I posted this ealier in the wrong area. Perhaps here is more appropriate.<p>What I need is some encouragement on hanging in there and not pushing. I plan A like crazy but when I see positive signs from WS, I push to move on to next step (POJA, etc) and he slams the door shut in my face and I begin to LB. He says he must still be in withdrawal (yes, he read HNHN). He says he can't get OW out of his mind (6 wks now).<p>A quick background. Married 11 yrs, together 13. WS on business trip, met OW, came home and told me he was unhappy, never wanted to be married or have children. I asked if there was someone else, he said no and told me he was proud he never cheated. Agreed to counseling, I found MB, read HSHN, started EN with WS, things appeared to get better. Next business trip (10 wks after 1st trip), WS came home and admitted to cheating on me. Lead me to believe it was a one night stand. Found card one week later from OW (with a picture). Truth was WS (36) met OW (21) on first trip, continued telephone contact until he flew her to meet him on second trip. I left with daughter. WS found me and begged me to return. WS broke off contact with OW same day by telephone call. He spoke with her once since then (6 wks ago)when she called to say she would step aside and not call him again.<p>I just think it would hurt less and be easier to leave. Why put myself through this agony? Is he worth it? Then I start to feel guilty for wanting to run. I am so hot and cold. Please advise me on things that have worked for you. I have read Surviving an Affair and visit this site daily. I never would have made it this far without MB and this site. I know it takes a long time. I need to find the patience. Any words of wisdom are welcomed.

Twinkles--You have to decide if he is important enough to YOU to make the decision. Those of us here in Plan A or even plan B obviously, without a doubt believe our WS's are important enough to us to endure the pain the A's have caused.<p>If you are having doubts, take this time to do a little self analysis. If you are just wanting to avoid the pain and recovery process that the A's cause, don't. It will probably be the most painful thing you experience emotionally.<p>If your WS means anything to you, take heed and get back to Plan A, without LB. You said he's been "without contact" for 6 weeks. What proof, other than his word (which you'll find from reading threads that they will LIE, LIE, LIE )do you have that the A is over. Either the A is still on without your knowlege and he is getting his cake and eating it too, or he is still in withdrawal.<p>If the A is over, it's very possible he is not emotionally over it (like we are gonna be sympathetic [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] ) and still needs some more time to heal.<p>Let us know how things are going, what questions you have etc. There are some GREAT people here on this board with a lot of good experience and thoughts.<p>Guido

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Twinkles:
<strong>WS, I push to move on to next step (POJA, etc) and he slams the door shut in my face and I begin to LB.</strong><hr></blockquote>
What exactly do you mean by next step ?, detail please. How he slammed the door ?.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>What I need is some encouragement on hanging in there and not pushing. I plan A like crazy but when I see positive signs from He says he must still be in withdrawal (yes, he read HNHN). He says he can't get OW out of his mind (6 wks now).</strong><hr></blockquote>
That is exacly you want to work on 4 rules of recovery or (gifts of loves). Even in withdrawal WS must willing to work on some stuff. With care, time, protections and honesty, it will restore the feeling. UNLESS A IS STILL GOING ON.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I just think it would hurt less and be easier to leave. Why put myself through this agony? Is he worth it? Then I start to feel guilty for wanting to run. I am so hot and cold. Please advise me on things that have worked for you. I have read Surviving an Affair and visit this site daily. I never would have made it this far without MB and this site. I know it takes a long time. I need to find the patience. Any words of wisdom are welcomed.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Yes, it will hurt less now if you gave up it will hurt more in the long run. Not to mention about your D. You let H know how you feel and tell him that this recovery is for both. It is not LB, just state the fact and no demand. Let him know that you feel that M is going nowhere and you wonder if this is worth the pain. Listen to what he has to say.

guidobalata - <p>In my heart I know he is worth all this, I suppose I am afraid I will be hurt again. I am sure the "running" attraction is self protection. That and everyone I know tells me to leave.<p>I have no proof the A is over. Only the knowledge OW is many states away. How does he prove it to me? Or rather, how do I believe?<p>redhat
Well, by next step I guess I mean protection, honesty, care and time. The last time I brought up the policy of joint agreement, H said he can't seem to get motivated to try. H said he comes home every night on time and that is all he can do right now.

Twinkles,
I think you have to stick to plan A until H willing to work on M. Sorry, I know it is hard. You should get at least H to fill in LBQ & ENQ !. Then review your plan A.<p>I have no proof the A is over. Only the knowledge OW is many states away. How does he prove it to me? Or rather, how do I believe?
When you work on honesy & protection you ask him "how" but that is later down the road.<p>Well, by next step I guess I mean protection, honesty, care and time. The last time I brought up the policy of joint agreement, H said he can't seem to get motivated to try. H said he comes home every night on time and that is all he can do right now.
I doubt H will try. Don't get discourage, plan A'ng and try to fill in H's EN(s) as much as you can. With time A will ease out ... out of sight out of mind.

Redhat -<p>Thanks. I do know WS's EN & LB. I guess I just need a kick in the pants. Maybe it was all the stress of the holidays. I feel so tired sometimes and yes, it is discouraging when I think I am the only one trying. <p>Time to regroup. Plan A - here I come again.

T, listen to Redhat, he's got a good head on his shoulders.<p>I know what you are going through, and there is hope, Plan A is hard, I have felt like giving up too, But don't, If your M is what you want, and you believe strongly enough it can be saved, then by all means Continue on plan A.<p>I am by no means an expert, but I have been there, and I know how it feels, The others on the boards will help you and give you advice. Check out Orchid, Redhat, Rev, Indy, Husband2You, WAT, Stillhers and many others. These are just some of the guys out there who have helped many. The girls are even more - Zorweb, Cali, Bramble Rose, Cheryl, Lor, LostVA, Perservering, buffy, sing, resilient and many many more. So as you see you are not alone in this.<p>Thanks to Orchid for all those names, I could never remember all of them off the top of my head.<p>I wish you luck...<p>[ January 04, 2002: Message edited by: Torizo ]</p>

Twinkles,<p>You must have trust and faith in God, not your husband. Pray daily and let God restore your husband and marriage. I have gone through something similar, and did what you did-fled! But that is just a temporary solution. You must face your fears and the only way to win your husband back is with God's help.<p>There is a website, resotrem.org that I went to and it changed my life and gave me the hope I needed to return back to my husband.<p>Surround yourself only with those who support your marriage.

Amen to that Sebrea.<p>Trust in god....

Sebrea & Torizo,<p>Your suggestion is well timed. <p>I have been thinking about God alot lately. Since this started I have only prayed once (for guidence on whether to stay or go). I do not feel I have lost faith in God. I need to trust. I hear you...and Him. <p>Thanks. I will look at the link.<p>Also, I wanted to pass on a quote my daughter gave me. She found it in a book she is reading, wrote it down and gave it to me...she's 10. <p>"You could be as good as you knew how to be, and sometimes bad things still happened. But you couldn't let it beat you down. You had to keep going. You had to have hope."<p>Kids are amazing. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ January 07, 2002: Message edited by: Twinkles ]</p>

Hang in there Twinkles! Somethings that helped me keep going were to look through some of our old pictures and old Love letters. Minuses are that they make you feel sad about what you dont have right now. Pluses are that they make you remember what you are fighting for.<p>Good luck! God bless.<p>Faith does help too. I was raise catholic and dont think I truely understood or appreciated faith until this happened. I wont say Im a extremely religious person but prayer and faith can help you when you are down.