Okay, here is the short of it. H is having A. Told BS on 12-26, moved out on 12-26. Merry Christmas to me. Maybe spends 4 hours a wk with 4 and 6 yr kids. Will not talk with me. Advoid as much contact as possible. H is very guilty. Dad did this to his mom and he understands how he has hurt me. Denial turned to anger today. Does anyone know how many years you can get for spousal abuse? Best Friend told me I lost my chance to throw things at him when he walked out on 12-26. I am trying to use Plan A but when you don't talk or see each other its very hard. Just finished James Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough." Thinking about issuing him any ultamatum to move his stuff from the house. I guess I can't understand what a trial separation is if you are still living at two places, BS is still paying your bills, BS is taking care of kids (wouldn't have it any other way). BS is resenting the H*** out of H right now. How far do you go to take back your life without ruining it? Talked with H tonight finally about kids. Tld him 6 yr old told 4 yr old that Daddy wasn't coming home again. H sounded surprise like "Of course, I am coming home. Where did he get that idea from?" Aghhhh!!!

SCHURT,<p>MB or tough love or Dv Buster, all are relationship techniques. IMHO, MB is the safest. Use tough love when you know that you have the upper hand and H is not ready to leave otherwise you are looking at Dv. Hang in there and vent in here. Make sure you do plan A and address all the issue(s) in your M. Let A dies itself. You could take back your life and build a better one with MB. You have so much too loose and your kids and even your H. Your H right now is deep in the fog, you don't want to take it by the horn right now until you can access the situation. Be the pilar of your family, one crazy parent is enough, don't add to become the angry one.<p>Take care.

Thanks, Redhat for listening. I am getting frustrated because he won't even talk to me about us. I think he is afraid to talk. I think that may have been the problem all along, we never talked. I guess I want to go forward and look at solving the problems and he just wants to be in limbo until he decides to make a decision. Can you tell I am a control-oriented person? So is he by the way. And, he is having the control and it is killing me. I am trying Plan A while he is here with the kids. Not easy when everyone wants his attention.

Schurt,<p>I have to agree with redhat, Just hang in there, there is a light at the end of this tunnel, I have only recently realized that.<p>It does get better with time.<p>God bless.

Schurt,<p>From 1 controller to another.....the A/fogese combo forces you to learn another trade for the moment. It is like 2 magnets. They don't attract instead they force each other apart. <p>So when he comes over, you may need to step back and not 'get in his way'. He will notice. Isn't that what you want and need? As long as you are showing yourself his equal (in controlling), he will ignore you. He may even ignore any accomplishments you may achieve. <p>What do you do? You down play your stuff. Even your big accomplishments. Let others toot your horn for you. The children, friends, family, etc. <p>Let him come to you. It may take a while but if he is controlling and you don't keep him abreast of everything, he may com'a crawlin' to U. <p>L.

Schurt,
My WH moved out in 99 to "wrok out of state" Oct of this year I found out about OW1 & in Dec 01 OW2. Before finding MB in Oct, i had already began plan A without knowing what it was.<p>Recently (after finding out about OW2) I made an appmt with Steve H about possibly going to plan B
We talked about staying in plan A that it really was easier because he wasn't there most of the time - easier no to LB, etc. Also, I use the time to work on myself, ie read, pray, etc. Steve sais plan A is not to have your WS fall in love with you , just for you to be around when the A ends.<p>I had to ask myself, if today my husband came back & was the greatest husband, would I be the greatest wife? The answer was no, I was not what I wanted to be or more importanly what God thought I could be. I am VERY lonley & a time overwelmed by being a single parent, but I keep working on me. (It is paying off)<p>Plan B would be different because there would be no contact & the OW would have to meet ALL his needs.<p>Hope this helps.

Thank you Legacy for your comments. I know that I have to work on myself. Today was the first day that the kids went with H to see his new Apt (His and hers). I was amazed that I was not depressed by him taking them with him. He is a very good parent and loves our boys. I thank God every day for that.<p>One of my sisters was here and my mom took me out shopping. It's been years since I shopped all day. Mom paid for everything. Guilty about that. My mom really wants to push me toward changing so fast. I finally had to tell her that I need to change for myself, not my H. She finally understood and let go. She is taking this A almost harder than I am. H was a son she never had. He was her favorite SIL. She has now lost a son and he has hurt her daughter. I have found me being the supportive one with her. <p>I finally found SAA. Boy, the first three chapters, I really recognize. It could be my H and I with the names changed. At first, I thought this A was sexual and now I know it is an EA. That makes it harder on me. <p>I do know that OW is making demands now. Last night, H picked up boys. I have been asking for times on when he will pick up and when he will bring back. He has refused to give them to me. I have had to come home and wait until he shows up. Finally, last nite I took control of the situation. I went out to eat. Seems like he had the same idea except he had the kids. I called him and he became very upset when I told him I would be in until 8:00. When I got in, I told him I was sorry for ruining his dinner plans. However, on the nights he has boys, those are his nights with the boys. He needs to enjoy those nights with them and not make other plans. I told him that he was taking advantage of me by expecting me to wait at home until he got there. I then told him that I would be home by 8:00 on those nights. I would not take advantage of his time by planning something for the boys or by being late. He agreed that he was taking advantage of me and that I was a good mother to take them almost every night without a break. He said he would make sure that those where his nights. I told him he was a great father and his boys loved him more than anything in the world. Does this scenario still fall under Plan A? I hope so. Also, I wanted everyone to know that God does have a sense of humor. On their first day with day in his apt, it has rained all day and been 42 degrees. He said he was worn out trying to entertain and he thinks the apt may survive but he is not sure yet. Wonder how the OW is?

SCHURT,<p>That's great that you set a boundary with WH & spoke up for yourself. <p>Does OW have kids? Do you have a a profile - ie when met, how long married, kids, Dday ect?<p>This week end was a tough one for me. Last weekend WH & I were at a convention together & had a good time, first time in many years. He even treated me different this past week when he called (we have a business together!!!!!!!!!) Then all weekend he doesn't call at all. Hmmmmm
While away, he agreed to call Steve Harley but has not done that yet.<p>Today, I bought over a $100 of books on this subject to add to my (growing) collection. Somehow it makes me feel better.<p>Keep posting <p>Blessings

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Legacy. Found out more about this weekend from kids. It seems that H has been talking about a special treat when they went to see his new Apt. Special treat was OW puppy. Unfortunatly for H, puppy doesn't like kids. He scratched and bit at them and puppy was put up. Oh, well. <p>My oldest son keeps calling OW the wrong name. Wonder if she will get paranoid. Youngest son didn't say much. Maybe not impressed.<p>I decided today after going to church I was going to get on with my life. I am going to stop second guessing why he did this or why he did other little things like charging a Christmas gift to our Visa for her. Our minister is preaching an 8 week series on "Ground Zero." He says that everyone experiences a "Ground Zero" in their lives. Every "Ground Zero" is Devine appointments that must be kept with god. I decided that devine intervention is coming into play. God knows I need this now. I am turning my "Why" questions into "what" do I do to go forward questions and "how" can I continue to grow with the lord questions. I have never been very religious even though my dad was a Baptist minister, however, I am finding peace with God right now.<p>Legacy, don't let up on him with his promise to call Steve Harley. Be nice but firm. Don't set yourself up for heartbreak. He must do it himself because he wants to do it. Keep reading. Go to the library. At first I was embarassed about going to the library and then decided who cares. Worse case, they will fill sorry for me.<p>Many prayers are going out to you tonight.<p> [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]