Sorry but I just learned that all this stuff exhisted and don't quite understand what it is about at this point. I was hoping that there are basic premises that have been found to work in situations of "infidelity". I have tried finding a basic site or post that explained them but not sure if I am even thinking correctly.<p> Does a basic premise exist for these "plans"?
If so what is it or where is it please.<p>:Quick synopsis: Married 10 years. Boys 8 and 5.
My job kept me away from home alot, not travel but long hours. (Radiology resident) Had what seemed to be normal up/down marriage. Hit a bigger bump last January and did counseling for communication. Thought we were cruising along fine then notice some calls on her cell phone bill that don't make sense. She says another man but ONLY TALKING. Not sure if real or not but taken at face value and believed. Had a bit of a tiff but she was completely emotionless. Nothing out of her and to this day very little information about what happened about anything much less this guy.<p>She quit wearing her wedding ring and we started counseling. She said that I was controlling and didn't know whether if I changed it would matter. She didn't know whether she wanted to continue the marriage but was there because she thought I "deserved a shot". She went alone and came back and essentially told me the next day that she wanted a divorce. All this over the course of a little over 2 weeks. No discussion about anything like this before.<p>I wanted to fight and yell, but just couldn't. I had read HN/HN and recognized that I had not been fulfilling her needs. I don't care about the affair. I just want her to love and be with me. <p>We discussed it a little bit and I said that I wouldn't fight it but that I wanted a long separation first. She seems to have agreed. She didn't come right out and say OK, but she didn't say NO either. I said I could stay in the house until our finances could be better handled. I am currently in the guest bedroom, but otherwise except for actual intimacy between us such as hugging and kissing we are pretty normal. <p>I have been trying to fulfill her needs as best I can one sidedly. But without the ability to actual touch her and give her affection it is very hard. I listen intently to her and do almost everything around the house such as housework.
She is fun and cordial and treats me well, but there is absolutely NO physical contact.<p>She once stated during this all that she was afraid she would revert to her old self and be right back in the controlled atmosphere. I don't know whether she is being hypervigilant in order to avoid this or whether there is more meaning. She did leave for a long time yesterday afternoon and came back MUCH happier. I wondered if she went to this guys house, but didn't ask. She said that it was only talk before, and said that she had cut it off and that it had been a bad mistake. But this was all before she ended up finally telling me she wanted a divorce. Now she may see it that she is free and can return to him, even in a more intimate role. This is what worries me.<p>Anyway I had posted on another board and they mentioned this Plan A and B stuff, but I still don't understand it. <p>ANY help and opinions would be great.
I don't care about the affair but want to keep her and my kids as a family. I love them all and think that I can truly make us all happy with the new things I have learned over the past three weeks.<p>Again ANY pointers or experiences or thoughts are appreciated. I am so lost right now...<p>[ February 04, 2002: Message edited by: I feel so lost... ]</p>

I just found the Plan A/B posting in the Q&A on the plans.<p>But now I am faced with whether I can plan something if we have somewhat agreed upon separation already. She has stated that she doesn't want to continue. And doesn't want to try again. Now I am left in the pickle of whether to continue staying in the house and continuing to show her how much I care or whether I should pick up and leave now. She just isn't in the mood to work on anything. She definitely appears to be in withdrawl. <p>We don't have any physical contact at all. We run around the house being very nice to each other. I work on fulfilling her ENs as much as I can in the situation, but know that I am getting only a miniscule amount of good from it because helping around the house has never been a problem for me. I do listen alot more to everything she says, but she has decreased what she talks about with me so that doesn't really seem to be helping that much either. Maybe I made a really big mistake by agreeing to the separation so quickly. I didn't want to make her feel as though I was going to fight her on every detail. And truthfully, if we do divorce I don't want to fight her. I love her and she is a good woman in spite of everything that has happened. If we are to be apart, I would like it to be as 2 friends with 2 great kids together. Not as enemies with 2 great kids. That is where I was coming from when I agreed. Actually she sort of told me that she didn't want to go on then she left the house. She came back later that evening and I initiated the response that I wouldn't fight her on this but I did ask for a long separation prior to the divorce to see what would happen. We also agreed that I would stay in the house until we were both more financially secure. I expect that with some hard work we could be secure within about 4 or 5 months. Maybe longer. <p>So Now I don't know how to approach this problem. Do I continue trying without the ability to try to fulfill her emotional needs of affection etc, that intimacy would bring, or do I shut her out and merely live here with the kids with her in another room? Or do I leave right now regardless of our finances, I think I could make them work regardless of now or later, would just be easier later? Or do I approach her again with information like the book His needs her needs? She didn't seem very receptive at all when she saw it the other day, but she didn't say no, just that she didn't want to try again. <p>I brought up the option of Retrouvaille and she seemed kind of ticked off and I don't think she ever said anything but started to get angry then said she didn't want to talk about it. That was before she came out and said that she didn't want to continue. That was before I found out about Marriagebuilders. This seems to make the most sense to me. If I have the chance to fulfill her needs then I am sure that I could with the understanding that I have gained since all this began. Those needs were not out of my grasp, just not on my mind. In fact they are so basic that all it would take is a little conscious effort for a bit and I know that they would become second nature. But I am afraid to say this because it might push her farther away than she already is.<p>Thaks for your time and responses. All sides and opinions welcome.<p>[ February 04, 2002: Message edited by: I feel so lost... ]</p>

I feel so lost... <p>Hi, welcome to the family, too bad we are a so disfunctional, but we can play well with others [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Sounds like you need to do a bit more reading here at MB, also a great article to help you understand whats going on with your WW, take a look at the link in my signature, I read it everyday, reminds me that I must be patient.<p>Plan A is all about you. You will only be able to meet the EN's that she allowsyou too. And the more you try the further away she will push you, as painful as it may seem the OM is meeting the EN's, it sucks but thats the way it is right now.<p>Use this time to start looking inward, reflect, and make personal change. These changes will take time, and the results are not immeadiate, although you may begin to feel them, she is not looking or thinking that your changes are of any use, partly because of your past history together and mostly because of the fog she is in.<p>Most importantly take care of youself and start giving yourself the time you need to heal. In my situation the changes I have been making are for me, not for anyone else, this is a key point that I think everyone will agree with, once you start healing yourself the burden of this will be lifted and your spirits will soar, then and only then will you really be able to make a difference in her life or yours.<p>Hang in there, everyday is one day closer to a life worth living with your spouse or without them. Keep posting, it helps to read your own words, the most insightful things I have learned are probably from my own posts.<p>Embrace change and keep looking for ways to become a man that anyone would respect, love, and want to be with. <p>There are many of us here that know what your going thru, keep us up to date and dont forget your not alone.