I was married to my first wife for 22 years and had an affair with her best friend. We both got divorced and continued our affair for 3 years. Then 3 years ago she moved here from another state and moved in with me. A year and a half ago I asked her to marry me and she said yes. We had a major fight last Christmas and I went and stayed in amotel over the holidays. Her father died in January and I have lost 2 jobs and in the process of loosing my home. I caught her having an online affair with her high school boyfriend 2 months ago. I realized I am the problem for not meeting her needs. She still chose to move out into a friends house 1 1/2 months ago. I have been trying to meet her needs and am making progress I think We were out Friday and she confessed her online friend had spent 3 days here last week and she has also dated once or twice. She seems very conflicted about what to do. So far I have not demanded her not talk to him as in Plan A. Have set a date for action to have her quit with him or go to plan b. My question is since We are not married and she has broken off the engagement do I proceed the same way I love her dearly and want to meet her needs. What do you think<p>[ December 18, 2001: Message edited by: 1021John ]</p>

I don't really know what to say. There is another part of this site, suggesting it does not help to live together before marriage, because you don't get real practice in keeping a commitment and having to work things out. Your relationship did not even start in realistic and honest circumstances.<p>But, in the here and now, you would have to show her how good a person you could be. I would not set deadlines, or be pushy with her, or be demanding. Instead put the other parts of your life in order, like the job and home. It's like a plan A. At the same time, you need to be sure that you actually believe in marriage, and that she does. This may not be the case.<p>There are other parts of this site about meeting emotional needs, and avoiding love-busters, that apply to any relationship. I don't think plan A and B directly apply in your case.

Thanks tmmm, I do believe in marriage and would have married her at any time she is the one afraid to commit she has already had 2 failed marriages. I think my situation would be better understood if we related it to her and i now being divorced. She is still talking to the guy on the internet and the phone he is married and and has kids alos. our kids are all grown and out of the house. So after you get divorced from someone can you still go to plan b or get them to stop the affair otherwise plan a doesn't work. in this case i am doing those things you mentioned and feel i am making progress