time ahead of time where you two know you are going to talk about the affair so both of you can be mentally prepared and can try to deal with it rationally. <p>Your wife seems remorseful and willing to work on things. I would also suggest you look at what you can cut out of budget or rearrange to where she can work elsewhere. Even seeing each other in the hall is a no no.

By the way what you are feeling is "normal" whatever that is in situations like this.<p>Good luck