Well, a quick overview of my scenario.<p>2 Weeks ago my W of 8 years tells me she no longer knows how she feels about me and doesn't know if she still wants to be married. She suggested a seperation and I agreed as long as she knew that if I left I would not return and if she left; she would not be welcome to return. My wife's new girlfriend recently seperated from her husband. While he was out of the home, this woman had several males friends dropping by so she could determine what is was about her husband that she liked and disliked. It made me sick. Furthermore my wife was going to this house, with our kids and they were witnessing this stuff going on, first hand. I was repulsed. Deep in my heart I knew a seperation was a bad thing.<p>I must admit I have not been the perfect H; but I have realized how much this family means to me. I invited God back into my life and my first assignment from Him, was to tell my wife all the details of my indescretions in our marriage. My W was actually thankful, pulled off her wedding band and said Thank You!, for being honest. I begged God for answers. I found MB. Without writing ALL the details, I have discovered my W is having an affair with a Co-Worker. I know this OM and he has been associated with our family for several years.<p>Currently my wife is in Florida visiting a high school girlfriend trying to clear her head. She is really in the "fog" and I am trying to learn how to deal with this. I called the OM and he assured me nothing was going on and he would have no further contact with my W and then proceeded to call her and told her what I said. My W was furious telling me I am trying to manipulate her and keep her from her friends. Some friends. I had told the OM that if he called my W again, I would call his W. So I did. She said she had suspected all along and she confront the OM. He confessed the affair and in his heated anger basically bragged to his W that he was in love with my W and confessed to all of the contacts they had and how he felt. A day later, yesterday, he was calling his wife and begging to come home (they had seperated too) and trying to fix their marriage. I called him on the phone and after a few angry exchanges we managed to have a conversation. I explained to him that if he truly intended to make this right with his wife, he needed to never agian have contact with my wife. I even suggested MB for he and his wife. So now, I sit and I pray and I wonder if he can make good on his word. I'm planning on him not keeping his word to me and I am preparing my A & B plans.<p>As I said, my wife is in Florida and does not know what has happened. When she finds out she will be furious with me and go further into withdrawal. I am making an A plan for when she gets home on Sunday. If there is no further contact, she will be grieving the loss of the OM and will need to see I am willing to meet her EN. Problem is, she would not even look at the ENQ, so I am guessing at the big one's. I'm thinking Family Committment, Domestic Support, Conversation(My bad one, OM's big one), Affection and Honesty and Openness. Since she has been in the "fog" I have been doing all the stuff here at home and the kids and I have really bonded. So two of those needs are by default. I have sent her flowers at her girlfirend's in FL and they will be delivered today. I'm doing my best to at least get her into conflict, but until she's ready it's a waiting game.<p>So for the plan B. As I look at this thing and I look at my Christian values, I am leaning toward Plan B being her to leave without the kids until she sorts things out. I do not want our children to see daddy hit the bricks and have my W bonding with the OM in front of them ( She has already exposed the 4 y/o to the OM over lunches and innocent playing times in the park with the OM's 2 y/o.) Also I don't want the kids dispurpted in the middle of the school year. (They are 4 & 7 so this is really hard on them.) My wife is already telling our 7 y/o that sometimes mommy's and daddy's divorce, but they love the kids just the same and they will be OK. It would be very hard on me to be a single dad; but I cannot accept subjecting these poor children to such terrible values. I feel that she has a very tough choice to make if this goes to Plan B. I know if I plan A her to death she will see how much I want to meet her EN; but the last thing she will remember of me, is how "I" made the final decision to rip her away from our children.<p>I need some advice. Am I making this plan for the wrong reason? I know if she comes home and is the affair is over, we will need to start to rebuild our marriage; but, there is also the chance the affair will contnue with even more secrecy and I feel obligated to protect the children. Your advice is appreciated.

