HangingIn,
Get a MB conselor, you do not want second guessing. You situation a bit unique since you interfere w/ A and make it end. Now you have to apply care, love, protection & time as much as your W allows you to. You are in plan A, not in recovery. You are in recovery when WW wants to work on M and let you fullfill EN(s).<p>Print out the last link on my sig and let her talk to trueheart via email ... bless her heart to open up and willing to help.

good luck to you, read surviving and affair and his needs her needs by dr. harley if you have not already. HONEY

Thanks as usual redhat. Tho I seriously doubt she would read the letter. It is amazing though i wish she would beable to say something like that. But I know she wouldnt even read it. she says she is doing the best she can and how can I expect more from her. <p>I love her so much but my anger for him and her for doing this to us keeps growing too. Anger at myself for letting this happen. My situation is so much better than all yours I guess, which makes me feel worse sometimes because I obviously cant handle it. I sit here and drown myself in self pity. I'm seeing a psychiatrist to try to improve myself and fix my ADD which helped lead to my inattention to her and also because im afraid of myself sometimes. I hurt so much. She is everything to me.. ill spill out my pity again and let you know that my family was physically abusive, and I lived most of my life in a cloud of depression till I met her. the last 7 years even not doing anything just being in my life letting me know someone loved me have given me something to hold on to. to keep my head afloat.
but it hurts that it could be over.
I read her old letters and her messages and cards to me and I dont see how they can be false. she had to have loved me. But she said that she remembers having trouble writing them and doesnt think she loved me or at least cant remember.
so if our "relationship" was over 5 years ago and she has been staying with me ever since because of pity. is there any hope for us?<p>sorry I guess i have to just pick myself up and stop feeling sorry for myself it doesnt benefit anyone. Don't worry all I'm still hanging in.<p>HONEY: thanks for your kind words. FYI Im in MD thats not where you are is it?

HangingIn,<p>I am a FWW and my A began before my H and I were married. Long story, but there are some similarities between our two situations. Married just over 1 year, been together almost 9. <p>Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I am here to share thoughts with you, since I was kind of in your wife's shoes and maybe I can help you understand what she is feeling and why she is saying those things to you.<p>Please don't discount the fact that you BOTH chose to marry one another. I find it very hard to believe that she stayed with you for 5 years and then married you out of pity. No one forced her to recite her vows in front of you, God and your family and friends. Please give yourself much more credit than that. I know it is very hard in light of the terrible situation she has put both of you in, not to mention the entire spectrum of feelings you are experiencing. Of course, I don't know you, your WW or the OM, but let me say this...their R can not last. It is based on deceit, lies and lust. They are just too blind or fogged to understand that right now. She is displaying very typically WS behavior. She can not see straight at this time. She THINKS she loves him, but this is all an illusion. An illusion because she will only allow herself to see the great side of him. She loved you once, she can love you again. She needs to make a decision to love you. In fact, I am willing to bet that she loves you right now, but can't see or feel it right now since she is so blind and in deep, deep fog.<p>I am here if you want to talk. I'll check back a little later.

Thanks for the reply. I guess Im a little anxious because my WW told me that the OM left his wife over the weekend. They are still talking though she says they are talking as "friends" only, though I know for a fact they sound like they are dating and sign each letter with "Love". I'm just afraid she is right maybe she didnt ever love me.<p>Something I've been not posting is the fact that I found out after we had been dating is that she left a 3 year relationship and turned down a proposal when she started with me. I knew she hadbroken up with someone when we started dating but I didnt know unless I just didnt want to know they were still semi trying to patch things up when she was with me. this was oh so long ago. so despite our 7 years and what I thought was love maybe Im just the OM and she just came out of her fog. Is that possible? I was single 18 and stupid (and no she has never married) and she is my first love, I know I still love her. <p>maybe this is just fate kicking me in the [censored]. I hate myself all the more if this is what I did to her ex. <p>I brought this to her attention. she flatly denies she was ever in love with her significant other at the time. though her words sound familiar and I htink she described me the same way to the current OM.
She started our relationship by persuing me.
she started this Affair by persuing him.<p>reap what you sow I guess?
maybe I deserve all this.<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: HangingIn ]</p>

HangingIn,<p>Absolutely NOT! You don't deserve this. No one does -- no matter the circumstances. Being unfaithful to your spouse is the most hurtful and selfish thing anyone can do. You did not deserve this no matter what! As for the signficant other from 9 years ago, please don't beat yourself up about this. You need to stay focused on the current issues/situation. Plus, I doubt she is thinking/talking straight anyways. We, WS, tend to feel despair and that we never loved our BSs while we are in an A. All sense and logic disappear. It happens in each and every case.

Thanks for the reply. I wish you could talk to my wife, though I doubt she would not appreciate it or take advice in the light it was meant. I hope what you say is true. I hope she really did love me. anyway.. still hanging around.

Hi - I am in tx, so it sounds like our spouses are not involved, it is just so unreal that it sounds the same in so many ways... it is ridiculous. I guess alot of affairs are very similar. I am so glad the Harley's have done this work and their studies,and methods for saving a marriage damaged in this way.<p>Thanks for reaching out, believe me my heart is with you. Tonight is another night I miss my husband, I only hope he is missing me- the counselor says he is repacing me with OW, and that is why it is less painful for them.. they do not actually seperate.. just replace us.<p>THanks, HONEY

Honey, feeling better today. The worst part of the A for us (the BS') seems to me that we are the ones left alone, the WS and the OW/OM have BOTH us AND the OM/OW. My therapist says that what hurts is also they seem to have all the control with the relationship. None of this was our choice, and fixing is their choice as well. Its hard.
If you are on AOL instant messenger feel free to AIM me my ID is argh1 <p>One day at a time. Try to stay positive and look to the future in a positive light.

i must reply, but i need to know you are still entering this post. Let me know what has happend since the 27th? How have things developed with the 2 of you and how are you handeling the A now???
monique

I'm still replying here.. typing everywhere. It does help.. though admittedly does worry me too.
Since the 27th, they are still talking. the tone of their e-mails has changed I think she is determined to be "just friends" though I told her it would help us and me especially if she could stop. She says she will but needs time. <p>Things are developing a little with us. though I know I screwed up at least twice and tried to rush things. Or broken down instead of being strong in front of her. little things eat away at me still, especially knowing they are still talking. We've had some fun time together, I continue to write ntoes give gifts and try to improve myself She has has some flashes. Some spontaneuous signs of affection. though when I tried to establish a checkpoint and asked her if she had felt ANY more passion for me in the last few days she said no. and I got my hopes dashed again. I'm having trouble with it I dont think I'd be normal if I could handle it.<p>I wonder if you saw that this post is 2 pages long now I posted a few updates since then.<p>>i must reply, but i need to know you are still >entering this post. Let me know what has happend >since the 27th? How have things developed with >the 2 of you and how are you handeling the A >now???
>monique

HangingIn,
You should stop asking. You are in plan A as long as A or contact is still going. Just look at her reactions. Your M will not recover as long as there is contact, so just let it go and don't ask no more.<p>Review and check your plan A again and again. It is not trying to fill in EN(s) but address the issues. Keep your focus on that.