Hi,<p>I'm new to this board however, I've been reading posts for a couple of months now. Real quickly...<p>I discovered my H on CELL phone late one night in early September and confronted him about it in a calm manner although I was furious. He admitted it was a female co-worker but it was about a "he-said, she-said" matter at work for which he was trying to get info/clarity so as to know how to proceed at work on the following Monday morning. Of course I didn't buy this. We have been married for 3 years (2nd marriage for us both, my children live with us), together for 7. Prior to our marriage we separated for about 6 months. During that time he did begin and end a physical relationship with a YOUNG woman (about 13 years younger). I contend that this relationship precipitated the "break". Back to Sep' 2001. We talked for about 2 hours, outside (didn't want to wake/alarm the kids) and he said things like he's not happy with how his life is going, has not had a physical affair--YET (the nerve!)--no details, just a statement. Also said it wasn't me, it was him--definately felt his only course of action would be to leave me--nothing personal, still love you, just something I have to do. How nauseating, selfish, and after 2 months of consulting MB-Such "fog talk"<p>Fast forward to Oct 18th. After a few weeks of things seeming to get back to normal with a couple of unexplained incidences of tardiness coming home as well a big disagreement while we were out on "date night", which caused a serving of the cold shoulder to me from him, I suspected that something serious in the area of a propable affair was going on. That night he volunteered to go pick up some milk and bread from the grocery store and as he was leaving his cell phone rang he answered it in a way that was definately a female caller (something like hi, I was just thinking of you, let me call you right back). It took him 45 minutes to go and return with the milk, etc. (should have taken 15 mins) and when he returned, my son was putting out the trash so WS gave groceries to son to bring in and he took off. I was furious, called him repeatedly on his cell phone with no response. Went looking for him and found his car at a local bar (this is not like him at all). Parked outside and waited for awhile then said this is ridiculous and went home. Called again on the phone, again got the voice mail and something made me try his voice mailbox. I got into it trying just one password I thought it might be (divine intervention??) I heard to messages from 2 different women, one woman seems to be a friend trying to set up another friend, and the other really young sounding, seemed like a OW type. I'm not completely oblivious. As soon as I heard it I say RED. Got back into my car went to the bar to confront them only to find him hanging out in the bar with a couple of friends. I was mad, but only slightly embarrassed. After all, things have not been great and he did say in September that he felt he had to leave our marriage, just no set date.<p>We came home and went to bed after he jokingly said to me "boy I bet you just thought I would be sitting up here with some chick, didn't you?<p>I didn't tell him about the voicemail, because I knew I would need it later--to prove my own sanity to myself. Anyway, here's how the story unfolds to my question about Plan A...<p>The next morning I try not to start an argument about "where we stand" but I press him for his opinion about our relationship. He starts off by saying that I didn't take him seriously about the he needed to leave part. I assured him that I did, however, since he said there was no affair, I didn't see what reason he had for talking to women on the phone, it never had a place in our relationship before, so why now? And what about the "no physical affair, YET" No anwer to that question this conversation, including tears, etc. went on for 7 or 8 hours with him stating that he knew we would have to discuss this again for logical reasons but didn't want to fight, still loves me, will always but has to go.<p>I don't like it, but accept that as an adult we all have choices and I couldn't make him stay, but I was bent on the issue of RESPECT. Do not humiliate me by lying. If you call yourself a man and you've decided to be unfaithful because that's who you want to be with--regardless of what God says on the matter--than so be it. But, be a man and admit it. He said he could respect that sentiment and would. He's such a liar! That's probably when I remembered the MB Website. I started looking into it. It was helpful to an extent, I believe we all have to go through things. Did I believe my WS had not had a physical affair yet? 50-50 but that was the second time he'd said its almost like he's trying to 1/2 way admit something. A few more days later, 10/30/01 his Cell phone bill comes home and I'm home alone with it. Well you know what I did. Opened, copied, studied, plotted on a graph, you name it I did it and then I put it back in its envelope and back with his mail. I was so hurt. Without having bills from maybe June I can't tell when this started but for at least the end of September through the end of October he spoke to this person 30 times. It started out as short calls then they got real lengthy. I noted that the night we had the big disagreement on date night, he didn't come home for a few hours and during that time, he was on the phone with this person, who after investigating, found she is a college student whose phone number is in a state 950 miles from us.