Best I can offer is as follows:<p>1. Slow down <p>2. Read everything on this site<p>3. Slow down<p>4. Take a step back before you say or do anything else.<p>5. Slow down.<p>In my opinion you are acting on pure emotions. And that is where you are making mistakes. I know you are hurting and hurting bad. Your wife is probably feeling the same after your revelations as well. Both of you may look at the task as insurmountable. A friend of mine once asked me "How do you eat an elephant?" Answer - one bite at a time.<p>In my opinion Plan B is WAY too early. Have you found out what Lovebusters you have? Have you tried to identify your wife's emotional needs (other than for new friends apparantly)? Have you tried to fill those needs for longer than a few days? Do you love your wife enough to go through the pain that you are going to go through and visa versa since the infidelity was mutual?<p>Praying helps me. But also one thing I have learned is that God answers prayers and sometimes His answer is no. Also He answers them in His time and not yours. Is your wife religous? I can recommend books by Stormie Omartian for prayers etc to help out your marriage. <p>In my opinion you need to slow the horse down to a crawl and look at things with an ojbective nonemotional eye (yeah like that is easy). The information on this site will help you tremendously to do that. <p>In my opinion contacting the OM is a mistake as well as you are adding more oil into the flame that has a lot of gasoline already. Make this about your wife and you and not him. <p>Hope this helps. The road ahead sounds painful with lots of bumps. As for me I am on that same road. I know that God is with me and the end is worth it. Good luck

badger203,
Added to GTV advice. Learn about MB. There is no plan B w/o plan A all you are doing is driving your wife away. Make her move out, is making you having a harder time to apply your plan A. You are planning to LB big time again, IMHO, you try to judge her with your values. Where are those values when you have your A ?. She is now where you were, hope by showing your faith and the grace of God, she will come back.<p>Plan A is not about meeting your wife's EN. You get it wrong, read up on the link below from Distress. Plan A is about you to show that you are changed or capable of change. Changed in term of all the issue(s) that your wife have with you. Those might be related to your wife EN but might not. As a bonus your W might allow you to fill hers.

Well, I came to this site to learn and get advice from you folks. Sure enough, I through up my first post and you were able to hit my biggest LB right on the head. How do I move to help myself and slow down?

How to help yourself?<p>Ask yourself what you want in a spouse and then the next day compare yourself to that list and see what you aren't doing that you would like others to do for you.
Look at the emotional needs list on this site. What haven't you been doing?<p>My big ones were conversation and simply being there for my wife whether I thought she needed me or not. THen there was making all the decisions and simply just zero talking or time spent on the relationship. I am working on those even though I haven't seen my wife in almost 4 months and didn't have regular phone contact until this week.<p>What do you think you need to do to become a better person? Talking? caring? showing people you care by spending time with them? You get the idea.<p>Work on those issues to improve yourself.<p>Try to have a quiet conversation with your wife and TALK. No judgements etc (yeah I know it aint easy). If you have something that you even think will get taken the wrong way I would say don't say it. <p>If you have written communication write it down and read it the next day and then again before sending it to her. <p>Remember that this problem won't get solved tomorrow or the next day. Little baby steps in the right direction work best as if you lose ground it is a small amount of ground versus losing 5 days of effort in one careless heated moment. <p>Remember that saying "What would Jesus do?" and try to follow it even though it ain't easy and your ego and your emotions are gonna get kinda raw. <p>Remember that emotions can make you say things that you wish you hadn't so if nothing else SAY NOTHING and just listen. <p>Read the stuff on this site. It helps<p>Good luck

