Here's my question in the long version. So I have been in plan A since our Thanksgiving blowup when I LBusted big time. Showed him all my evidence, asked him to work on our marriage or come to some decision. He still denies that they are anthing more than friends. Before that I was doing alot of accusing,begging, crying, threatening etc.<BR> So plan A. I think I have been doing a fair job. My H now can look at me without looking like he hates me. We held hands at the movies the other day. He kisses and hugs me without me approaching him first. Best of all he gave me a full body hug in the hottub and said he had a good Xmas and thanked me.<BR> So whats my problem? Well he still goes out with OW after working swing shift at least 1x per week and more if he's not carpooling. He stays home when I am home , but on days I work that he is off he goes out. I just can't beleive that this man who hates shopping goes out for 5 hours shopping on the monday after Xmas. I don't trust him and have gotten almost compulsive about looking in his truck.( on the bright side I think I found OW Xmas presant and it was a gift certificate, the same that he got the other couple that he goes out after work with.)<BR> The other problem is sex. We haven't even tried since Aug when this all came out. But for 5 months before that he was not able to keep an erection.( sorry, more info than you wanted to know perhaps) He has had a physical and prostate test that were OK. So I figure its either guilt or because he doesn't think he loves me. To be honast I miss it. I have been thinking of trying the oral thing. Do you think that would be OK or should I just be more patient and wait until he approaches me. I'm just afraid that he and OW have not yet crossed the line to sex and I don't want him to turn to her if I can help it. <BR> Thanks for all your help, I think I am addicted to this board, went into withdrawl when it was down the other day. Lora

Lora,<P>I'm truly not the greatest at giving advice here ... as I'm sure you can figure out from my previous postings but .... Has he told you he has quit seeing OW? If not, ask him. He should be trying his best to get you to trust him. He should tell you everywhere he is at all times and offer you a way to get in touch w/ him if you want to while he is away. I would do that for my husband in order to regain his trust. If he has something to hide then I would confront him in a caring, compassionate way but yet firm.<P>As far as the sex, you could try the oral thing but if it doesn't work he will probably be embarrassed. Maybe some of the guys could offer more advice on that. It might be a medical problem or guilt. <P>Hope I've helped. Good luck to you.

Are you the same Lora that posted on Dazed and Confused's thread about the booby prize? So you are doing a pretty fair plan A? I'm confused.... is there disclosure or not?<P>Regardless, until there is a commitment to the marriage 100% again - you cannot make any demands, or lovebusters, or anything negative. Do as much as you can to build the lovebank up. Make it so your husband doesn't want to be with her anymore, but only wants to be around you.<P>It sounds like your plan A is working, if he wants to be around you and seems to only see her minimally or when you aren't available. Sounds like you are the choice he has made subconsciously, and eventually this affair will end.<P>If your husband isn't objectionable to oral - I don't see anything wrong with it. But only you gauge your relationship on that level with your husband, and know if it is a lovebuster.<P>Keep up the good work, and my hat goes off to your hard work and patience. <P>I did really good for quite a few months, and then I just blew it big time, got off track with my A, and dwelled on the negative too long. (I have horrific step daughters that are really adding salt to all the injury.) Well, we are back on track, and I'm trying to shut up and pray (Bible board...) <P>Keep on keeping on, keep the expectations low, and measure progress in smaller increments.<P>TNT

Thanks Ann and TNT,<BR> No ANN, He hasn't agreed that he is doing anything more that having a friend and he hasn't agreed to stop seeing her or to work on our marriage.He is'nt trying to do things to build my trust unless you count lieing to me so I won't be hurt or upset.<BR> yes TNT I am the same Lora who posted on D&C thread. I don't know if there is disclosure or not. He denies all. I guess it goes back to that old description of an affair. I say he's having one because he has lost weight, shaves to go to work, wears better clothes to work, got a phone card, gets up early to call her when I'm at work, spends days out and gets defensive when I ask about them, says he doesn't love me, and he can talk to her and not to me. Gets cards and letters from her, she hangs up when I amswer the phone when she calls on days I'm supposed to be at work. I think he is able to deny it because he hasn't slept with her and doesn't see that his dissatisfaction with our marriage has gotten much worse since being with her. He doesn't see how easy it would be to cross that line into a physical affair and that the fact that he won't give her up when it hurts me so much tells me everything I need to know about how involved they are. Does that clear things up or make them more confused? Lora

Dear Lora,<P>I know you are angry and hurt. I know exactly how you feel. It hurts a lot to be so betrayed.<P>But I have a question for you.... You know you have been lied to - whether to protect you from the hurt of his relationship with OW, or to keep the negatives of your lovebusters down to a manageable level.... What would you do differently if you knew his relationship WAS physical, and not just emotional?<P>Emotional affairs are harder, in my opinion, because the betraying spouse is so much in denial and does not see it as an affair or an addiction. You are correct in your assessment. <P>But I don't think lovebusting to get the truth from him will get you anywhere. Gotta kill him with kindness.<P>I quit my predisclosure plan a after many months of doing a pretty good plan A. I should have done a B instead of quitting altogether and lovebusting. <P>But I instead chose to nothing but withdraw, pretty much..... Then I went back to plan A for a week... and wham - pretty much the truth came out. I had been praying so long for the truth, and when it came out it hurt pretty bad.<P>A few long weeks of wallowing about being lied to, and with my stepdaughters gone for the holidays - I'm doing a decent plan A again. It is working again. <P>I think the plan A will continue for quite a while on my end, because my husband still does not see the benefit of the basic concepts.... <P>You, I know are angry. You have every right to be. Only do a plan A unless you can't, and then only do a B. Don't lovebust, trust me.<P>It sounds like you have more going for your marriage than you think you do, he clearly does not want a divorce and prefers to be around you. <P>She sounds like a vulture.<BR>TNT

Lora, at this point, don't get bogged down on whether the affair is physical or not. It really doesn't make much difference to your situation. Just work under the assumption that he is having an affair that is at the very least emotional and may be more. <P>Your situation is very, very difficult because the affair is ongoing and there is no disclosure. But already, your relationship with your H is better, and he's given you indications of what the attraction is to the OW (friends/talk). This gives you something to work with in your Plan A.<P>Patience, patience, patience.