For the last 2 night, my H had stayed here inbetween meetings w/me and our son. After talking w/h last night, I fell apart. He told me that he may not be willing to give up OW at all. That son and I maybe are not going to get our chance to try. Fell down on my knees, crying and just lost it basically. Just trying to make it through the day. Didn't sleep at all last night. Took about 8 tylenol pm's over the course of the night--nothing, and I mean nothing could stop me from shaking. Just crying and shaking. H is coming over on Sunday to talk to me. I printed off some of the MB principles from this site and H was surprisingly ok to take them with him to read. H said to make an appt. for him to go to our counselor and I did today. My counselor is so worried about me. She said there is not much further emotionally that I can fall now. That if H doesn't take this chance and run with it, that for my sanity and ability to just live, I will have to cease all contact. These next few days will result in my family and its survival hanging in the balance. It's ten days until Christmas, and I may be moving home immediately, b/c I can't take this betrayal, of not only me, but our son, any longer. I am about out of A steam now, friends. I am scared that I had a break of some kind last night. I just fell on the floor crying and shaking and praying to my Heavenly Father for a miracle. H is out at some kind of a party tonight and no call to check on me at all. He just sat there and actually got mad at me for losing it. You do not know what it is like to be down, so down, and see the face of the one you love sit there just frozen when you are reeling in the most horrible pain of your entire life. Everything went fine on Wednesday and even for part of the day on Thursday. We were romantic w/one another and H said he just wanted to see if he could fit in again w/us. Said he felt like an outsider. Now, he says how much he is in love w/OW. I understand the part of withdrawal. H said he had broken it off w/OW this last weekend and that they indeed saw each other--just a few days after we had our dinner and good talk. He lied about that too. Told me he had meetings. <p>Yes, I know I did a major LB, but when H said his thing about loving OW, I just broke down. You just reach a point where you can't take the pain anymore. Today, I feel surprisingly numb. Just a horrid dull ache inside my whole body. Know that the fight is not yet over, but afraid that H will not indeed try like he has indicated even just yesterday that he wanted to. I have made the appt. for H to see counselor on Wed. She has blocked out two hours for him, and I am scheduled to come immediately after at three pm. Counselor will keep in touch w/me during this weekend. I swear, for a few moments yesterday I didn't want to carry on at all. Felt like life was over. My son and my faith is all that is keeping me going now. Know that sounds hopeless, but that is all. Am not sure if I can even cry anymore. <p>Above all, please pray harder than you ever have for me, for H to come back to his family and really want to work for the first time, that OW will be away from my H and that our son is ok. This has hurt son so much. When H came home the first night, I was putting son in his pyjamas and he said "mommy, daddy back now, daddy good.
Those words broke my heart. I told that to my H. I told H before he left this morning, that if we did not try once together, it would make me lose all respect for him as a man. H said that my losing it is not any way for me to make him want to spend a couple of months working on us. But at least he is thinking about doing it. H actually waited until our printer was printing out the last parts of this site concerning how to end an affiar and all the other affair stuff. About 30 pages he took with him. Also, I gave him his Bible. Had it for so many years, in it was a note from his friend about him becoming a Christian. I know now that he is not. Inside the Bible was the letter I left for him on our desk when I left for home the last time. It was the most loving letter I had ever written. he took them. Then came a bit more waffling and I said that if he chose OW over us trying, I would immediatley go forward and move and surgically remove him from my life (plan B followed up w/either legal sep papers or the big D)and I mean that not any contact at all unless he wants us back. That's what it is down to here folks. It is all or nothing. Our family is hanging by a small thread of faith. Please, pray so very hard for my H now. I cannot plead with you enough to just pray for us. I cannot plead with you enough to just pray for us.

Dear not peachy, I wrote to you last weekend and was just checking the post agian. I'm sorry to hear of this latest news - I think you are wise to proceed with plan b if your husband does not make a committment in this next week to work on your marriage. He is not working on it now. One thing that you wrote concerning your son I would like to comment on - as I told you last week I am a social worker and I work in our local mental health with children - I would strongly encourage you not to cut off your son's contact with his father regardless of your pain. That will hurt your son more than anything that this affair has done to him so far!! That is his father and he is a part of your husband and to cut him off from him would be akin to cutting off a part of himself = I hope you heed my advise - I see hundreds of chidren each year that have gone through devastating life ordeals - they are resilient little things and with help he will be fine - but he will not be if you use your pain and resentment as a weapon between him and his father. I'm sure that you have no intention of doing that you sound like a smart lady - but I know you are distraught and when we are in that state we want to lash out for our own protection and self preservation. My prayers are forever with you now and always.

Dear Peach,<p>I am sorry for your pain. No it is not fair and yes you certainly do have my little prayer of support. This prayer is ask for you to be strengthened. Your H can come back only if you allow him to. He must do so with respect. That is an important part of love. <p>I understand you need to prepare for the worst. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. You will get through this peach and hopefully your H will see the OW for what she is and not what he imagined. Your little one was a product of your love together something that ow can never produce or match in any way. <p>Take Care and hugz to you and your son. <p>L.

