Well first I would like to thank guidobalata and redhat for the only two responses to my post so far.THANK YOU BOTH FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!!!!<p>I will hang in there but the pain and mental pictures are consuming me.I do feel a little better since reading the responses.I sent my wife the first e-mail that I have ever sent her today and she responded from work.She is the WS and told me in the mail that she feels deep love for me and that we will be better than ever after we get through this.She has not talked much about the A and claims that there are no feelings towards OM.Is this possible?Supposedly it has been about a year since the A but they work in the same building for the same company where there are between 400and500 people OM is also married.She did tell me that ending the affair was a mutual thing because both were married and did not want to lose all they had built with their spouses.A little late to think this way!!
I feel that my wife has emotional problems from her child hood.I feel that she deals with them by being selfdestructive to her body by using sex.She is sooo beautiful and good natured that it kills me to think this way.I think that the affection kills the pain but I want to be the pain killer,I would die for my wife or do anything to take on all of her hurt so she would not hurt.Before we were married people that knew her said she was LOOSE and maybe she was but I did not know her then.It did bother me somewhat but I knew that I loved her and got past that.I knew my wife for 6months before we married.She asked me to marry her I said yes.She had a 3 year old daughter at the time and is now 10.I guess the signs of a WS were there at the beginning but I trusted un love and it bit me in the [censored].You know what?I still trust in love and we get through this but the memory will always haunt me I guess I wish they would disappear,especially the mental pictures of the details that I have not been told about but I still see touching,kissing,intercourse,sucking, all of it.That was for me and me only SCREAM and CRY!!!! How do I know if she really loves me and is in love with me,how do I trust again,I want to make love to her right now and hold her and tell her I'm sorry for being part of the reason that she had the A.I constantly tell I'm sorry and that I love her and she has told me but not consistently she is a little more harsh than me and has always been but mostlt towards others when they deserved it and I found this attractive in her.But I am finding out that she is not as strong on the inside as she appears to be on the outside.There is coldness in her still but I'm convinced that is from her F****d up childhood which left her feeling unloved and starved for love and affection.So I guess when we had problems that I broke emotional contact with her and she initiated it with someone else without trying very hard to resolve issues, but still kept me around because she did love me.Anyway I just wanted to speak my mind a little bit and maybe some of you who are so kind and feeling like I do will respond and keep me company I need it.Still hurting,am lonely going through this alone, crying what a baby I am but I can't stop, I feel soooo tired and drained I need love and affection every day.I love my wife very much and hope we can rebuild our M.PLEASE RESPOND SOMEBODY

onlylonely,<p>I can relate to how you feel in every respect. You feel alone, confused, scared and very angry, all at the same time. I know, anything can set off crying spells, for me music would really tear me up, not to mention starting to think about details of the A and the betrayal. Snooping and monitoring my W also tops the list as one of worst things I've ever had to do as well. This is a life altering event. You can read my posts in "Willing to hang in there", as I am a BS still going through it.<p>From the moment you make the commitment to yourself to stay, you've committed to a long road to hoe, not to mention an emotional rollercoaster ride you'll never forget. I've found great support here. Redhat has a heart the size of Texas, and has really good insight. This is a very difficult time, hang in there, keep your mind busy and take care of yourself. If you have someone to talk to by all means use them, I didn't, and going through it alone is no fun. I by no means claim to be an expert, but if you just need to talk to someone my email is echalon61@hotmail.com. I turned to exercise and this support group, and haven't regreted one second of it. I know right now this might not hold water, but it'll get better. <p>Echalon<p>[ December 05, 2001: Message edited by: Echalon ]</p>

I posted in your other post as well.<p>The crying spells are normal too. IT HURTS. We all know that. I am sure that your wife does too. <p>As for the issues you state she has I would suggest counseling if she is willing to go. Go with her and realize that it just isn't her problem. It affects not only her but you and your stepdaughter. Be willing to walk that mile in hell with her because chances are she is going to need you to be by her.<p>Your wife sounds like she does love you. Work with her and together you will probably pull through this. Again as for the images. Yes they can be rough to deal with. Time is the big key there. Building good new memories will eventually take their place. Try to keep positive.

onlylonely,
Just to let you know we all shared the pain that WS does. It is very crucial that the first few days you get support. Be that 24 hours lurking this forum, or talking to family members. The key is let it out .... mourned like you never before, screams, cries if you have to ... greive for you pain. Once you feel a bit compose, you have to take actions, read and learn MB. I really do believe that if you follow MB principal you will be able to not only your old love but more full filling love toward each other. You see most of the "veteran MB" could tell you the their story. Hang in there, get help, if you are Christian, talk to you pastor. Tonight I will be in here again after 10:00 PST ... if you are here we could probably chat on ICQ.<p>Please do not even try to rationalize WW's behavior or words ... They are in the fog ... their selfishness take control over their mind.

