Hi! My name is Denise and I'm new to the forum. I recently read, "Surviving and Affair" and even bought it for our counselor and he liked it. I tried to get my husband to do the emotional survey with me but he wasn't interested. We've been married for 5 1/2 years and have been together for 6 1/2 years (one yr engagement). We have a precious child and are in counseling for an affair my husband had and just ended all contact with 2 weeks ago tomorrow, PRAISE God!
We've had marital troubles for years but nothing I didn't think we couldn't work out. Now my husband is staying in our marriage and our home for our child's sake but says he has no (zero) feelings for me and is in love with this other women. He says the affair was going on for 6 months. I'm really working on myself and letting God change me and like my user name states I'm Believing in a Miracle and clinging to God's word. I have changed dramatically in the month and 1/2 since I've found out about the affair. I feel hopeless sometimes because I seem to be the only one wanting to move forward and work things out while my husband is still clueless as to his feelings. How much time should I give him to grieve over this relationship? How can I find out what his emotional needs are if he isn't willing to tell me? I know for sure one big one is admiration but don't I need to know 2 to make deposits? Please respond with any ideas or suggestions that you have. Also do you all know any words of affirmation that I could say to him and if there is a website or book that lists some. It's been really hard for me to think of positive things to say to him when my account is in the red and I don't feel like I know him anymore. Thanks and my prayer is that everyone of us will have a miracle happen in our marriages and they'd ALL restored! Nothings impossible for God! [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

BIAM,
I know what you are going through. My wife is coming off more of an emotional affair and not so much a sexual affair. She has in the past had 2 of those and I have taken her back without working on the problem. I did it for the sake of the kids. They are older now and I can't hide behind there emotions and wanting to try and make a Godly home. My wife has said many many times in the last month "I don't love you anymore, but I do care for you". <p>After reading the PLAN A/PLAN B things that Dr. Hartly talked about, I have encouragement. As soon and an affair is exposed, it disinegrates (sp) under it's own weight. I know with my wife, I found out on the 14th of Dec. and as of this past Monday, she said that "she basically called it off", after a little prodding, I think the OM did the dumping. My wife is a dianosed Bi-Polar and has much baggage. <p>I see similarities in your situation as what is going on in mine, other than the fact my wife is filing for divorce and leaving me with the kids (which I have wanted all along...seriously, I love my kids and don't want her to have them). She wants to move 400+ miles away and start a "new" life as she says it. She has completely refused to want to work on things but we are in counseling for another 2 sessions. But I have noticed that since I have not reacted the way she wants to, she seems to be realizing her ill ways, but she still is seeking the divorce. <p>I know I will have to let her go, but there is a lot more baggage I could write about, but this response would be very very long. <p>I love my wife very very much and want to work on things, but she has to want to and until she wants to, I could only pray for her.<p>My sister told me about a book that her and her husband are reading. I think it is called "The heart of a praying Husband/Wife" by Stormie O'Martian. <p>My advice or encouraging words is that let him know you love him not necessarily by words, but how you are and how you carry yourself. <p>I know with my wife she said to me the other night "Why are you rtreating me nice, after I filed the divorce papers you are treating me nice, why couldn't you treat me like this throughout our marraige?". I admit, I haven't been the greatest model husband at times throughout the marraige, but I have always been faithful to the marraige vows and have gone over and above the call of a husband many many times. She is just now seeing that I am not acting any different, I think her guilt over what is happening and what she is doing is coming to light.<p>
Hope that helps<p>keith

Believing in a Miracle,<p>About EN, you guess it ... just think about it what make your H happy ... on what condition ?. Go through the questionair as if you are him. Also let the conselor help you, I heard my W's conseling with Steve (I snoop by mistake), he disguise some of the questions and ask it differently out of the blue, very smooth.<p>Don't worry about the order as long as you could get the top five you are fine.

ALso remember that your H is going through withdrawal now and it's normal for them not to have any feelings of love for the BS. However, they need to know that the feeling of love will return if they follow the plan for recovery. It will be hard if not impossible to fill H's love bank while he is in withdrawal, but filling out the EN quesitonaire as if you were him is a plus, and a counseling session with Jennifer Harley Chalmers or Steve Harley may give him the encouragement he needs as well as starting you both on a plan for recovery. Steve Harley has the data that you can 100% get back the love, it just takes time and following the plan for recovery. K

Denise -
I'm so sorry for your pain. When did you find out about your husband's affair? Did your H work with this woman? Can you be sure that H has no contact with her? That is very important for recovery. Withdrawl and grieving for the OW can last as long as 6 months to a year. It's a long hard road, but if you both work at it it can be done.