I have been Plan A-in' for about two month's now. We have been separated for about 9 mths. now.She has been calling me every day for about a month and a half for something. We recovered her couch before Christmas together. She asked me to spend Christmas Morning with her and the kids. We have spent time together each day for about a month and a half.I know that I have grown so much and I'm sure she must see it. But today I broke down and told her that I still loved her very very much . She told me that she didn't feel that way for me and that I was taking everything the wrong way. What way am I supposed to take it? I really feel like throwing in the towel. This hurts way to much.

Don't give up.<p>Seems like your WS is noticing changes in you. Unfortunately, it takes a while for the WS to have any feeligns of love for the BS. It takes lots of deposits in their love banks, which doesn't happen until they give up the OP and get through withdrawal. <p>As a BS I too long to hear those words from my WH, but they are just not capable of it yet, and yes it HURTS!<p>Keep up the good Plan A. Monitor your love units. Keep going until you think you'll fall out of love and then hit Plan B. <p>It's a long road, but the Plan A changes that you are making will benefit you personally no matter how this turns out. Make sure you have a good support system in place and get counseling if needed to get though this.<p>Remember, you are laying a foundation for Plan B, and it takes while sometimes for WS to see the changes.<p>Don't forget to take care of you too while this is going on. K

She now tells me that she has seen him( an ex-boyfriend from 14 yrs. ago. with lots of flash and nice things to say. But I am the one who shovels the snow from the yard for her and fixs anything any time she calls (usually once a day). But now that I know for sure that she was seeing him It changes how I feel about giving with Plan A. Should I now phase into Plan B? All of this is always so fragile. But thats what a plan is I suppose, to carefully look ahead searching the possible outcomes of how I will handle each situation. Any way I keep looking for gold. I just hope I find it

Well, Today I sat down wrote up a plan B. Itried to be forward but tactful. I told her that if she wanted me to move on I had to stop coming over to do little things for her. I told her that I loved to do those things for her but it is to hard for me to be around her. I told her I was moving on and my p.s. on the letter was : If you "NEED", I will be there. If you "WANT" I will consider. I still left a door open for her. It was one of the hardest things I have done. But I feel better for it. She's already irrate. Oh well I didn't make this bed.

How painful. I am still Plan A'ing and its only been a short while, unfortunatly I can't help but help think about what Plan B'ing would be like and also entail.<p>I have been doing a lot of reading, and thanks to Redhat for all the insight, I would say that as much as it is painful for you to have to deal with this, it sounds like your W is doormatting you. All the little things she asks of you are just adding insult to injury esp when she will not try and be reasonable, or act like an adult.<p>In my opinion you should make the move to Plan B, give her a real taste of what her life will be like when you are too busy to fetch her slippers or make her breakfast. Stay the course, stand firm. Don't let her mess with your head, its hard, I know. <p>Start engulfing your self with your children and activities that make them feel like a family, once your W sees that you guys are having fun and doing things without inviting her I think she will either begin to see how important you are. The bottom line is that your WW will do what ever she wants, so why shouldn't you?<p>Keep smiling and be strong, dont let her selfish ways get the best of you. Besides you have have some real friends/family/support here at the MB site who truly care about you. <p>One last note I seem to be telling myself over and over and over is that no matter what the outcome of this situation is, you have already won! You have grown, you have the tools/skills/knowledge that you can change your life for the better, and she is still hopelessly lost.<p>Hang in there, we care about you!

Thanx for the support digitalslavery. I think that moving on was one of the hardest things to do. But it is necassary for my own sanity, you wouldn't believe the weight I feel lifted off of me. I feel more in control than ever and that is the most important step that I could make for me. It is all part of the healing process. I had the best weekend ever with the children. I felt peace for the first time, even though the small 2 bedroom trailer that I was sort of forced into was pretty tight. I noticed that your profile that your busy to. I hope for the best for you, I feel your pain. Keep your plan solid, although some plans need to be altered. But as long as they are getting a response they have a chance of a successful outcome. Remember that change is constant and does not stagnate. So grab a hold of change with all your might and don't let go, who knows where it will take you. Have a great day...

Ok, now that you are in Plan B, stay strong.<p>It sounded like you were ready, but only you could make that decision. <p>WS will be angry at first, but it's because they are losing control. Don't communicate except through a third party or e-mail or however you have it arranged. This is the time for the OP to meet all their needs.<p>Make sure you have a strong support system, take care of yourself, and your kids. <p>The WS may try alot of things to get you to break your resolve, but don't let her. It sounds like you did all you could, but sometimes the WS just doesn't get it until they are forced to.<p>Be sure to keep us updated on what's happening. K

Well she phoned me three times again today. I don't think honestly that she has let go of ME like she says she has. I cut every conversation right to the point and in a "matter of fact" context. It is a hard thing to do, but her whole tone has changed since the Plan B letter. It sort of forces her from her limbo, the confused state that I believe that she is in. She can't have the cake....! Anyway, i still feel great. And remember that strength is comes in many forms. And what doesn't kill you, strengthens you. I am alive... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Wow, I am thinking I will have to cut off contact and plan b too, becuase my spouse is the ultimate cakeman... likes to have his cake and eat it too- who wouldn't? spoiled and lucky, right? no more... I think.. I am contemplating plan b now, what made you decide?<p>Hugs, HONEY

What made me decide (to plan b) was when I started to dislike my wife. Plan B helps preserve what little love you have left. She was driving me crazy (by still seeing the OM and lying about it) and my sanity and love for her simply could not take it any more.<p>4 days into plan b and things are better.<p>[ February 08, 2002: Message edited by: Longing ]</p>

Longing, I am very glad for you! I keep telling myself only a few months in... 5 months after D day, but successful plan a for about 1 month, as in the beginning I went LOCO! I am trying to keep it up, as my WS, says you are so crzy, this is why I left... yes, he drove me crzy, trying to be me again for a while and let him see.<p>I commend you for plan b... let her see what it is really like without you, and preserve what little love you have left for her... I know it is difficult. But, I am so glad you are doing better... I like it when I step back, and just let Ws do what they will. <p>Hugs, HONEY

I think that "longing" hit the nail right on the head with preserving what love you have left. it also comes to a point that you almost feel like you have to stop somewhere to start somewhere. But at least then you feel more in control of the situation. I think that this is part of regaining back yourself and your dignity as a wonderful person "wanting" not "needing" to share what you crave to give most. This is a point in a relationship that if you really do have faith and trust that you say or said that you have. The real truth will come out. And by letting go and moving on with yourself, you really do put the ball in the other court with total un-influenced faith and trust. It is another day, be thankful for change.

How are your kids taking this R2?<p>You touched on another good point. She could tell I was needy when I was around her and that was not productive or attractive to her. It is now easier for me to tell her what I desire without it seeming needy.

Well, Today I sat down wrote up a plan B.
Did you send it to her?
How about posting it here so we can give some guidance on it?<p>I told her I was moving on
Plan B is not moving on. It is not communicating with her. If your Plan B letter gave her the impression you are going to act as if you are single, then you need to send a correct Plan B letter. The letter must state you still want to reconcile.<p>If you "NEED", I will be there. If you "WANT" I will consider.
Plan B you don't "anything" for her, whether she "wants" or "needs" it.<p>I think that moving on was one of the hardest things to do.
"Moving on" is not a single step. It is not like, "okay, I've moved on. Everything is better now. It is an ongoing process.<p>Well she phoned me three times again today. I don't think honestly that she has let go of ME like she says she has. I cut every conversation right to the point and in a "matter of fact" context.
What was she phoning about? Plan B you do not talk to her UNLESS it directly concerns the children or reconciliation.