Folks,<p>Here's something to provide some comments on... I tried to keep it close to the SAA example, where I could. I also possibly brought in a dash of Dobson - couldn't help it. Anyhow, fire away!<p>----------------<p>My Dear Connie,<p>God give me strength – this is the hardest thing I’ve had to write, ever.<p>In the past while, as I’ve said before, I’ve been able to reflect on things in a new light. I can see that I’ve tolerated this current situation, out of my honest love for you, out of hope that you’d come to see that I can not only be your best friend, but your romantic lover, and that you’d accept this willingly. I fear that I’ve reached a point where I can do no more to show you this.<p>Connie, I apologize to you from the bottom of my heart for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with both (OM#1) and (OM#2) possible. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will be fulfilling and based on genuine love and respect. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with (OM#2) once and for all, and commit to making other specific changes in your life that are consistent with building a happy marriage.<p>Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you completely. We must conduct ourselves as the future will really be, not given other choices. I will be moving out within the next few days. I would suspect that you will want to move also, and that’s certainly up to you. I have some specific correspondence for your family also, explaining my decision. I will send it a couple of days after I leave, so I would expect that you talk to them yourself before that. We must also establish a go-between for all communications – I’ve asked Doug to do this ([his e-mail]). All written correspondence and mail can be forwarded directly. I will seek legal separation shortly, and I’ve already taken effort to split current assets.<p>I ask you to respect my decision to be separated from you in this way. It is not done out of malice, revenge, or anything remotely like that. I do it to protect my remaining love for you. You certainly know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with (OM#2), and the things that you have said over the past months, and I simply can’t maintain contact with you any longer, knowing that you persist in holding on to both of us. I still love you dearly but I cannot see you under these conditions, and continued contact of any type threatens my remaining love for you. I’ve missed you so very much the last few months, and I can’t bear to continue like this, Connie.<p>As soon as you are willing to permanently and fully separate from (OM#2), I may be willing to discuss our future together. As you are certainly aware, feelings can be fickle and unpredictable, but my resolve in building a happy life as a complete person is one thing that will never change. I don’t say that out of selfishness, but because I’m a survivor, and one who I’m confident you would love dearly as your husband, married in trust and happiness.<p>I would love to see our marriage restored some day. I want us to be best friends, create an environment where we can be joyous, avoid unhappiness, and thrive with passion and genuine bonding of husband and wife. I know that so very much is possible – and I hope that you do too. What do I see? A house, a garden, happy, beautiful children, thrilled grandparents, and us standing tall – simple things. I wish this for you and I. I have all along in my heart of hearts.<p>I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you in any way as long as you are seeing (OM#2). Take care.<p>With my truest love,<p>[ February 10, 2002: Message edited by: J.R. ]</p>

Very nice letter, very well done. I am not one to give advice in plan B as I am not able to go there yet, am there for the most part tho, kind of strange I know.<p>Sit on it for a day or two, I am sure there will be more out there with input for you. May re-consider the part about her family. Like I said there are others that will help!!<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hopefully you can get some WS's to add comments.<p>Just my 2 cents. I have already written a Plan B letter and probably read evryone ever posted on the discussion forum. Yours sounds good, but here's a few things that struck me.<p>Do you want to mention legal proceedings in letter? Plan B is supposed to be a last ditch effort before legal proceedings are filed. This may add salt to the wound.<p>Some info. Steve Harley gave me - focus on the fact that you are doing this to protect yourself from the pain WS is causing and that you are doing it to protect your love for her.<p>the tolerating the current situation line sounds like a parent talking to a child - maybe you can rephrase or just me more specific like "your affair with OM"<p>Also the I will avoid seeing or talking to you.... this is where you need to put - I can not longer see or talk to you because of the pain I am feeling because of yoru choice to continue ad relationship with OM - needs to be clear why and not so condesending.<p>And I'd take out the word "may" be willing to talk to you - if she feels like there only a chance that you'll talk to her then why risk it - I think you really want to say that you'll talk about the possibility of reconcilitation, but you'd at least here what she'd have to say. If not then there is no reason to send this letter.<p>Also, the take care is a little anti-climatic - I'd leave it off or put something more dramatic there.<p>The I am willing to avoid the mistakes sounds like you're not trying to avoid them now or that they are something that you haven't really fixed. If you've really been in Plan A then you should have already fixed those mistakes or maybe you can say that you will continue to work to avoid those mistakes. <p>Please don't read into any of these comments in a negative way - I'm just thowing out my own personal comments for you to consider and do with as you please. I know how hard it is to even get a draft ready. Good luck. K

