Quick synopsis - wife informs me (dday being last april) she doesn't feel chemically for me, but that I'm perfect in every other way, and that she may have NEVER felt the right way for me, but married me because everything else (best friend, good provider, etc) was great. During this discussion comes out affair with younger, better-looking jerky guy (which matches every bf before me), which she ended but never told me to avoid ruining things. I tell her I can forgive her but we need to go to therapy. I start plan a with a vengence. 6 weeks into therapy, she starts seeing a NEW guy (same type). I explain that she has to break it off or that's it, she doesn't really want to, so plan B - out she goes. After drifting from friends house to friends house for a while she moves in with OM, in a totally platonic relationship now, she says. She tells me she doesn;t know what she wants, and that I shouldn't wait for her (last may). After 6 months of plan B, and little contact from her, I proceed to file for divorce.
Now she's making noises like maybe she wants back - she's starting to take more blame, starting to say how she never gave it a chance and should have. She's still 'confused'. We're like in the last 2/3 of divorce. As for me, I feel zero trust for her now. Besides picking up a NEW guy while she was supposed to be working things (and I was really, really showering her with all the love I could send her way), she's always had a bad habit of lying about stuff to avoid telling me things that could upset me. I feel like at this point I can't imagine her changing anytime soon, or I can't imagine ever trusting her again, etc. But I feel bad not giving her another chance (which I guess is the 3rd one now). But to have her do it again will just about kill me. So, I guess my questions are a) what do you do about serial liars/cheaters, is it worth trying to make it work? and b) what should I do to avoid having it happen all over again? I was, in her words, a perfect husband, but she just can't seem to muster up the chemistry. Could we just not have it, and she's beating a dead horse trying to force herself to?

There's a big difference between taking blame...
...and asking for forgiveness.<p>Forgiveness requires knowing one did wrong...
...and want to actively work on correcting the wrong.<p>Your stbx needs to grow up!<p>Your Plan B should most certainly continue until your W understands... this is not a game...
...it is a really life (and lives) she is affecting.<p>When she can admit to the "wrongness" of what she did...
...and see the need for counseling... and her chance to work on a Plan A (to make her a better spouse)...
...only then can reconciliation (in truth) being.<p>If you can tell her these things (as you did in your Plan B letter)... it will clarify for her... one final time... what your spousal love is all about!<p>Praying for you and your WS.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim/NSR

Ernie.
Sorry about your troubles. I think yes she can find passion for you, but obviously she has to make the effort to commitment and to exploring it. <p>I wish I could make my wife realize that to my WW too. Same idea, not quite same situation
oh well.

Ernie,<p>You have gotten great advice. I will try to phrase it a little different. Realizing she never gave it a chance does not address her basic approach to you. Lying, more lying, cheating and more cheating with the "same" type of guy over and over.<p>Do you sense a pattern?? I think you do. What has she done or what will she do to brake this pattern? This is about her, it is not about giving you and the marriage another chance. <p>Do you see what I mean? I think you should stay in Plan B as NSR suggests and not stop the D. If she does decide to work on herself and her issues, then you should reevaluate. This could happen even after the D is final.<p>There is a saying around here the source of which I don't remember: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results.<p>It would seem from your post, your W is defining that saying very well. In my opinion there is no need to give her another chance, unless there is a chance there will be different results.<p>Good luck and God Bless,<p>JL<p>[ January 18, 2002: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</p>