I have posted twice with specific questions but now that I am going into my second week since D-day I would like some insight. So here it goes with my circumstance. I have been married 10 years and have 3 children 7, 4, and 8 months. Both I and W have full time jobs where mine requires travel. On 12/12 I had D-day which included her confession of A. After that I discovered MB and have been instituting plan A. <p>This confused her. She told me she expected me to walk out because she believed I did not love her that much to stay. After discovering what an emotional need was, I guessed hers and have been supportive, attentive, responsive,(SAR) and better with the kids. Of course the thought of losing them always makes me hold them a little tighter. With the holidays came days off from work that allowed us to talk. It also gave me time to find a MC and we had our first session. It wasn't much really, I filled out some forms, explained our situation and then we agreed that I should leave to give them time to talk. W says that she cant say all the things she needs to with me sitting there. <p>Following was 3 days of family packed fun with both her and my family. Only a couple of our closest family members knew about our troubles so we put on a hell of an act for the rest. All the while I am trying to be SAR. I am getting good vibes here and there, I even saw her sneaking a peak at the binder I put together with all the basic concepts. Now we are done with the family and we finally have another chance to talk.<p>She explains how lost she is and needs time away from me. She says she told the OM the same thing. She does not know what she wants, and she believes the only way to figure it out is to have space. And until she does figure that out she does not want anyting to do with MB's. So she wants me to quit being so SAR to her. Apparently I hit the "annoying behavior" LB. I dont think it was a lot but it was so much more than I ever gave before that she says she doesn't know who I am. <p>So this is what I know. To continue on like we did this weekend is unacceptable to her, it is fake and she cant handle that. She repeatedly explains how she feels "lost" and needs space to figure out what she wants. She admitted to having an A. She just stopped breast feeding our 8 month old one month ago (homonal effects?). She lost her mom when she was 18 and doesn't have anyone like that to turn to. She wants me to back off on the SAR(which would be like I was before all this). She wants me to leave but be there for the kids. I think in her mind she believes we cant gradually work this out, that she needs some major life changing event to take place. Gradually working it out would be continuing on with the "fake".<p>Do we need help or what. My question is, "Is this stretching the limits of what a marriage counselor does?" My W definitely has some issues that I can not help her with. In fact any attempt by me seems to be a LB for her. For now we will continue to see our MC seperately, is that healthy? I have to admit that all this makes the A seem secondary, it hurts me to see her so sad and not be able to do anything about it. That is it in a nutshell.<p>I want to say that I read almost all of the posts because all of the stories have a common thread and they have helped me maintain a sense of sanity during all of this. Hopefully one day I can give some perspective to someone that just had their whole world turned inside out by an unhappy W or H.<p>In the meantime I dont know what the hell I am supposed to do.<p>Jeff

jeff4415,
Get MC that practice MB otherwise they might do more harm. The idea of "space" sounds to me from MC, they usually try to protect W rather than protect M and in the process they do more damage. Also you might do a very effective plan A [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ... the confusion is what you want. Now she try to push you away ... why ?. Both of you are in the 'coaster so either you stop it by plan B or she stop it. By pushing you away she thinks it will lessen the confusion. Don't fall for it. (not to mention the worst, she is in the fog and continue w/ OM). Learn how to talk fogese ... tell her that you can not help it, you have learned this is the way M suppose to be, loving and caring M, a fulfilling M. You will not give it up for nothing. - say anything to get away with it, even it sound oxymoron to normal human being. Most WS tried to push out BS's plan A ... they will say please don't but inside they say don't stop doing it. She is testing you. The benefit of SAR outnumbered the impact of annoying behavior.<p>If she wants you leave the house ... don't do it, even it is LB. You could tell her that you live there too. (I picked that one from fogese talk of my WW when she tried to move back in). If she could not help it she could leave or work on some arrangement, tell her so that your kids won't suspect it. It is not LB if you explain it with fact and/or fogese, this is a boundry that you should draw. Even in plan A, you can not avoid LB. The LB that you should avoid at all cost is a LB that become a habit. LB to draw boundry is fine, tough luck - you put up w/ her A what could be worst than that. Plan A is not a blank check(s) w/o expiration date. You have to see which one benfit more ... LB or not to LB that is the Q [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] , only you could decide.<p>Jeff, you might need MC from MB. I am not a "do it yourself type" in relationship, otherwise I am not ending up here, I have Steve to coach me. You seem also the same. Schedule session w/ Steve or Jannifer first thing in the morning.<p>Good luck

OK. You mentioned...<p>Also you might do a very effective plan A ... the confusion is what you want. <p>What is an effective plan A as opposed to what I am doing?<p>I am going to take your advice and not stop, I am just going to get creative in how I do it. A little more subtle perhaps and your right about me leaving. It would take a lot of coordination to pull that off and we are not that organized, not yet anyway.<p>About the MC, you said<p>"Jeff, you might need MC from MB. I am not a "do it yourself type" in relationship, otherwise I am not ending up here, I have Steve to coach me. You seem also the same. Schedule session w/ Steve or Jannifer first thing in the morning."<p>I agree but how do I do that, I am not sure were they are, I am in the Detroit area. Can I ask my MC to follow the aspects of MB. Maybe there are MC's in my area that already follow it. It would be good to atleast talk to Steve or Jennifer if you know how I can do that I would be appreciative.<p>Jeff

jeff4415,
I don't know your detail,depend on individual, but the effect should be causing WS to notice that you have change and address all of WS's issues. Of course no LB is a requirement. The impact is drastic, you shake WS's beleive ... usually the excuse of A is WS is giving up on BS. You have to be patience, time, and consistence (PTC). Once WS beleive that those changes are becoming habit you are ripe to either do plan B or usually WS is willing to work on M and ending A.<p>To call Steve or Jennifer click here. You need to schedule it. You could ask your MC like you say or call around and ask others MC.<p>Happy Holiday ...<p>[ December 26, 2001: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

I think Redhat is pretty right.<p>My wife left a note which stated that I would never change. Once she did contact me in the letter she sent she reaffirmed that she thought I would never change. <p>Now she states that she feels that the changes are permanent and not just an act and she admits to being totally confused. If she had felt that I was the same person then she would never consider coming home.<p>So staying in the home is, IMO, essential. If she wants to move than that is her choice. Put as little pressure on her as possible. Don't talk about A unless she brings it up. Listen, Listen, Listen and talk, talk , talk. Just not at the same time. <p>Your staying and reaffirming your love for her is what has caused most of the confusion. Showing her that you love her despite the A revalidates that love that you have for her. Keep revalidating that. <p>Good luck

Thanks for the advice "redhat" and "getting very tired" it is helpful because it gives me direction, and that direction is forward. Without it I would be as lost as her. <p>How can I promote the talking. The advice is to talk, talk, talk, and listen, listen, listen. After those first few days when she was admitting everything we talked a lot. Since then we have had the time but she is not as willing to talk. In fact I think she is avoiding it, and to an extent me. I guess its her attempt at getting that "space" she needs. I suspect she was with OM yesterday, she was gone all day "shopping".<p>I believe the more we can talk the better so any help in that regard would be appreciated.<p>Jeff