I have realized for a while now that I am going to have to plan B, and I thought I could wait until I finished a 6-month plan A, but I am now to the point where even the thought of being around him is making me sick to my stomach. I've been working in every room in the house to avoid being anywhere near him for fear I will either erupt in totally futile LBs or have to run for the bathroom to throw up.<p>The children's bedtime is approaching, and I am starting to panic because he will expect us to spend time alone, including sex. Up to last night I was able to do that, but I think all of his LBs have piled up on me so high now that I don't seem to be able to overcome my aversion to him today.<p>It is not even the A anymore that is the problem. It is the M-long disrespect and devaluing of me as a human being and the massive amount of it that he has further heaped on me since D-day. I don't even care about LBing him anymore--I just avoid talking about the M because of the absolute waste of time and energy it is and has been for more than 10 years.<p>I really wanted to take my time and do the things I need to do to prepare to leave the M before I went to plan B, but now I can't imagine living this way another 2 months. Do you think this will pass so I can act normal long enough to get done what I need to get done before I get out? I'm having this overwhelming feeling to just go and tell him how I truly feel and that I want to separate to see if he will leave so I won't have to, but I came here instead, and I'm going to try to hang on for at least a few more days to see if this aversion thing eases up at all.

dear C<p>you sound like me. i assume that the fact that you started a plan A is due to at least an initial desire to work it out and get past A.<p>i am feeling the same as you. i find myself doing things like smiling in his face and mumbling insults to myself silently, making faces, rolling my eyes whenever I hear something that sounds like another lie. I know that there is an EA with him and the OW however, I have no proof or admission of a physical affair. The EA almost seems worse because in IMO that's more threatening and hurtful especially as there is no indication that the phonecalls will end, see my post before yours re sex w/WS.<p>Plan B holds no guarantee of ending the A and turning things around and it seems from what I've read that its best chance for good results is if the last thing the WS remembers before the enactment of Plan B is a good, safe environment that he could miss while you are separated. the other purpose of plan B is to preserve what love you still have.<p>Feeling ill and being disgusted are perfectly normal reactions to the lies and betrayal suffered by us BS's because of the actions of WS's. <p>I hate this part. Plan A is not for wimps. If you can think of any redeeming qualities, the things you did love about him I suggest you try to keep them in the back of your mind to help through the rough spot. I actually am feeling quite sick at this moment because mine is not home yet and I don't want to LB by calling him, but i feel like: "how dare you"<p>But try to hang in there. Here's my theory on why. I think Plan B is also to make the statement that "I have shown you there were things I could be better between us, sposuse, even more than either of us know. I've also shown you another, better, stronger, side of myself. If you want to see where the changes can take us in our relationship, Honey--YOU MUST STOP your affair--until that, I'm outta here." So the personal gain for us BS's is that possibly the WS is startled by our changes, curious/intrigued by the new us and now making a comparison between the new OP and us whereas before, we weren't even being compared, we were't even in the running because that dispicable OP was considered "all that." At least now you're in the running. But only if the Plan B comes across as a non confrontational standing up for yourself which to many people is a big turn on which could equate to a Love Unit.<p>You two were togethr for some years (children, etc) and you just learned of the A in past few months so obviously, you were meeting some EN.<p>Consider this too, if you go to Plan B abruptly, you will probably end up panicking and allowing communications and even meetings with him during the Plan B which will lose you ground. Trust me about that one. In my first M (I knew nothing about this Plan A/B) we separated for reason of we cant get along and didn't want to fight in front of our kids anymore--there were a few flirtations on his part and I didnt trust him but I didnt confirm any actual A's. While he was out of the house I let him come and go as he pleased because I acted too hasty and didn't have a Plan. I found out he was having an A for real and I flipped and wrote a Plan B letter (unknowingly) and I moved to Atlanta with our kids for a year. I allowed him to visit our kids in my home in Atlanta, I communicated with him by phone one occasion it hurt me even more and why should he leave the OP if he can have us both? I believe I did myself a diservice. Do not Plan B until you are sure you can stick to it. You'll get more mileage out of it.<p>I just hate the feeling of playing games. At times plan A feels like you're playing a game and not being honest about how you're really feeling about the whole situation. <p>But it is a psychology and our WS are somewhat PSYCHO (LOL) wouldn't you agree. <p>Try to hold on for a bit longer. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>twicearound

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: Bunny ]</p>

Conq--I've gotta say this: Go with your gut feeling. I spent about 2 hours tonight in the garage reflecting on all the BS I've put up with in the last two years and have come to the conclusion that if my WS can't make up her mind THEN I WILL!!. <p>It's so hard when you are the only one who is trying and you are following the Plan A, MB principles etc and don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I guess maybe to break from the thought process a bit, at some juncture, you have to decide when the breaking point is.<p>I dont know about your situation, but my analogy that I''m gonna give to my Ws is this--"It's fourth quarter, two minute warning--you have no time outs left, so you can't stop the clock and you are down by a touchdown. Are you going to win the game or is your A going to be the difference?"--<p>At some point, you've gotta make the call. Everyone has their own level of tolerance. The amount of time it takes for the "A" to end is speculative. At some point I think, to save your sanity, you have to either Plan B/D or continue to plan A. It's up to you to test your own patience.<p>God Bless--

I use med to control mine, to relax my tummy. I have ample supply of pepacid on top of the med to control my burning sensation (acid) on my throat. How could I kiss someone on the lip while I know she gave it to someone else ?. I have to do it since it is one of the plan A'ng, lack of affections.<p>Start thinking/planning plan B, it is a must. Logistic, letter and so on. Some BS by doing so could see how hard it is compare to hang in for a bit longer. It helps too.

I managed to get through last night and even him holding me while watching TV, but it's approaching time for him to come home tonight, and my stomach is in knots again. I'm back to not being able to eat.<p>I am resolved about Plan B. There is just nothing else to be said or done. It is hopeless, and it's been hopeless since the beginning--I just didn't want to face it all these years. My fear now is that before I can get everything done that I need to do to make Plan B easier for me, he'll catch on and make my life a worse hell so that I'll have to leave before I'm ready. I need to get everything together that I want to take with me. That is the only thing holding me up now. I have so many years' worth of clutter to sift through.<p>I already have the arrangements made with my family who are going to help me, and my Plan B letter is already written. I'm normally such a transparent open person, and it's getting harder and harder to keep up the facade around him.<p>I told him before we were married that respect was my #1 need, that I could live without love, but I could not live without respect, and it's like I handed over to him the weapon with which he has tormented me all these years. The A is just the latest disrespect and humiliation he has heaped on me. I think I'm more sickened by my betrayal of myself than I am of his betrayal of me. And I never should have had children with him, so now I have to live with putting more children through this.<p>But talk about sad: After my H left back in Sept., my little boy asked if Dad and I were breaking up, and I answered that it appeared that way. He said, "Good, now you can marry a nice Dad." How do I hang on even for their sake when this is how they see this M?<p>I think I'm just sick about everything, that there are no good answers and a step in any direction will be yucky. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ January 14, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>