<p>I have no proof of a physical affair,however, I consider this proof of a serious emotional/phone relationship. <p>I did not confront him for a while, maybe 8 days about the bill. When I told him about the bill it was after an all day session of deep (maybe it was deep, maybe it was an act) talk in our pajamas on a Sunday afternoon. In a way I feel I was setting him up, I know he took it that way. I asked him about different scenarios and whether he would consider them infidelity, and he agreed they all were. I included the scenario of extended conversations with people of the opposite sex and did he feel there could be a danger of an affair--he said definately. I then let him know I had seen his bill. I asked him if he was still in contact with the long distance lady and he said no. Asked him when he stopped calling her and he got ready to answer and I slipped and LBed by saying, be careful, I've seen your bill. That pretty much ended that session, he was trying to leave the bedroom, I coaxed him into staying and aswering my question. He said it was late, he was tired, etc. I made him give me 3 minutes. He obliged, reluctantly and I asked was this the person and the place which he would be leaving me for. He laughed and said is that what you think. She's obviously not here now so I asked if he'd been itimately with her here. He wouldn't tell me how he met her....<p>The next few days consisted of me now trying to take back the confrontion, reading about plan A, <p>He has not left. I've gotten a grip on my roller coaster emotions for the moment. I confiscated his last bill but have not turned it over to him or admitted to it. Midway through the billing cycle, the calls seemed to have stopped (a friend says he may have another phone), he seems to be moving in my direction. He got a better job and seems to be feeling better about his life although the new job is nights, driving trailers "over-the-road" (he is a professional truck driver 15 years). He had to be in training for a week out of state and he called me from his hotel each night and spoke for over an hour each time. Once he started driving with the trainer,he wasn't able to make personal calls, for obvious reasons. However, once at the terminal during their layover he called and talked to me, giving me his whereabouts, something he's been as of recently not doing--very secretive about his whereabouts. But that seemed to be changing in the past 3 weeks--coincidence with the girl's number not appearing on the bill since 11/1l0/01? Even more promising,from one layover
this past week he called me and told me that he had saved some text messages I'd sent him (during my needy, begging him to give our marriage a fighting chance, I love you til death do us part, phase) and when he's missing me, he'll re reaad them. That sounded very sweet and I told him I wished I had some messages myself so I could do the same. I meant it when I said it. <p>OK. This weekend was our first time together for a weekend since this job started. The job can keep him on the road for days at a time. So he comes home (we had house guests that week) brought me flowers, groceries to make a cozy breakfast, a home cooked meal he wanted me to make since he appreciated what he'd taken for granted--my meals--it was a very nice weekend. We rested a lot and spent some nice quiet time together. Sunday night, he went to pick my son up from a friend's house. When he brought him home, he came in and tells me he'll be back in an hour. He comes back 2 1/2 hours later. I'm annoyed, suspicious--now I can't wait til the next bill comes in so I can compare the date and time of this mysterious disappearace and see if he called her. I guess this is a set back. I've been doing my own version of Plan A. But from what I read, it seems like most postees WS are not in the house with them. I must tell you that I was a serious LBer. I didn't see most things I do as LBing. It's a challenge not to LB.<p>Can Plan A work if you two are living together? As you read, I don't completely reveal the extent of my detective work (I know he has a PO Box, just found out yester day where and what the number is, he doesn't know I have his last phone bill, doesn't know I can access his voice mailbox on his cell phone--He will not let me use his car alone--no doubt there's a lot to see in that trunk!) If I can attempt to do Plan A with him in the house, at what point would I need to move to plan B?<p>I believe that I didn't post anything sooner as I knew this would take a while to write. Sorry it's so long. I did say quickly though, didn't I?
