I have been trying to follow Plan A and am generally happy with the results. I feel like its a good way to "fight" for my WH without getting hostile. He swears there is nobody else now, and that the A I found out about which occurred 7 months ago was not a long term thing. (She is another State across the country). I believe him. The problem is - I still have this feeling I don't trust him. He lies to me about everything. One of things I like about these discussion boards is that it gives me permission to love him in spite of what can perceived by others as his shortcomings. He has an apartment, but doesn't stay there much. He says he he isn't passionate about me any more, but that he does care about me. He does not want to file for divorce yet but is trying to "make up his mind". However, he won't commit to working on the marriage either. I sort of get the feeling that he is waiting for another opportunity of some kind but that he really doesn't want to be married to me. Call it intuition.... Anyway, I have been trying very hard to make our home a safe and comfortable place for him. He says we have been doing more talking in the last few weeks than we have in the last few years. He always says that he will give me "his decision", then avoids that conversation though. On one hand that gives me hope. On the other...well...there's that intuition again. Its starting to EAT me alive. The pain is very bad. Today I found an email on his computer addressed to a woman I don't know. It was a romantic lust/love sonnet from Shakespeare. It also wished this person a happy birthday. Now, it doesn't look like he sent it, but it was in his trash file. He did write it though. It was addressed to one of those online email accounts, it could be to his past A, or worse, someone else I don't know about. I'm about ready to explode with emotion. Should I ask him about it? Would that be an LB? Or????? Also, I told him that I wanted to stay married and work on our marriage. That I would not file for divorce, if he wanted one he could file. However, I don't trust him so I thought it would still be a good idea to seek the advice of an attorney on what I should do while we are separated. We have several joint accounts, credit lines, house, 4 year old with disabilities. I mentioned to him this morning that maybe it would be a good idea for me to talk to an attorney to make sure we had appropriate documentation/rights for custody of our son during this time, (or anything else we might want to be thinking about). He became very upset and said that he didn't think it was necessary to pay an attorney for something we can decide together. On the other hand...I don't trust him. Especially after finding this romantic email. My survival instinct is screaming "get out, get this done with, hurry, hurry"! But, I don't want to make my husband angry, or alienate him. Should I ask him about the email? Should I go ahead and seek legal counsel without his consent?

WillingToTry,
When WS doesn't want to work on M, you assume the worst and 99% is true, there are contact.<p>First, snooping is not for confronting your H. It is only to see how deep is the fog. About the mail you could see the timestamp for the date sent/receive. You could aks him w/o judgement but ask him. "Honey, I found this what happens ?", be nice in tone and voice and let him explain it.<p>Second, do see attorney, not to hire for Dv but to consult, pay cash. You need to protect yourself. Steve Harley told me to go ahead too in my case of child custody and keep the info for myself.<p>Third, you are happy with your plan A, is he ?. Does he acknowledge your changes ?, which changes that is lacking of you ?.

Dear Redhat:
I made the appointment with the attorney for Monday. This is the last thing I want to be doing, but I will. I am a smart woman and need to look after things because nobody else will. I read your profile - thanks for the link. It gave me hope. I hope to have my HNHN and Surviving the Affair books in the mail today. Looking forward to getting them. Regarding my changes - yes my husband did comment that he noticed changes about me, and was surprised because he didn't think things could change. Unfortunately, I come from a previously physically abusive relationship, and am having difficulty simply not running away. Not that this is physically abusive, but, it still is difficult. I also read your link to the "Misapplication of Plan A" and I think that is also helpful. I pray for the strength to carry on each moment, to be taken out of "self", and to do what is right to do. Sometimes that's not always clear to me. You know, sometimes I even fear that my husband will come up to me and say "Yes, let's work on our marriage". I guess I have a lot of sorting out to do. Thanks for the support.