(see below for summary of my lovely life) I am trying to decide whether I need to go to Plan B. While my son was home for the holidays, WS was here each day. He told our kids and alluded to me that he is working on getting back with me. He hugged and kissed me each time he left and was overly kind and caring. Well, my sons departure back to Japan and the absence of WS has now triggered in me fresh pain and hurt with depression and confusion. There is no sign of WS and any reconcilation discussions. I feel like I am back 4 months ago when I could not let go, obsessing and crying alot. I had moved way past some of these feelings but I think the sense of family and togetherness over the holidays had created false hope in me.
Yesterday was our 33rd Anniversay and I e-mailed WS these words:<p>
quote:
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It is truly sad what has happened to our marriage and us. I think it is one of the saddest things I have ever been a part of---I thought last January 11th was hard but how was I to know that this year would be harder.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<p>WS e-mailed me back using OW e-mail address (I think by mistake) and it took me a minute to process the whole thing and who it was from. It was confusing and it cut like a knife. Our Anniv was hard enough but that threw me for a loop. Can you image spending your 33rd Anniv with another women and sending a e-mail with her name on it to your wife. What a Happy Aniv greeting that was. It is like I am watching the A again just like before he left.<p>This may have been my fault, though. Maybe I should not have e-mailed him and maybe I should just keep my distance but he seems to go a couple of weeks and then needs his wife "fix" and appease his guilt with helping me and chit chatting. <p>I have to heal and norish myself and I cannot move to a healthy spot with all this false hope, his tucking me back and forth. I want to do Plan B and I have the letter half written but I fear possible financial consequences. We have a hand written agreement signed by us both listing the bills we will pay and I am doing fine financial right now. He is not....stuggling from paycheck to paycheck. I fear he will pull back his support but yet he would loose everything, too, if the mortgage was not paid. Not sure he could let that happen. <p>My friend also said that if I do this, I should remove things from my home that he may be able to destroy or use to hurt me. He may lash out at me in anger cause I am taking a stand and pulling something he needs away. I do not beleive he will do this cause he is docile and unaggressive as a goldfish. <p>My other thought is that OW is playing the I-will-not-pressure-you game cause she knows he can't decide between the two of us. I would free him to make a decision and provide opportunity for her to start the pressure stuff and then we could all get on with our lives maybe. <p>I do want a decision about our M----even though I am so SCARED. I know divorce is just another set of problems and it is devastating so I wish I could get to the place of accepting living single as a married women with no prospect of sharing my life with anyone. BUT I long to be married. I love it and love the sharing and caring that a marriage provides. Here I sit, the one wanting to be married, with no ability to share my life with a Spouse....on the other hand WS, who never wanted to be married, is sharing his life with his bimbo.<p>One thing I struggle with in the Plan B letter is the BS expressing the fact that they will be here for them when WS decides to end all contact with OW. That to me seems like I am saying "Go ahead, honey, and have your fling, have fun and when you are done, I will be here with open arms no question asked" I have to think about a way to word my openness to saving our marriages but not that I will wait forever. <p>Oh well----any thoughts and insights will add my thinking.<p>TW
