My H and I have been married for 9 years, I just found out that he has been having an affair for the past year. I packed up and moved across country to be near family, he is still seeing her in the other state. He says he will move to where I am after the summer when he can transfer from his work. The problem with that is she has family here also, and plans to follow him.
Ive talked to him about working things out, but he just continually lies to me- He says he isnt seeing her when he is. He tells me he loves me and he is sorry that this happened but he just doesnt know what he wants right now. He says he is confused and needs time to sort things out, but he certainly isnt taking any time from her.
We have no children, which is his biggest emotional concern. This woman he is having an affair with has a child who is 2 1/2. The childs biological father passed away, and my husband feels that it may be an oppurtunity for him to be a dad. I can not possibly compete with this! My husbands low sperm count is the reason we dont have children. When we have discussed adoption, he said he didnt want to raise another man's child, so I dont understand his obsession.
I love my husband with all my heart. I trusted him completely. If someone said to me that he was doing something, I didnt beleive it. His affair came as the most horrible shock of my life. I dont even know where to begin to fix this mess.
PLEASE HELP!!! [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi,
Welcome to Marriage Builders. 1st, read the basic concepts at the top of this page. In it is the emotional needs questionnaire. Get ahold of 2 books, his needs/her needs and surviving an affair. <p>You H said something positive, him not wanting to raise another's child. That is what the OWs child is. Hm.... <p>Your H is confusion could be due to guilt and betrayal. He will need to work some of that out. Don't feel sorry for the OW but don't berate her either. Your H is a WS and will probably defend her more than you right now. <p>Read as much as you can here. Vent here when you need. Learn to strengthen yourself and build your support group. <p>Let us know what you think about what you have read and how you are doing. <p>L.

How do I know if I am the one he is getting over? I am several states away and she is right there. I cant help but worry that he will forget me and become more attached to her. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

dmts1017,
Nothing you could do to persue H while A is in full force, the more you push the further away H will be. Read plan A, EN(s), LB & LB$. Also read on misapplication of plan A by distress.<p>Wait and wait until A is ended or your LB$ is in red. Meanwhile check your issue(s) in M. I assume that A is known to freinds and family already.

Redhat,
Ive found the information for plan A & B, but where do I find the information for LB & LB$?<p>As far as family, yes- both my family and H family are aware of the situation, and neither side of the family is happy about it. He has only talked with his brother about it, and his brother filled me in and is disapointed in him to say the least. He is kept contact with him mostly for me. H knows that his family and mine are aware, and wasnt happy when he found out that they knew. I beleive his original plan was to divorce me and then introduce her into the family as having just met her. He didnt take into consideration at the time that 2 of his sister-in- laws are 2 of my best friends. I talk to them- they talk to the husbands (his brothers) and everyone knows everything.
As far as friends, his friends knew all along. The frusterating thing with that is that they not only covered for him, but played me like they had no clue- to see what I knew for him. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>How do I know if things are in the red with them? Even those who I thought were my friends have turned against me. He is currently in Iowa, and I am in GA. I recently called a friend in IA- who is the husband to a friend of his. I thought that I could trust her because she gave me information about A. It turned out that she went to my husband and told him the entire conversation. It may have been the wrong thing to do, but it made me so mad that I called her back and told her that I hired a private investigator to follow him- I knew she would tell him. He called later wanting to know who was following him... I couldnt stop laughing long enough to tell him it was a joke. He hung up. I called him back and explained. <p>As of right now, I talk to him on the phone and we seem to be able to talk without arguing. I guess that is a plus- but I know she is still there. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Everytime I talk to him he tells me that he loves me and misses me, but still just doesnt know what he wants. He told his brother that he is keeping me around in case things dont work out with her. Im not sure how to take that. Part of me thinks, "Good, I hope it dont work out" and the other part of me thinks "I shouldnt be second choice, Im here now - but may not still be later." <p>I love H with all that I am. I just cant seem to allow myself to let go. I made a promise not just to him but to God. I dont feel that I able to break that. Not to H, but to myself I call her Satan. After all, Satan comes to steal kill and destroy and that is what she doing to our marriage. <p>What do I do while I am waiting for him to get tired of her? How do I know when that is, when he refuses to admit he is seeing her?

dmts1017,
LB or Love Buster and LB$ or love bank is on General welcome link on my signature.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>As far as friends, his friends knew all along. The frusterating thing with that is that they not only covered for him, but played me like they had no clue- to see what I knew for him. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote>
You know you have to ask him to stay away from it when the recovery come. Bad influence. Avoid contact contact w/ them.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>...He called later wanting to know who was following him... I couldnt stop laughing long enough to tell him it was a joke. He hung up. I called him back and explained.</strong><hr></blockquote>
That is an LB'ed.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>He told his brother that he is keeping me around in case things dont work out with her. Im not sure how to take that. Part of me thinks, "Good, I hope it dont work out" and the other part of me thinks "I shouldnt be second choice, Im here now - but may not still be later."</strong><hr></blockquote>
Keep your chin up girl !!!, If H is back it means you are the better choice soooo you will have to tell him to follow the SAA's recovery guide and make sure he agreed with your condition to build trust. I agree 100% with you. You plan A'ng and being a doormat for temporary measure to give you time to "fix" the issue(s) in M about you and let the A dies naturally.<p>It is also your H selfishness and weakness that he choose to have an A. WO is also at fault too. It takes two to destory M and it take two to have A.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>What do I do while I am waiting for him to get tired of her? How do I know when that is, when he refuses to admit he is seeing her?</strong><hr></blockquote>
Go shopping for new clothes, not revealing but change you look !!!!. Go to the gymn to shape up those buns and abs [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] . Go to salon to change your look & get your nail done like never before. Go to spa to help you relax .... Just let H know (hear) that you are enjoying your life too. Get busy, take some courses or job (if you are not working). Go out like you Dv or single but not looking and guard that weakness. Tell H that you are going to wait until he makes decision but no gurantee he will find you [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . Pain is given but misery is optional ... taken from one of MB'er sig.

Redhat,
I just want to thank you for your advice. It is good to know that its not just me-- I feel like Im going insane sometimes. I have good days and bad and roller coasters in between. Thanks for your support, it means a lot.
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