I am trying not to mess this up, but it seems I'm doing all the wrong things. I don't know what is right or wrong any more and I am trying to slow things down; but everything is still a whirl-wind.<p>My wife returned from her trip to Florida and told me she would "try" to work things out; but the was key "try" and she didn't know if she had anything left. I also knew the OM had returned home to his wife to "work" things out. The OMW had sought an attorney an filed for custody and support against the OM. The OMW is 5 mos. pregnant and they also have a 2 y/o. She cannot work because of the pregnancy. The OM is living at his hunting cabin, where I come to find out my W has been meeting him for their A. They both have said it is not a sexual thing and they are "very" good friends and they are soul mates. Actually the sex part doesn't disturb me as much as the "soul-mate" part, indicating they are probably meeting each other's #1 EN for each other.<p>I worked nights this week and I have been checking for contact each morning, phones etc. when I get home. Tuesday morning I found a contact from Monday night after I went to work. When I asked my wife about the contact she said she had talked to him for two hours. He was getting served with some type of court papers from his wife and his cabin had caught fire and he had no heat and was moving home with his wife whether she liked it or not. I have not heard anything since and my wife tells me she has not had contact with him. However, my W now wants to consider a seperation again. I assume this indicates she wants to make herself avaialbe to the OM to continue the A. Again these two have become "soul-mates" and for both just a telephone conversation does the trick.<p>I have been working very hard on plan A doing what I can to meet my W EN and looking hard at myself and what I need to do to be the H my W married. We sleep in the same bed, but there is absolutely no intimate or sexual contact, I am encouraged to hold her very tightly (EN). She has essentially divorced me emotionally. I can really feel her pain and she is SO lost. I know she feels like she is dying inside, she misses the OM, she feels bad about seeing the families on Christmas, she feels bad about what this is doing to the kids, she still can't beleive she had an A and on and on. I have been doing my best to eliminate my LB, she did fill out the LBQ for us; but that's it. She feels so much like I am trying to manipulate her and trap her here. My BIGGEST LB to her is that I don't value her opinion, and I have to agree. I have been trying my best to see her side of this A and evaluate her opinion. As you read above, I had 2 A's in our relationship. I cannot justify my behavior and I have gotten on my knees and asked God for forgiveness. I know I have caused my W an extreme amount of pain and damaged her trust. Here is my lateset problem. I really want to work this out and I know it will take her coming to that decision on her own if we are to get the chance. But yesterday I backed myself into a corner and I don't know if I did the right thing. I know I cannot judge her by different values than the ones I have for myself; but I ended my A over a year ago (on my own) and made a decision to stay here and do what it took to be a good husband. That doesn't earn me a medal; but, I realized what I have here. Unfortunately, we did not have the tools to know what we were doing. I find out now, one year ago is when her love for me began to fade. I can certainly understand that. Over the past three weeks, I have realized that my family is the most important thing in the world to me. I also have realized what damage I must have done to my children, when they saw mommy crying and not knowing why. When she announced that she wanted to seperate again, she said the "exploring" her feeling for the OM was not out of the question, she just didn't know how she felt about herself, let alone me or the OM. I thought about it long and hard and my kids just kept coming to my mind. Seeing Daddy leaving and mommy "exploring" with the OM. I tried to explain to my W that I know I will be judged by God for my A's, and I could not judge her for her A, and she would have to talk to God about that on her own, but I could not leave this house and my kids behind to watch her committ adultery. Mine was not right and it hurt her; but it was not witnessed by my children. She became enraged and again said I was trying to manipulate her. I assured her I was willing to work with her to find a solution; so if she needed a seperation to explore this A further she could do so. Again, her decision, not mine.<p>Today, I tried to talk "with" rather "to" her about some solutions for her need for some time to be apart. I asked how she felt about what she was doing. She said she didn't know, she could n't figure anything out right now. I described what I learned about the "fog" on MB and related to her how I felt when my A was over. I know she feels alone, confused, hurt, she doesn't beleive she had an A (no sex/no A for her), and she probably misses the OM. She confirmed I was correct. I told her I know she is not interested in Papers (LB,EN, PH forms) but maybe I know a way out of the fog for her. I reaffirmed it was not my idea; but what had been suggested here and that was to avoid all further contact with the OM. Perhaps in a few weeks, she could get to a place that she could figure out how she feels about herself and then decide if trying to work on our M was even a possibility. I thought I was trying to be loving and caring and consider how she feels. I know she is in emotional hell right now, I really do. I have not blamed her, I have not condemed her, I fully understand how this happen and I am willing to do what it takes to help her get to a safe place in her mind. She simply scowled "I'll do it!" and walked away. Her tone fully indicated she felt she had just been caught in another trap.<p>I'm looking over this and over this. Did I "trap" her? I was willing to talk about other options; but she just snapped and walked away. I will not see her again until tomorrow morning; both working nights tonight; but anything we talk about, kids going to grandma's tonight, need anything from the store, is now a snapped one word answer and an obvious warning to leave her be. Message delivered, message received. Is this just the "fog" talking and she is trying to "blame" me for how she feels. Is she really interested in ending the A? My plan is to continue to meet as many of her EN as she will allow and just give her the time and room she needs to think this through on her own. The kids need emotional support as well during this season and I can be here and do as much as I can for them. It just hurts us all so much to see her going through this and not be able to reach out to her. I feel so helpless. I feel really bad about making the stand I made about a seperation; but our children need one of us that will protect them. My W has no intention of hurting them on purpose; but she doesn't think our seperating will effect them; "You weren't here before, what difference does it make now, they'll be fine." Any help would be appreciated. Thanks! BTW Merry Christmas!<p>[ December 21, 2001: Message edited by: badger203 ]</p>

