First of all let me say a big thank you to all those who respond to me and give me insight, it is much appreciated.<p>I learned last Feb that my wife had been having an affair for 9 months. As typical it crushed me.
We've been working on it since and she promised that she had cut off the relationship, on one occassion during Sept I discovered an email and a phone call to him.<p>I confronted her and got the typical it was harmless and he called her response. I was very suspicious.<p>During the last 5-6 weeks she has been colder than usual and things have not been so great, so I am suspicious that I am missing something and this feels much like 9 months ago type of attitude.<p>Well through some investigation I learned that during Nov she has called him almost everyday and on some occassions several times a day. I suspect the obvious. I have still yet to know about Dec, but I guess it really doesn't matter.<p>I am not sure how to address this now. I do not have concrete evidence she is fooling around, but whatelse at this point am I to consider. I think it's time to recognize it's over and confront it. Maybe I'll wait till after christmas to avoid that pain.<p>How do you all experienced folks recommend I deal with this situation and confront her?<p>Karl

Karl,<p>I am big on plan A as your foundation to build happy M. I do not see on your prior posting that you are working on plan A at all. My WW had EA 5 1/2 y ago and remosefull and cut off the ties but my WW still searching and falls again to OM. I do not know MB back then, neither on D-day.<p>This is my 2¢ on you current issue. Keep the information to yourself, play dumb !!!!. (I did it for about a month to see how deep of [censored] I am in. Back then I didn't know plan A and I could not take it and confront them - a big mistake)Keep snooping and use it to track your progress. There is nothing you could do to stop the A now, nada. She might denied or play Venusian to get away from it. She might become ruthless and say mean thing to you or even moved out. You are looking at the impact not the problem. You have not fix the problem in the past 9 months. You have to plan A'ng you life out. Do not missunderstood me, I am BS too and I am not giving any excuse to A. It is a selfish act. However if you want to save your M, plan A now. Make a list of what your W complaints about you and M back even before your first D-day ? to the current one. Separate facts (issues) from excuse (justification of A). Those are your plan A, work on it, no LB.<p>Good Luck.

One of the key issues I left out about this situation is that she works away 5 days a week and is home only on weekends. He is in that city and obviously I required that she drop contact with him and I would trust her.<p>As a result of this distance our Plan A has been hard, but overall I felt we were making huge progress. The thing is I worry that for the most part she has just learned to have her cake and eat it too while growing more deceptive. <p>She's in a hard spot, but due to financial matters she cannot quit right now and so here we are.<p>My thing is that while we Plan A she has to drop him, or else too much is being asked of me to be ok with her being alone in the other city and communicate with him. Plus, there's no real way of me knowing.<p>I suppose the net net for me is that the best thing for us maybe true Plan B to get our bearings and her realize she can't have it all ways.<p>Depending on what we determine from those feelings may dictate the future.<p>All I know is it's not right to go on knowing this and accepting it as ok, it's just not. You're either in the game to try or not. IMHO<p>So, I plan on giving it all a lot more thought.. but this is where i am today.<p>K

STOP AND LEARN PLAN A PROPERLY.<p>good luck

Karl - I'm sorry to hear that. I haven't looked at your older posts, but really, you're the only one who can truly evaluate how good your plan A has been. Love-busters can undo a lot of good, but otherwise, you can't judge it by her reactions. Have you made positive changes in yourself? Has she indicated at all that she noticed?<p>If you've truly had enough, then it might be time to stop plan A before you ruin it all. Disclosing the fruits of your snooping can do that. Keeping it all to yourself can be a major energy drain. So you have to evaluate and plan carefully. Once you start plan B, there is no more foundation-building in plan A. But don't just "stick it out" until your feelings for her have totally gone.<p>If you feel that established and agreed-upon boundaries have been crossed by her during plan A, and you feel like a doormat, then it's probably time for plan B. Nine months is long enough for her to have "come back", if she was going to.<p>Good Luck,<p>Tom