Thanks to all who posted on my original post (Me or Her) regarding who moves out. She did, one month ago. We are in a "modified" plan B, with minimal contact, respective to our child, whom we switch each week.<p>She had the A, blah blah blah, claims it was over 6 months ago, needs 90 days to figure out her "guilt" and issues. She definitely has self esteem and guilt issues but at some point I reserve the right to call BS and say either quit whining or resolve. I'm an extremly motivated ESTJ (for the myers/briggs fans) who doesn't get it--either you figure it out or move on.<p>At any rate. . .it's 30 days into the 90 day plan and I'm getting a little pissed. Maybe I feel there should be a quick resolve, new progress etc. Deep inside I question whether the A is over but I'm 50/50 on it. The earlier signs before D_Day were dead on--amazing. However, now, I lean ever so slightly that it is over.<p>Bottom line is that I'm getting extremely impatient that everything has to transpire on her schedule. I have needs too, dammit!!!<p>I'm at the point where I feel like it's my place to know whether or not this A is over or if she is really working on getting her act together like she claims.<p>Do I suck it up, give the 90 plan the full time, or resort to calling BS on it all and asking for a point blank answer?? If the A is over, I'm willing to do my part. If it isn't, I will not wait it out. Went throught way too much BS the last year and a half to sit back and take it.<p>Dammit it to hell. . . being type A is so frustrating. Patience is an excellence virtue. . . yeah, right.

guido,
Do you ever work on plan A at all ?. You could standing there all your life if you do not do plan A correctly. Now actually I see it as an LB to put demand on her. You should increase the contact ... there isn't modify plan B !!!. You should be there plan A'ng your butt out. Even to let her cohabitat, I missed out you earlier post since I am not aware about MB myself back then, I would advice you differently. I am INTP.<p>IMVHO, you are gambling with your M by working 90 days deadline and no conctat ... you have 50-50 chance and if OM is ready to take her you will have Dv. It is getting late but I do not think you do plan A correctly.

You said you have needs to. We all do.<p>Forgive my question if it is out of line but do you plan on going out and meeting someone on day 91 if those needs remain unmet. It doesn't work like that usually. And I speak as someone who went out on my first date ( a blind date at that) after 9 months of separation from my first wife (who was living with her boyfriend). 15 years later here I am. Never dated anyone else and never regretted it and hopefully will be seeing my wife for the first time in almost 4 months next week. <p>Generally from what I have read it is recommended that you give a serious relationship a year or so after you get out of a serious relationshop. Everyone is different of course. <p>My wife also has large self esteem and guilt issues. Do you know the cause? Have you tried to help her with them?<p>Patience is a learned virtue sometimes. I know from experience. The question is how much do you really love her and how long will that love sustain you. Only you can answer that and IO am sure that answer won't be a circled day on the calendar.<p>And I am not justifying your wife's affair so please don't think I am. I, however, have been on that rollercoaster twice now so I know the pain and frustration. First time around I made LOTS of mistakes. Second time around same rollercoaster but not nearly as many mistakes. <p>Hang in there.

I am sorry if I came across harshly in my previous post. I didn't mean to.<p>I guess what I am trying to say is a set deadline generally seems to put up walls instead of tearing them down. They are great for paying bills but not for emotions. How would you feel if you got into an argument at work and someone came up and said that the personality conflicts have to be settled in one hour. Would you probably like the person in 61 mintues?<p>DO you know how you will feel 3 months from now? Most of us (at least me) have feelings that swing in about 3 hours much less 3 days.<p>If you want to set a deadline you may set it for yourself and just not tell her about it. Do you want her to come back because you said do it or else or do you want her to come back because she loves you enough to want to?<p>Hope this helps and I apologize if I offended.

