Hi all,
I chose the smiling icon with the "glasses" to remind myself that I could be looking through rose colored glasses. But things are looking up!<p>Just a brief history for those who don't know me. D-Day 11/18/01, the day after our 11th wedding anniversary. I was absolutely devastated. Well intentioned friends and family all urged me to "get rid of that %$#@@##", "get a good lawyer", "you are better off without him". I kept thinking if that were all true, why did I feel SO BAD? Then one friend suggested something that sounded revolutionary - she said "you need to keep him close to you so you can work this out. I know you two love each other. Don't let this ruin things for you both". So I started researching. Bought several books on affairs/marriages, etc.<p>I found MB about 2 weeks later. The concepts of Dr. Harley's made the most sense to me. So, I began working on Plan A, and seeking out the company of friends and family who were supportive of me supporting my marriage (and avoiding those who encouraged me to end it, including my parents). This was a little difficult to do since I really wanted to hurt H, the way I felt he had hurt me. But I also knew that if I wanted to save my marriage, I was to avoid LBs at all costs (although I was not always successful). But I have been trying.<p>Ever since D-Day, my H has been emphatic about not wanting to try to save the marriage. I told my local counselor about MB and Plan A and she felt it was a good approach and supported me in doing this. She also explained that since I was reacting completely differently than my husband expected (due to Plan A application), that my husband didn't know how to respond, that he didn't understand my "new" behavior, and that he didn't quite trust it so I needed to give it time to work. This made a lot of sense to me, so I have kept trying. <p>During this time I have had small opportunities to try to meet H's EN, and to share with him some of the MB concepts. At first, he totally refused to even look at this. But then, he started wavering. I continued to work Plan A. I started to see where my behavior had contributed a lot of LBs, and areas where I could improve. He made a comment one time that he originally did not think things could change between us....but was surprised to think maybe they actually could. I love my husband very much, but I know I made a lot of mistakes (we both did). I never thought I could actually lose him...... So I wanted to do everything I could to repair my side side of the fence before I threw in the towel on our marriage.<p>Last Saturday I took the initiative (I have never done this) to arrange a babysitter for our son so we could spend some fun time together. H enthusiastically agreed and we spent a great day together. He even suggested that we just drive around and talk, and go to an Indian festival, walk around and hold hands,and....frankly I was wondering if an alien had taken over this man's body.<p>Then H did the most amazing thing! He told me that he had some responsibility in this marriage, and that he would like to try working on our marriage together, using the MB concepts as a guide! This after two months of assuring anyone who asked that he was definitely NOT interested in working on this marriage.<p>OMG! Now I am excited. I am also scared. I really don't want to fail. I really don't want to hurt again. However, I believe that the MB concepts are designed to help people through this - even if the marriage doesn't work out. That's because you've given it all you can. And if it doesn't work out, chances are there will be so much LBs going on, it won't hurt so bad.<p>Another thing - I took some advice and consulted a lawyer yesterday - just in case. I used the time to validate my understanding of divorce laws in my state, child custody, and processes. Now that I am knowledgeable about this information, this helps me a lot too. Because now I am not worried about "what I don't know", and can focus my energies on learning new habits to meet my H EN. <p>My H has listened to the quick start tape on His Needs, Her Needs, and has started work on the EN questionnaires. He talks in terms of LBs and ENs. He smiled when he pointed out that he understood now that I was working on "Plan A". He is reading Dr. Harley's books. It's almost like we have a new language we are speaking.<p>My H affair was brief, out of state, and I believe him when he says it is over. I still don't trust him, but hope to get to 90% someday. He seems to understand this and tries to be patient if I question him about it (when my brain starts attacking me).<p>So, I will keep you all posted as we continue this journey. Two months ago I wanted to die. Today I feel that there can be a better future, and I will be a better person for it. I am learning a lot. I am sticking with the people who are supportive, and I am taking the course that looks to be the best course of action. I can make plans, and work them to the best of my ability, I just have to keep in mind that I have no control over the outcome. Two months ago I wanted to die. This is much better...at least for today.<p> [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">code:</font><hr><pre> </pre><hr></blockquote> [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]
