My H had an admitted emotional affair with an OW. He was staying out nights at a time and admitted that this OW was a "friend". They both enjoy the bar scene which I don't. My problem is that recently he has been staying home and I don't think has been in contact with her, but there is an awards banquet coming up and I know she will be there and my husband will too. I don't think my H is planning on inviting me to go because he is afraid there might be a scene but not on my part. I am somewhat upset about him not asking me to go but I am more worried about whether or not I can trust him. I have not been bringing her name up because it just gets him upset and things have been going better. I think things came to a head when the OW's husband called my house looking for his wife. Then after I found my H in the same bar as the OW and H left with me she had the nerve to call my house and demand to talk to my H. She was telling him that her H and I set them up. I told my H I didn't want any more phones calls from either of them and they should leave me alone. Well after this happened, my H seems to be staying home more. Maybe trust takes more time than I realize to regain. I just wish either he wouldn't go to the banquet or that he would take me to show the OW that we are still together and maybe she should try and do the same with her H.

Trust will take time and I think you are doing fine. I would go to the banquet regardless of him inviting me or not. And i would let him know of such. You should be honest with him. Tell him that you love him, but it'll take some time for trust to come back. He has to understand that he can't just cut you with a knife and expect the wound to heal so fast. Also tell him that you going to the banquet is not an option. I'm sorry, I just don't think I would allow him in her presence alone. Then again this is only a suggestion. Do what you think is best! <P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>

Thanks for the input. I was thinking along the lines of going whether or not he asked me to. I want to trust my husband but I really don't trust the OW. I have seen her in action when my H and I were in the same bar that she was. This was the same night that I put two and two together and realized she was the OW. Her behavior was pathetic. She was crying and taking on and trying to make my H jealous by dancing with another man. Her friends were also making obscene gestures at me like I was the one that shouldn't be with him even though we are married. It is very sad because she is married too and has a young child that she doesn't seem to care to spend too much time with seeing she is in a bar most of the time. I know it takes two but she must not have any scruples. I know after the pain I have been through and even before this happened that I could never do what she has done to someone.

BC,<BR> I agree that if your H goes you are going also. He should be proud of you and want you with him. If she is stupid enough to make a spectacul of herself so be it. You should not suffer anymore!! Monique

I am still hoping that he asks me to go so that will show her where my H and I stand. If not, I will probably tell him that if he goes then I am going too. You are right that he should be proud to be with me. I really don't see what he sees in her (at least physically) she is totally the opposite of me. However from what I have read the OW are not necessarily more attractive, thinner, etc than the W.

I would go to that banquet if I were you. Hold hands with your H. Show a united front. Let the OW be aware of where she stands....that she is nothing.<P>Do not let your H be with this OW at all. There is no reason or excuse for it.<P>Trust isn't going to come back overnight. It's going to take time, patience. It will also take compensation on your H's part.<P>Keep your eyes wide open. This OW sounds like an experienced & crafty manipulator.

The best way to get yourself "invited" to this banquet is to let your H know that you will not make a scene.<P>Read my profile...my situation isn't that much different from yours except that a) it is (hopefully) all but over; b) H has never admitted to anything more than "friends"; not an EA; and b) OW in my case is a single mom.<P>Your post indicates that your "Plan A" behavior is working. <P>I knew that mine was when my H started inviting me to gatherings with the group of co-workers of which she is part.<P>I think going w/o being invited would be a major LB on your part. How about letting him know that you'd LOVE to go? Is there another co-worker there that you like that you can tell him you'd like to be able to see? Will there be dancing and you love to dance? Is your H receiving an award that you'd like to see him get? Let him know that you want to go, but don't tell him why. <P>This is one case where a little "dishonesty" is a good idea. Your H probably is a conflict avoider, and if you can reassure him that YOU won't be a problem, he's more likely to want you there.

I would hope that he wouldn't go if you were not there. Why would he go with out you? I don't understand. I don't think my H would have and option if I was not going. Then again I shouldn't demand either. <P>It is very hard to trust after you have been betrayed. I am in the healing process and when my H is with me I am ok. It is when he is not my stomach knotts up, and I get all weird again. Calling every 5 min. asking questions and so forth. It makes me feel horrible. The thing is I tell him when he gets home what I am feeling. He will run through his day with me. It helps but you can't follow them every day, it has crossed my mind. Therefore rebuilding trust, is the hardest thing to accomplish. <P>I think in time we will be able to trust again. Mabe not as we did before,but we will and I also think we will find out alot more things about eachother than before. My H and I have already and we have been married for 7 1/2 years.<P>So good luck, and talk, don't attack, explain how you feel, remember don't attack it will just close the door tighter. <P>God bless you<BR>Christine

Thanks for the replies. I am going to try and get him to invite me and in the meantime let him know I would like to go. I think he feels embarrassed because taking me there would show that he has done something very wrong and maybe people will make him feel uncomfortable not that he doesn't deserve a little of that. I just don't want the OW playing her tricks. I have seen enough of that. If I do go I am thinking of wearing something that would definately make me stand out but not in a tasteless sense. I am quite tall and slim so drawing some attention shouldn't be too hard. Then she can see what she is up against even though it isn't all looks, I do have a mind also and scruples more than I can say for her.