Thanks for all of the replies. I've kinda moved over to Not Peachy in GA's posts--a lot going on there to comment on.<p>Anyway, a couple of things. After reading tons of posts over the weekend, you all are right--there are no "modified" plan B's. I'm back to the Plan A, trying to not LB. Found out, though, last week the A was still on. Subsequently, she claimed "over" once again as of last week. Made her swear on bible (she did). Probably not the best thing to do.<p>Anyway, and forgive me if you've read any of this in Peaches thread, I spent the afternoon with her Sunday during the exchange of our S and she cooked my lasagna, we watched football all day.<p>During a quick errand, the OM called her cell phone, which VERY oddly enough, she left at the apt. I answered-- OM--. . ."uhhhh, is WS there"
ME--NOPE, she's not". OM--". . .uhhhh, ok"<p>Fast forward to today. I want to continue plan A, see what her actions bring and if she's full of it again, or she is finally had a moment of truth. Having been burned SO many times, it's always hard to buy anything they say. <p>I've also decided that if I ascertain that it is still on, I'm going public to her parents, family, neighbor across street who works with OM. I'm not going to do the lying to everyone that the separation is for her to "clear her head" yada yada yada, while it's really just a dandy and less hassle arrangement for the A to linger.<p>Have considered calling OM at his work or even his cell phone and scripting a conversation but without getting nasty, I really don't know what is the right thing to say. <p>Any and all comments are appreciated. We have spoke today a few times (which is more than the last 40 days.) She talked about work, her big meeting today, etc and had genuine emotion to it. Hope I'm not fishing. . .<p>Thanks everyone<p>Guido

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by guidobalata:
<strong>Thanks for all of the replies. I've kinda moved over to Not Peachy in GA's posts--a lot going on there to comment on.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Don't hijack peachy's post, you will have more help with your own post. Yes I read your posts too but I refrain to comment on it.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Anyway, a couple of things. After reading tons of posts over the weekend, you all are right--there are no "modified" plan B's. I'm back to the Plan A, trying to not LB. Found out, though, last week the A was still on. Subsequently, she claimed "over" once again as of last week. Made her swear on bible (she did). Probably not the best thing to do.
</strong><hr></blockquote>
Good you realized that you are in plan A, sorry for my harsh reply earlier. I am not surprise that A is still in full fledge. Moving out makes it more convinient to her. Please do not "force her" and obsess about A. This picture will impact you more now and impact her more later. When they are in the fog you better let it go.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>During a quick errand, the OM called her cell phone, which VERY oddly enough, she left at the apt. I answered-- OM--. . ."uhhhh, is WS there"
ME--NOPE, she's not". OM--". . .uhhhh, ok"</strong><hr></blockquote>
Do you intoduce your self as mr. guidobalata ? ... LOL !!!. He will probably wonder what are you doing in there [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Fast forward to today. I want to continue plan A, see what her actions bring and if she's full of it again, or she is finally had a moment of truth. Having been burned SO many times, it's always hard to buy anything they say.</strong><hr></blockquote>
IMHO, you should quit that action, she is in the fog, you should not expect anything back. This is the hardest part of plan A.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I've also decided that if I ascertain that it is still on, I'm going public to her parents, family, neighbor across street who works with OM. I'm not going to do the lying to everyone that the separation is for her to "clear her head" yada yada yada, while it's really just a dandy and less hassle arrangement for the A to linger.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Good. Why you have to support her fog ?. A has to be exposed and let reality hit it & judge it. Do they know her A prior to separation ?. Just be carefull how you expose A.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Have considered calling OM at his work or even his cell phone and scripting a conversation but without getting nasty, I really don't know what is the right thing to say.</strong><hr></blockquote>
I would let it go. Anything you say will be use as a topic in their conversations and you don't want to know what their are saying. I would call OM'W if he is married.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Any and all comments are appreciated. We have spoke today a few times (which is more than the last 40 days.) She talked about work, her big meeting today, etc and had genuine emotion to it. Hope I'm not fishing. . .</strong><hr></blockquote>
When she is ready she will bring A, just be patience.<p>Did you revisit her issue(s) in your M ?.<p>[ December 11, 2001: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>