JR,<p>I think it is good and I really like GiiC's suggestions. Make those and send it off.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Okay, I've done a few changes... Anything else to say about it??? (I've also included a couple of in-line questions / comments, based on the above responses.)<p>---------------
My Dear Connie,<p>God give me strength – this is the hardest thing I’ve had to write, ever.<p>In the past while, as I’ve said before, I’ve been able to reflect on things in a new light. I can see that I’ve tolerated your affair out of my honest love for you, out of hope that you’d come to see that I can not only be your best friend, but your romantic lover, and that you’d accept this willingly. I fear that I’ve reached a point where I can do no more to show you this.<p>Connie, I apologize to you from the bottom of my heart for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with both OM#2 and OM#1 possible. Based on my growth and understanding, I will avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will be fulfilling and based on genuine love and respect. But I cannot do that with you until you end your relationship with OM#2 once and for all, and commit to making other specific changes in your life that are consistent with building a happy marriage.<p>Until then, I can no longer see or talk to you because of the pain I am feeling because of your choice to continue your relationship with OM#2. We must conduct ourselves as the future will really be, not given other choices. I will be moving out within the next few days. I would suspect that you will want to move also, and that’s certainly up to you. I have some specific correspondence for your family also, explaining my decision. I will send it a couple of days after I leave, so I would expect that you talk to them yourself before that. We must also establish a go-between for all communications – I’ve asked Doug to do this ([his email]). All written correspondence and mail can be forwarded directly. [I took out the part about legal separation - BUT - see below question.]<p>I ask you to respect my decision to be separated from you in this way. It is not done out of malice, revenge, or anything remotely like that. I do it to protect my remaining love for you. You certainly know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OM#2, and the things that you have said over the past months, and I simply can’t maintain contact with you any longer, knowing that you persist in holding on to both of us. I still love you dearly but I cannot see you under these conditions, and continued contact of any type threatens my remaining love for you. I’ve missed you so very much the last few months, and I can’t bear to continue like this, Connie.<p>As soon as you are willing to permanently and fully separate from OM#2, I will be open to talking about the possibility of reconciliation, and the things necessary to build a strong future together. As you are certainly aware, feelings can be fickle and unpredictable, but my resolve in building a happy life as a complete person is one thing that will never change. I don’t say that out of selfishness, but because I’m a survivor, and one who I’m confident you would love dearly as your husband, married in trust and happiness.<p>I would love to see our marriage restored some day. I want us to be best friends, create an environment where we can be joyous, avoid unhappiness, and thrive with passion and genuine bonding of husband and wife. I know that so very much is possible – and I hope that you do too. What do I see? A house, a garden, happy, beautiful children, thrilled grandparents, and us standing tall – simple things. I wish this for you and I. I have all along in my heart of hearts.<p>I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you in any way as long as you are seeing OM#2. I hope that I can see you again someday. [Is that too manipulative? It certainly is more dramatic, no?? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] ]<p>With my truest love,
J.R.<p>
---------------
Okay, I do have one thing to add... Since one of the EN that I do provide is financial support, I do believe it makes sense to separate our finances early into this process. (Seems to be the same case with Sue/Jon in SAA). Not to show her that I'm being mean - but to subtly withdraw something she claims on the surface means nothing to her, but deep down, has some significance. I did take out the line about legal separation, but is there some way to integrate the separation of finances - or just do that outside of the Plan B letter and talk about it.

I like your Plan B Letter. I am still working on Plan A...I give it 5 mo. Can I use your letter as a guidline if I have to write one? I am hoping OW will just throw in the towel soon.

JR,<p>I like the letter however there are a few lines I think you should delete. Then combine the remaining first sentence with the paragraph that follows. The part I would remove is:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>As you are certainly aware, feelings can be fickle and unpredictable, but my resolve in building a happy life as a complete person is one
thing that will never change. I don’t say that out of selfishness, but because I’m a survivor, and one who I’m confident you would love dearly as your husband, married in trust and happiness. <hr></blockquote><p>In this section you are trying educate her, and then bragging. Neither of these will be well received.<p>Remember, this is a LOVE letter. It is not a letter to set her straight. It is not a letter to educate her. It is not a letter to make her feel sorry for you.<p>The main purpose of this letter is to let her know:<p>1. You can no longer maintain love for her while being in constant contact with her thereby the affair.<p>2. You would like very much to have an other chance to work on the marriage once the A is over.<p>3. A brief set of arrangements as to how she can contact you.<p>Your question about the finances, doesn't need to be discussed really. You have decisions to make so make them. If she has questions have her contact you through your mediator. You could send through him to her some notication as to what you have done to separate finances, but I wouldn't put it in this letter.<p>Remember this is not about "tough love", or boundaries, or anything else. It is simply a love letter and how you want to preserve that love.<p>Hope this helps.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Thank you so much for posting your letter. I thought our marriage would survive and that we were different, survivors, but he felt he could continue this relationship with two women forever without our family finding out. My husband met OW on the internet playing Yahoo Euchre each night and eventually got nastier to me asking him to stop, she changed her screen name so I wouldnt suspect. He met with her monthly when he was supposed to be working at a hotel in a city in between since June or July of 2000 with regular calls in between.I only found out by chance after a year, of course he had developed a love for her. We went to counseling where he lied to the counselor, he committed to breaking it off completely 3 different times within 6 months, and I only recently discovered he sent her an expensive bracelet, he said to break it off. I have asked him to move out of hour home and he has. My children 25, 18 and 14 are saddened by his lying. He has asked me to stay in our home and I've agreed until our son's wedding in Sept. I have modified your letter and will leave it for him today. Best wishes to you, and God bless us all. PS, I called the OW to tell her we were separated, had a civil conversation, I guess I was just curious. Somehow she got my work phone number, said she hasn't talked to H and called me back the next day to say she had to make it right with her and God and asked me to forgive her. Can you believe that? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ February 20, 2002: Message edited by: rollrbladr123 ]</p>