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: Bunny ]</p>

badger203, *** sorry I will be harsh ***
Yes, you do you mess it up. Do not try to educate you WW, even by quoting from this forum ... IT CAMES FROM YOUR MOUTH. Further you now just push your W to have her own place, convinient for A to continue isn't it ?. Just LISTEN, you just LB. You want to work it out ... perfected your plan A & no LB.<p>[ December 22, 2001: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

I'm pleased to report we finally had a good day today.<p>We both worked nights last night and the kids are at the grandparents. I got home first this morning and woke with her beside me and the phone ringing. Every time the phone rings in this house I panic! It was work (caller ID Confirmed) calling for her if she wanted to work later today. She said "No, I'm working somewhere else" and hung up. I tried to snuggle up and she kinda currled into a ball and made it obvious I wasn't welcome to hold this morning. Being 9:30AM decided to get up and let her sleep in peace. I ran some errands and returned home. I got her up at 2PM and our mission today was to wrap Christmas presents. Last night she stopped at her parents before and that was the first she had spent time with them since them learning of the A. I knew their response would be caring and not threatening; but she was very nervous before going to visit. It was killing me to hear what they had to say; but I didn't want to pry. She has been REALLY cold toward me since the A was discovered. I said "I'm curious about what your parents had to say last night if you'd like to share, if not I understand." I had practiced those words a thousand times and didn't want to seem like I was being overly nosy. After about a 1 minute pause, she replied "They took it better than I thought they would." "They were suprised I would do that." I paniced, last I knew her Mom was pretty hot and now they took IT OK? What did she tell them, she was leaving?, I'm lying and she's not having an A? I didn't know what to think; so, I simply said, "Good, I knew you were worried about how they would react, after all you are their flesh and blood and even if they don't agree, they always seem supportive of their girls." (3 sisters in the family, not favoriting the girls) It was like a flood gate was opened. We really didn't talk much about the A. We talked about a lot of stuff; but more than anything, we really talked. I know I sound like a little kid that just learned how to ride a bike; but, today is the first we have really talked since Dec. 1st and it's the first we had a conversation in about 4 years. During the conversation I told her that I would be willing to find a mutual way that we could seperate that would impact the children very little and give her the room to "sort things out". She said she doesn't want to seperate now! Talk about a roller coaster, yesterday she did.<p>I wish I knew better where she was in her mind. She is holding everything back and I know she is afraid to talk to me because of my LB's. I know there will be more bad days; but, it really felt good to just spend the day with my wife and talk about stuff. I got some love units I desperately needed and she seemed to relax a little. At the end of the day, she was leaving for work again, I asked if we could just hold each other a while, she was ice cold, rigid. I backed off right away and she said she feels guilty about the A and she still can't really beleive she did it. We still have not discussed the A and I don't know if we should. Yesterday she wanted a seperation to explore herself and possibly her feelings for the OM and today she was happy with me there. I know, I still have a lot to learn; but avoiding my LB's and just hanging out with my wife was a REALLY big acomplishment for me today. I got an early Christmas present. Night All!