He moved out with her 2months ago, the past few weeks has expressed regret and wanting to come home, we have been talking a great deal and attending a relationships course together. Said he would be moving back home next week. Found out this morning that H and OW are going back home to Virginia for a trip to meet his family. I am sick, it hurts. I feel betrayed all over again. I moved into my own place and left him to do what ever he will with the other one but now I need to medicate this. I am at work and don't want to fall apart here. I thought I was getting ready to start the repairs that were nessessary but he was horrible to me when I confronted him. Said nasty things and implied that he would be having so much fun without me. I love his family I am hoping that they hate her. She is too young for him hes 36 this month and she is 21. Damn this hurts. Can someone help?

givingtoomuch,<p>Be strong, ok. You could pass this stormy time in you life, many of us do it. I snoop a lot but I learn not to confront WS about it. It is useless, to them it is an LB'ed. Next time you vent here and draft up a startegy.<p>Remember be strong, vent here and never ever confront your H with what you know ... you will get hurt w/ the reply. Calm down and access the damage.<p>Did he say the reason why he want to move back ?. Any detail that you could share ?.

Well, just the other night we went to our relationships class, afterward we went and ate and talked for about an hour. The most productive conversation that we have had in months, he said he wanted to come home to his family and that within a week he would be home. Then today I find out from his sister that he is going out to VA with the T (Tramp) taking her to spend a week with my in-laws. They leave tomorrow. I feel like such a fool. I have moved out of "our house" and have a new place that he is not tied into at all. But I feel burnt, so stupid for buying into his crap. I honestly thought that we were going to take a shot at it with real effort and genuine love for each other instead he cons me out of money and takes his little girlfriend to visit the people who I know as my family.

Felicity,<p>Now you have to evaluate again what do you want to do ?. Now, he know that you know what he is doing, what next ?. This is the pandora box of snooping. Before you find out BS should think and get ready with the info. The info should be use to "regroup" not to confront WS. I think you should put out terms for coming home. A boundry sort of speak, to protect your M.<p>Why don't you call in-laws ? Ask them for "advise" ?. No judgement, no LB but trying to understand their son. Do not ask them to do anything on your behalf, just "advice".<p>Why do you think he did this ?. Trying to get you $ to go there or waffling ?.

Well he knows what I want, "My Family Back Together" and he had expressed the same desire just a few days ago. Said he wanted to see me working in the garden while he mowed the lawn ect.... He has always been able to manipulate me into doing or giving him what he wants but I have been standing my groud a told him until that relationship is over there will be no compromise, I am the Rock of Gibraltar! Any time he starts to use intimidation to bend my will I tell him it isn't negotiable. It works and up until today I thought I had my ducks in a row and that we were changing the way we danced so to speak. But the email about his little trip just tripped me up. It stings, it is like an even bigger violation of my family. How his family can accept his behavior is beyond me. I have been so strong up until this point. I fell like we have taken one step forward and two steps back. I know that setbacks are unavoidable. Perhaps he will never change and letting go is the only answer. I honesly feel like I hate him today. What step should I take to 1st feel better, 2nd be less available when he does call to chat, 3 make plan A work for me<p>
flea_bone@hotmail.com

givingtoomuch,<p>Check up Venusian Lady's tricks ... as long as H knows you love him, then you could use that method along with your plan A. It doesn't work where your WS questions your love, you will be seen as moving on, uncaring & unloving.<p>Don't do it at once, test it with an action the see the results.