No call, nothing from H. Renee--thanks for your thoughts and above all, your prayers. Our son is hurting, b/c H lives within 30 minutes and maybe sees him every two weeks. He is not involved that much. Sad reality is that if we D, I will probably want to remarry and that man will see more of my son than my H. H has been selfish and very self-centered and lied about my son's whereabouts and the details of their vacation together. Son does not need to be exposed to H's lack of morality. My son will not be raised to see women as disposable==we are to be respected. <p>Orchid,
Thanks so much. I know in our long talks, that you have felt almost like I do now. That it will come down to one last showdown. That is definitely where I am now. I fear that any love I will have for H will be gone if he chooses his OW over me and our son. And you are right, we are a package deal. When H left, he left me and our son. The daily life, seeing son grow and do little things is what he will never experience if he chooses path other than his family. <p>Please pray for us. I have needed prayers like this never before. Please pray that God break through finally to my H, and as painful as it may be having broken up w/OW, that he stay broken up and work on restoring his marriage and family. It was so sad to hear H say that he felt like an outsider here in our own home. Felt like a stranger. Well, that's what happens when you leave your family. It is a price you pay when you place your needs above those you have loved. Please pray for us. H says he will call tomorrow. Pray that he really does sit down and read the MB principles and take them to heart.

peachy,
I am so sorry to hear this. I thought everything went fine b/c not seeing your post. My prayer always goes for you & your family. However H has a good memory for the past two days and you have to protect yourself. A has to end before your M has any chance to be rebuild.

Hi Peach,<p>How are you doing this morning? <p>L.

Hi peachy,
Just wanted to check in and say I'm praying for strength for you. I feel a bit intrusive seeing that your group has been mostly orchid and redhat - I don't mean to be - I just remember from my own experience the pain and hurt that you are going through and if there was someway to really help you believe that there is another side and light at the end I wish I could think of it - but all I can do right now is tell you there was for me and I was the posterchild for a bad break-up!!! In fact, our situations sound very similar and my reaction to hold onto that marraige with all I had was equally similar - I loved my exH - still do - but I'm okay without him and have grown tremendously in ways that I thank God for everyday that would not have happened if I stayed. We even had similar childhoods - only my mom died when I was 4 and I went to live with my uncle and his MEAN wife who belittled me and tried to crush me spirt - it didn't work - but enough about me - just trying to show you that I feel for your position. I fought and refused to give up for over a year!!! despite his even moving in with the OW during that time - do I regret it - not the fight - but I did fight too long in the face of reality - he had fallen in love with her and whether it was right or moral didn't matter at that point and I had gone from being the love of his life - that's what he use to tell me - and he ment it early on - to being a constant reminder of his wanting to get out and a good love gone bad - Like I said, the only regret I have is for keeping my head buried in the sand for so long - I know this is getting lengthy - but have you ever hear of the Law of Paroxdial Intent? it's a physical law from physics - as real as gravity - it says that the more desperatly your intentions to achieve a CERTIAN goal, the more you sabotage your efforts and push your desired outcomes away. It's followed by the Law of Desire - which says the greater your intent to trust and surrender, the more you'll draw that desire to you - It's hard to do, believe me I know - Anyway, I'm getting too long here - but I'm praying for you for strength and peace - take care

Hi Not Peachy- What part of Ga are you in.. atlanta area? I used to live there for 5+ yrs... with my crazy in laws around... my fil is on his 4th marriage... and my h is in his first affair... like father like son they say. But not my boys either, I have 2, I will do everything I can to teach my boys what their father is doing is wrong.<p>I feel for you, and you are in my prayers now.<p>I have been through a lot of the same... how long has this been going on. I found out sept 15, and H moved out that day... they eventually broke up over a month ago... and now have some contact... just a little , but it is almost like back to square one, when they have had contact.... he , my H, started with the same kind of crap..<p>I can't get her out of my mind... I do not know what is wrong with me... etc. etc. I told him about trying Mb, and he says, what is there I pill I can take to make it all go away... well, I am sure antidepressents would not hurt.<p>Anyway... I am very angry at him... I have been through the crying , shaking, etc.<p>I even assaulted him and his girlfriend, that is what they called it when they called the police... I went to a bar they had taken my 2 boys to see what kind of a place it was, and in they walked... AAAGGHHHHHHH! Anyway... it resulted in my H, who is suppossed to love me 4ever, yea right, at this point, getting a charge of misdemener c, against me, offensive touching... the wh--e dropped her charges... funny that she could be more forgiving than my own husband to the mother of his children...<p>I cannot get over how cruel he has been to me. I am almost to the point of letting it go and building up walls between him and me... still no commitment between us to work on marriage, in fact my H tries to say to counselor and to me, it is not about the affair, it is about problems between us... if things were ok between us, it would not of happened. <p>H is a major a--hole! Sorry, I am just getting mad here.m I am sooo mad at him. ANyway... he is on a major trip that I am violent too, well if he wants to ruin our marriage, so be it. I will remarry too, to someone better, and he will just be out of our lives, he can try and maybe obtain some visitation... but he will be the loser, regardless of what he thinks...<p>I too, after just really 1 month, am thinking of moving to plan b, plan a jhas been working, but I can't take the waffling of his... I just have these feelings for her... after a great time with me and kids, or with me, or even after sf. I am sick over this.<p>I think i may be able to plan a - alittle but not completely.<p>Try hard not to break down, I know it is hard, I did it too. But like the last post sd... just let go and let god... have your space... he will come home with less pressure easier... it is the better way.<p>I stayed away from H last night and he called and called wanting me to come over to his house, and i did not answer the phone.. he must of called 10x, well I did not like all of his comments about caring for ow... <p>I guess it is a natural thing to feel this way... I just did not want to be around him and his slimy ways... until he can offer full committment like you sd,all or nothing baby !<p>I am with you, email me if you like at lisaannsmail@yahoo.com <p>Take care, lisa [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Peach,
How are you doing?<p>L.

Peach--You are showing just how tough you are. Your perserverance and dedication are awesome. I will pray for you and WH--<p>Maybe it's time to take kids, go and get some really good comfort food. Pig out and enjoy it.<p>HANG IN THERE, Peach!!!
Guido