Just found out that my wife is having two affairs...now what?

First, I'm sorry. <BR>try not to be too hard on yourself or her. She has some real problems that need to be delt with. This is really too much to think about for you.<BR>How is she doing? Is she still involved with bot of the? One of them? <BR>Don't do anything that can't be undone and you need help right now in terms of counselling. It helps to have a trusted frien that you can talk to.<BR>I say these things over and over but I have found that this is what works best in these initial phases. <BR>Withdraw a little bit or more if you need to.<BR>Since you have a child, it is at least worth a try to work it out. Try to protect her from finding out what her mother has been up to. In the long run, this would be best. And it would be best to think of the long run. There is tremendous pressure to lash out in anger but, anger only begets anger.<BR>take care and be patient. Please give more details and answer the questions.

My wife has been having this affair thatI have been aware of over the last 10 months...she keeps saying she's going to end ...but then doesn't...Then when I finally told her I was leaving for good...she said no don't go...i'll end it...that was three weeks ago...she still hasn't ended it...but says she is pulling out of if... but then the other day she gave me a weird response...and so I taped her end of the conversation unbeknownst to her. In it I caught her telling another man, not the one I know about...how much she loves him......so there are two...and she is leading me to believe that she is ending the one for our relationship,...but she really has a second in hand. Who I found out about entirely accidentally...he had called because he had heard her tell me that she loved me when she forgot to hang up her cell phone.

Wow. Don't make threats or ultimatums unless you fully intend to carry them out.You need to distance yourself from her until she ends it. That may mean you moving out or she moving out. If you stay at home, at least move out of your bedroom. Try not to be punitive about it. It will probably last a few more months if that. <BR>She is very confused. <BR>In the mean time, read some of the books that have been listed here and be ready to work on the recovery. Ignore the present and work on the future. Of course, not until she has completly broken it off with them.<P>Normally, I tell people to tap the phone, but you already know all you need to. hearing anything more would do more damage to you.<P>Also, Be patient with her and yourself. Time.

Thank you for your advice. I am seeing a marriage and family councillor this afternoon to discuss what I should do about her denial that the second man is indeed a boyfriend. The tape I have...although one sided...is very clear with a name and her feelings toward him and it is not the person I already knew about. I have transcribed that side of the tape on to a Word document. Which I will be taking with me to the councillor. I wish I knew the right thing to do to save my marriage...if there is any opportunity to be saved. Thanks for your advice, though.

First, have faith that it can be saved(you do).<BR>Second have the patence to do what is necessary to save it(you do).<BR>Expect further disappointments and be willing to wheather them.<BR>I am looking at you in hindsight and I see a distant mirror. My W is 180 degrees of what she once was. Seeing how things are now and what has been taking place, it is following the same pattern.<BR>Time and patence are your allies.

John your wife has chosen to live in the fantasy world of affairs. Adultery has become an alternative lifestyle. To play the role of adultress she needs you to play the role of a betrayed husband and a OM to play the role of her lover(s). Unless you find the role that she has given you challenging and exciting you should withdraw from this melodrama that your wife has staged. Without your presence the excitement of betraying you is gone. She can no longer count on you for support when her lover(s) leave her. She becomes just another one of many single women trying to catch a man and hold onto him. Maybe the reality of what she has done will hit her if and when you leave her. Best wishes......max

You know John, I am willing to accept that just maybe I have a warped and twisted mind, but if she is cheating on two OM, and telling you not to leave, she doesn't really care about either of the OM.<P>I think If she was really, truly, deeply, in love with either of them, I think her breaking it off with one of them, and leaving you would be pretty easy. I know that either way it is very hurtful for you.<P>Just wanted to put in my two cents worth.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Luv, Liza<P>Never fear, because God walks right beside you, and if you get tired, he will lift you up and carry you.

Liza: The hard part for me is to decide which man she really wants...I asked her last night if she wanted to go to the marriage counseller with me. She says no because I told him about the 2nd man...she says she would have if I had only told him about the first. <P>The second man I only found out by breaking my word to her after 3 months and leaving a tape recorder on in my living room which caught her half of the conversation.<P>There was a line in there that went like this. "S- please don't do this! Let me tell you something...please don't go there! please...you know what? believe me when I tell you that I love you...don't you feel it? You don't feel it at all...you never felt it? Is that going to ruin our relationship ... that hurts....that hurts so bad...".<P>This was after she inadvertently forgot to hang up her cell phone while she was talking to me on the other line and she was telling me that she loved me.<P>She insists that the other guy is not her boyfriend and if I had heard the other side of the conversation, I would have known what they were talking about. She says that when she told him about my response to that tape he laughed out loud. So what are the chances that he is not involved with her?

John1960 - I'd say there are three chances she's not involved with him -- fat, slim and none! I don't mean to make light of your situation. I feel your pain. Boy, one affair on the part of a spouse is bad enough, but two has got to be the $hits. I think you were absolutely right to give her that ultimatum, and I think you ought to extend it to include BOTH OMs. Something also you might consider trying in the way of sabotaging the situation for her. If you know the ID of both OMs, what about telling each one about your W's involvement with the other one? (This is a variation of the trick of telling the OP's spouse that the OP is having an affair with your spouse.) If you decide to, do it anonymously too. I think you might be amazed at the effect. On a more conventional note, agree that you should seek counseling. Also think you should make that another condition of not leaving. And insist that her double affair be the main issue you deal with in counseling. And I wish you much luck in dealing with an even more difficult situation than many of us have. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

John,<P>Two things I learned from my wife's affair are that while they are still involved with the OM they will continue to lie and also to trust your instincts. How did your wife explain her side of the conversation? Given what you heard I don't see how it could be anything else.<P>Also, her refusal to go to the counselor seems like she is trying to avoid facing the truth.<P>I discovered my W affair just over a year ago and although I don't believe she continued the physical part of the affair I know she maintained contact with him and hid it from me for eight months. I know how painful that was for me, I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. Good luck and make sure you take care of yourself.

John, she goes to counselling and everything is on the table. Whatever was going on with the OM's, Its coming to an end now.She really does not have any say on any conditions of the relationship. You put into place how things are going to be or she's gone. You have done what needs to bedone to make this a relationship and her stipulations are meanngless. Trust your feelings. You are more right than you know.<P>Dont is right.<P>Wex, what's going on with you?