I agree. You have to decide whether you want to Plan A or move right into Plan B -tough love.<p>If you start to give ultimatums when the WH isn't ready then he won't come back - why would he? He's in the middle of an addiction and it's just as hard for WH to leave OW as it is for you to demand a smoker to quit smoking or an alcoholic to quit drinking.<p>We want them to choose us, but at the beginning, they jsut can't.<p>With that said. It sounds like you should give Plan A a try. I don't think I would have moved out because it is harder to Plan A while you are not living with WH. And it is easier for WH to have an affair because you are no longer in the house where he'd have to sneak around - account for his time, wouldn't be able to accept phone calls from OW etc.<p>I did what you did - but I kicked WH out of the house and wanted to stand my ground before I know anything about A's or this site. Now I realize that although it would have been extremely painful for me to watch WH have a relationship - it should have had to be on his conscience to move out - now it's his rally cry - "you locked me out of the house so marriage is over."<p>It gives them an excuse and makes it easier for them. Many WS's are afraid to make decisions that have reality attached to them like moving out, making a choice between BS and OW. So it gives you time.<p>Are you reading SAA(Surviving an Affair) and His Needs/Her Needs by Harley? Are you reading the info. on this site. Very important so that you kow down what road you want to go. If you want to continue your path you may want to read Tough Love by James Dobson, but then know that the separation the FINAL until WS wants to come back. <p>You can't do both Plan A and Plan B(tough love) and have it work. You have to choose to do one at a time. Plan A lays ground work for Plan B, and lets WS know that marriage is a safe place to return to because you have made changes.<p>You may want to print out the EN and LB quesitonaire from this site and fill it out as if you were your H if he won't do it. Then begin Plan A. Be sure also to have a good support system in place(family, friends, counselor, God), you will needs all of them in the low times.
When you educate yourself on what is going on you'll then have the ability to choose what is right for you and your marriage.<p>Keep strong. K

OK 1st moving out was unavoidable, he has been living with her for 2 months and I can't afford the house without a second income, the payment was $1195 a month. 2nd, he was told that he was welcome to come to the new house when he is ready I even got him a beautiful leather recliner (it was cheap & it matched my furniture!!! Good excuse if my girlfriends start giving me the speach).
The situation with the house was too stressful you see, because of a judge and our anger, and protection orders I was being forced to leave the house on a week on week off basis, ( I broke some pictures of his and did a Waiting to Exhale in my fireplace with a few of his clothes and changed the locks after he had taken his clothes to her house and in retaliation he broke in and took the electronic equipment I filed for a protection order, I was being a hurt b-word and filed he for one too)He told the judge he didn't have anywhere to live, LIE. Essentialy he gets the kids and the house one week and I have to leave for a week and then I get the kids and house the next and he leaves, well the first week he had the house he emptied it he took some of my clothes, the baby's crib, even our family bible. His daugh, my stepdaug has been my informant, she told me he has all of OUR things in this girls house even the bible bought for both of us by my old boyfriends parents.

Update as to what has occured this weekend, his kids came to see me at new house, having a nice visit, he calls from 3000 miles away and yells at kids for visiting, then calls and leaves nasty vm on my cell about how great a time they are having on vacation together doing all the things we used to do there(Virginia Beach VA), HOME Virginia is for Lovers ???, just trying to hurt me. My moving out of the house must have really hurt him. What he said hurt but I didn't retaliate, I just returned the call and left him a vm saying I am sorry that we cant be friends, told him how sorry I was that his children, who are 17 and 15 want to see me and their brothers and I didn't know it was a problem but now I do and it wont happen again. I said, I thought we were working at being friends a few days before but I must have been mistaken. Told him to have a great time and take care. Said I love you and hung up. No nasty remarks, no tears, just NICE and not that [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] sarcastic nice either. Just kindness. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] New home is peaceful, neighbor baked cookies for us, I wondered if anyone did that anymore..... He knows I love him, I have opened my arms to him only to be smacked in the face so I wont chase anymore. No begging, just taking care of me and mine! Boys are doing OK but miss Dad. I try and do lots of stuff with them, for a while I forgot that they were hurting too........Lots of hugs these days lots and lots of attention getting behavior.
Oh Stepdaughter and stepson tell everything so I planted seeds of my new friend, (there isn't one).... Went shopping for new stuff for new house!! Had lots of fun keeping K-Mart in business..
Tomorrow night is relationship class, he is 3000 miles away, don't know how to react to questions??? Where's H?? Tell the truth? Lie and make him look good?

Oh the reason for judge's decision, youngest son has heart defect was going in for surgery a few days after the court date, judge said that child and oxygen tanks shouldn't have to be moved that inconvience should fall on the parents, H only stayed at home 1 night with girl then emptied house. And has never gone back for his weeks except to check mail and visit me breifly.

givingtoomuch,
When you are settled, it is easier to work on plan A. Don't take his bark personally, just be nice and no LB. It takes you out of the blame like GIC reply to you. Stay away from the path of A and let H stares at it point blank.

Been a while but Plan A is working! He is missing his family and admits that being with ow(21) is like having another child. I am doing well, not letting us rush back in but taking it very slow.

givingtoomuch,<p>Good, I am glad to her your update ... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . Make sure you end A with MB guideline otherwise just hang on little longer.