Thank you to growing very tired,echalon,red hat,and guidobalata.All of you deserve much love and I send it.Well today was my first day of counseling, I had to attend on my own, my wife could not get out of work this time but is willing to go with me.The first session was probably routine and I was all over the place with my thoughts, although I did leave feeling a little better just having someone to talk to face to face.Anyone who reads these posts please respond because I need the support and advice sooo bad.My wife who is the WS seems to be doing her part to work through this but she is working very long hours while also staying in contact with me throughout the day,calling me telling me when she will be home and calling me just as she is leaving.I know its hard for her but she says she understands and doesn't mind.She has suggested that the day after christmas that she and I take a trip together for a few days to spend quite time together and talk and enjoy each other, good sign huh?Anyway this is still hard and I still can't stop thinking about OM because they work in same building.We are making love, talking, and being affectionate with each other, these are all good signs to.These all help to repair don't they?One thing that bothers me though is that every once in a while she will catch me staring into space and asks whats wrong, so I tell her that the pictures in my head are bothering me and I can't help it.She says like it is easy, to replace them with good thoughts, is she serious are you kidding me, doesn't she think that if I could I would and that I am not doing this on purpose man this blows me away.Well to those of you who read my first two posts you must notice that I am doing better, thank you its your doings with your responses.I wish I knew for sure that she is willing to work this out because she loves me and not because she feels guilty or sorry for me, but I guess only time will tel.Should I ask her if she really really wants to work this out for the right reasons, because I feel that if she knows that she can not be happy with me that we are both too young to be miserable the rest of our lives I'm 31 and she is 29 married 7 years no children together but she does have a daughter who is 10 my stepdaughter who still sees her biological father but I do love my stepdaughter very much.How do I find out why she wants us together?Is it pressure from immediate family who does not know of the A and happens to love me very much.Is she afraid that they will see her as the BAD GUY?Any suggestions on this issue.PLEASE REPLY
onlylonely<p>[ December 06, 2001: Message edited by: onlylonely ]</p>

Your wife seems to be trying guy. Commend her on that and thank her as well. <p>I would say take the vacation if you can. Getting her away from work may help you and just the change of scenery may help.<p>I would say that if the affair is over and the immediate inlaws etc don't know then it probably isn't best idea in the world to tell them. Others may disagree. <p>As far the images, when they come, try not to obsess on them (real easy to say). If your wife is home walk up to her and hug her and start talking about something, anything to get them out of your head. Do something that requires concentration. Go make love to your wife. That way the pictures you don't want may be replaced by those that you do want to remember.<p>Your wife seems to understand what you are going through and knows that she is the cause of it despite actions which you may have done which may have not deterred it from happening.<p>If you are religious you can try praying when the images come as well. I found that helped me with my first wife. And to quote Darth Vader "the forces (images) were strong with that one". I have had a few images about my second wife but I was able to deal with them a lot more effectively. <p>You sound like a man who has had a tramatic experience in your life. Time is the best healer in this as well as most tramatic experiences. <p>Remeber time is God's way of not having everything happen to you at once.<p>Good luck

I ditto GVT reply. The only thing that I have to add is you should just cuddle her out and try to give her back some affections. Even though you resent it at first, just do it, it will become easier w/ time. If you wonder about your M, MB is the best way to rebuild & protect your M. Read up on HNHN & 4GOL. Actually w/ HNHN you could make your self irresistable and hopefully she will do the same to you. Hang in there, the pain will slowing down, when you are hurt ... give her a hug and ask for some affections from her.

Your scenario sounds very much like mine, wife working long hours, OM working for same company, no one close to talk to, W has self issues and troubled childhood. Very uncanny. I think we have an awful lot in common. The offer still stands, contact me if you need to chat. I know how it feels to think you're alone.<p>Best wishes, Echalon