rollrbladr123,<p>I'm so sorry to hear that you've been pushed to the very sad point of having to start Plan B. But since you're here at MB, I assume you've read all the material - know the purposes and basis for Plan A and B. That they're like two sides of the same coin. That with you now being removed from his life, he will be forced to deal with his issues in the cold light of reality - a reality where he no longer has you to lie to, to cheat on, to disrespect. And the likely (but certainly not assured) outcome - that he'll come to his senses, and want to work on your M at some point.<p>Of course, my advice for if that happens is based on what I've learned, not based on personal experience - I'm not there yet. But I would guess you'd need to take it slowly and carefully. He's violated "no contact" before, so you'd be especially vulnerable - I realize that your trust is probably nearly destroyed. Is moving to a different city / state an option? Remember the POJA and radical honesty. If he violates no contact, he should be self-accountable, and in doing so, you should be able to freely talk about how you both plan to change your no contact policies to ensure they work "better", in the event of failures.<p>Personally, I'm going to be VERY strict in terms of what I need from my WW to come home to me, after I start Plan B. Those terms are going to ensure we put as much distance between us and OM that we possibly can.<p>And thanks for the good words about the letter - I had some help from my friends. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ February 16, 2002: Message edited by: J.R. ]</p>

Help! I'm weakening. I know he wants me and our kids back. See my earlier reply about putting him out on valentine's day, and writing the separation letter. My only mistake is that I told him he needs to work on our girls (18 and 14) rather than not communicating with them because of his continued guilt (2 yrs sneaking with woman from out of town), they will never have trust or him, me neither I'm sure. I know that in August I put him out only for a weekend, this time it is now over a week. He sees a therapist on Friday, and I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow to discuss this whole situation, I don't know what I put myself in this situation, I do love him, but why, he has cheated on me with this woman for 2 yrs, he can no longer have sex due to diabetes, I think, although he did with her in the earlier days, I've been with him for 31 yrs. I try so hard, but can't see that he works so hard at it or shows remorse. He swears that he has given up OW, and needs us. Why do some men not understand. How long is long enough to be separated. I know a weekend was too short, but does it have to be at least 6 months or so to make him beg even more. My H looks awful, he dropped off my 14 yo after getting her to go with him to eat this evening. I'm loosing it. Have you ever heard of writing a contract making him commit to give me 100% of all we own if he does htis again. Can't imagine he'd go for that but maybe. Help!<p>I'm 53, H is 58, kids 14 18 25<p>[ February 20, 2002: Message edited by: rollrbladr123 ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by rollrbladr123:
<strong>Help! I'm weakening. I know he wants me and our kids back. See my earlier reply about putting him out on valentine's day, and writing the separation letter. My only mistake is that I told him he needs to work on our girls (18 and 14) rather than not communicating with them because of his continued guilt (2 yrs sneaking with woman from out of town), they will never have trust or him, me neither I'm sure. I know that in August I put him out only for a weekend, this time it is now over a week. He sees a therapist on Friday, and I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow to discuss this whole situation, I don't know what I put myself in this situation, I do love him, but why, he has cheated on me with this woman for 2 yrs, he can no longer have sex due to diabetes, I think, although he did with her in the earlier days, I've been with him for 31 yrs. I try so hard, but can't see that he works so hard as I think he could at it or shows remorse. He swears that he has given up OW, and misses us and needs us. How long is long enough to be separated. I know a weekend was too short, but does it have to be at least 6 months or so to make him beg even more. My H looks awful, he dropped off my 14 yo after getting her to go with him to eat this evening. I'm losing it. Have you ever heard of writing a contract making him commit to give me 100% of all we own if he does this again. Can't imagine he'd go for that but maybe. Help!<p>I'm 53, H is 58, kids 14 18 25<p>[ February 20, 2002: Message edited by: rollrbladr123 ]</strong><hr></blockquote>