Had to changed my giving too much id, No More Drama is my anthem and the tattoo I treated myself to in Dec! I only have a few. Anyway, Please read my post in Recovery. The tables have turned he is crazy or something, Bipolar/Manic Depressive. You wont believe how he is being now. I had to change my cell number and will get a pager for emergencies with the boys cause his vm were so abusive. He doesn't want me and lets me know ever since I wouldn't let him spend the night.
I am just quiting with him the interactios are too stressful. Got a promotion at work!!!!! Just wont see more money until after merger, I work at HP. I think he is feeling a little green as he cant seem to find a job ad keep it which is odd as he is career salesman and has always worked. That is why I think he is mental. It was mentioned several years ago and he does fit all the typical symptoms. I am staying as far away from him as possible. Dr Jekle and Mr Hyde are alive and well and living inside Howard.

Felicity,<p>Are you willing to let him in ?. Have you set your boundry and tell him what it takes to come back or you had decided to shut the door ?. I will read more on your posts in recovery but it seems to me that you will have a chance to help him out. He might not know "how" to ammends you.<p>Glad that you are stronger and living your live -RH- [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I just read your posts in recovery. Stay strong, stick with your boundry and let him choose. What you did is a tough love approach and I am absolutly agree with you that you have to protect yourself from H. Keep a time frame on this situation and then you have to protect yourself legaly and financially too. Plan A would not work with this kind of H, he will take advantage as much as he will drain you up.<p>[ April 24, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

So so, Draining it the phrase! It is impossible to deal with him, I wrote a 4 pager letter eliminating the contact, every thing will be third party from here on out. I put it in the baby's diaper bag when he pick the boys up last week! I have stuck to it. I am feeling so much better. I have more control than ever. <p>I have this book, How to Survive the loss of a Love, last time H pulled his "I am unhappy" crapright after our 3 yr old was born, I found it once in a councelors office and meant to buy it but didn't. Then just about 2 months ago my sisters friend found it in a thrift shop and thougth of me and bought it for me. It is great. I love it. I read it every night cover to cover. it is easy reading but it helps when I need a boost. Some days and nights are soooo hard, I want to tell him about my promotion and see him proud of me not to mention have him see all the weight I am losing. But I will just let it get to him via the grapvine. This is me time, I am happy tonight but kinda lonely, just wanting to have some companionship. Trying not to thing about him and her and the little family they are trying to be with my children. It makes me sick. So I just have a cig and spit and hiss about it for a min and let it go!! Oh and I did my garden looks great, I work that from 10am to 4pm and feel great about it. I am filling my free time up with things I enjoy so my mind has less time to wander.<p>So about this tough love, I am starting not to even care if he comes back. I almost wish he would just move back home to VA, and leave us alone. If he does attempt some reconciliation what do I do, how should I handle his attempts at spening time with me. I have made it clear that while he lives under that roof I don't want him where from here.... Got any thing I should read?
PS Thank You from the bottom of my heart. This forum has helped me and given me an enourmous amount of tools to use to aid in my AWAKENING!!

Felicity,<p>Why don't you get a book that get nothing to do w/ relationship ?. Just for a change and get away from this nonsense, take a break. Harry Potter's books probably are good or how about the joy of chinese cooking ... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . -RH-

Oh I have lots of books, that is just the "when the nights are cold and lonely" But mostly I am out and about, at the YMCA working out or swimming with the boys, working and gardening, helping my parents and trying to make new friends and enjoy the existing ones. Chinese cooking isn't my thing now Soul Food, Cajun food I can work!!!
I do have one about learing to crochet. Oh and my favorite at work, "The Complete Idots guide to Money Management" I am reading my butt off more books at once than ever Thanks for the suggestion.<p>[ April 28, 2002: Message edited by: No More Drama ]</p>

No More Drama,<p>As BS, the hardest part of all of this mess is waiting. I am trying to prepare for Series 7 & 63 exam for financial traders even I do not need it, I work for brokerage firm but on the IS department. Southern food is not mine either but I might try it. I am still working on pasta's ... still experimenting with seafood pastas ... my 2 D are my food critics.<p>Going out out our comfort zone in the very safe way is good and healhty one.