Good morning,<p>I have been on this site since early '99 and primarily post on the recovery boards. I am the BS and a big waffler! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My WS has had many EAs/PAs in the 2 years we've been married and I've finaly had enough. Usually it's on-line women who aren't local, but last year he brought it into our back yard and that's something I can't handle any longer. I won't get into the details, you can research my name and also I originally posted under LadyK.<p>Last night I asked my H to sleep in the other bedroom until we can sort everything through. My intent and goal of my Plan B is to divorce - not reconcile. It's sad because I do love my H and I really do think he loves me. He has issues that prevent him from committing to the marriage. A friend of mine wrote in an email to me recently For whatever the reason, this man is not married to you, not loving you. He has put you in the position of a parent child relationship- and he's behaving like a badly deliquent and disrespectful child at that. He never was married to you, well, that's not really far from the truth if you look at his actions, and actions do speak louder than words. Being married requires the ability to control your impluses better than a horny 14 year old when around the opposite sex.<p>I've known deep in my heart that my H could never be satisfied in a monogomous marriage and it's now time for me to let him go with love so as to protect myself from the torture of his choices.<p>I asked him to change all his passwords so I don't continue to be obsessed with checking up on him. It's only been a few hours (not even sure if he changed them yet), but I feel relaxed and calm already.<p>Thanks for being here for me!<p>God bless!
<><

Sorry to heard things havent worked out. I still truely believe if two people want to work on a marriage you can overcome anything. Unfortunately, you cant make the other person want to work on it.<p>Good luck, keep posting.<p>-HI

Free2BMe,<p>You have done everything you can F2, in order to recover your M. Even in the face of multiple d-days, new OW, potential OW, and an addiction that your H simply won't commit to beating, you have tried to be a model spouse. There comes a time when one realizes that there is nothing you can to to force the other spouse to change and without your SO making some major changes, you simply cannot accept being married to him. Your H has had hundreds of chances to commit to changing in word and deed, and he has broken hundreds of promises that seemed so positive.<p>I think you have every reason to move to plan B, F2, having followed the progression of your situation for over a year. I wish there was some other alternative, but truly you have tried them all. Unless there is a rabbit to pull out of some hat, I agree with you that there are no alternatives left. In any event, if such a rabbit existed, it would really be up to your H to find it and show it to you. He has simply not done that, ever.<p>I congratulate you on your decision. Be strong. I'll be thinking of you.<p>Hugs,<p>OneDay

Thank you both so much for the responses!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Unfortunately, you cant make the other person want to work on it.<hr></blockquote><p>Hangingin, I'm finally seeing this. I always believed him when he said he wanted our marriage and to use the MB guidelines. Yet over and over he shoved them in my face (so to speak) and rejected them. I see he just pacified me for a time.<p>I explained to him last night that as long as I allow him to disrespect our marriage he will continue along enjoying our life. I'm miserable and obsessed with what he's up to. I can't torture myself anymore. Even if he is 110% faithful from this point on, I will always ache from the damage and will never recover emotionally.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I congratulate you on your decision. Be strong. I'll be thinking of you.<hr></blockquote><p>Oneday, thank you for validating my decision. My friend said in the email that I seem to be seeking permission and I think that is true. I need to see this through the eyes of an outsider. I can trust in my instincts and be true to myself.<p>I feel strong and positive, but this is just the beginning. I really hope I can sustain my calm and not cave (which is our pattern).<p>God Bless!<p>[ February 05, 2002: Message edited by: Free2BMe ]</p>

Hi, Free,
So sorry to hear it has come to this - you and I have been on here a long while! Yet, there is a point, as you say, where you just have to take care of yourself and not wait around for WS to commit to the m...you have truly given it your all, so you have nothing to regret! You will probably find yourself in a happier place...
I may be there with you...who knows? I have a timeline..
Wishing you the best - please keep us updated on how you are doing. We will be thinking of you and are here whenever you need us!
Hugs,
S<p>[ February 05, 2002: Message edited by: sobelle ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sobelle:
<strong>I may be there with you...who knows? I have a timeline..</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Sobelle, yes, we have been here a long time. I don't intend on leaving as I will need everyone's support now more than ever.<p>Can you get into your plan here - I'm sorry I haven't followed your posts lately. I'm pretty much set on a divorce at this point! Any hopes for change has been shattered.<p>Thanks for your support now and in the past!<p>God bless!

Free,<p>I think you've earned the right to go to Plan B--several times over! You've done everything you can. I'm wishing you every success on a personal recovery, if not a marital one. Rooting for you, Hon.<p>God bless.

Leilana,<p>Thanks soooo much! I love your signature - No rain, no rainbows.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Free,
Sorry I missed this yesterday.

We ALL have a right and eventually a Duty to be happy. Because our stories (cause and effect) were so different I never really had much to offer you in the fight and never posted much. But I have somewhat followed your story and maybe now I have something to offer. <p>You have put up a great fight, my greatest hope for you is that you realize this in the future if times find you feeling sad. Never second guess yourself, never say what if, and never feel like you could have done more. Take pride in the battle you fought. Your not a waffler, your thorough. You took the time to be sure, you took the time to offer yourself, and you took the time needed to learn everything you now knoe about yourself, people, relationships and the world.<p>You took the time to be &#8220;Free2beU&#8221;&#8230;.and now that you are, I wish you luck, in your new world.<p>os<p>[ February 06, 2002: Message edited by: oswald ]</p>

Oh ,Os, you brought tears to my eyes. I have been sad today and I really needed your words today rather than yesterday.<p>Thank you for taking the time to respond and support me!

The games are surely going to begin again, it's going to be hard to stay strong no doubt, but I know that if real change were to occur, the biggest way you'll be able to know if if the games stop and a new sincerety sets in. <p>But, after reading your post, maybe it's too late for that. Unfortunately you guys never had a strong base of years to be able to go back and rebuild trust upon since he started this game before you were even married. Maybe you're right about not being able to recover with him. <p>But I know and I am sure that there are many positive things you can take from this. For one thing I'm sure you've learned tons about what type of relationship you do want, and how to make it last when you find it. You've learned you're strong, you are you know. Hanging in there through infidelity is not the easiest choice. You are strong, and you are kind and smart, and know how to be devoted. You know that people are who they are, and try as we might we cannot make them change, and to look at the next man for what he is, not what you wish he could be. When you find the man that is ready for that devotion, I think you'll have a lot to offer, and will know how to trully have the marriage you need and deserve. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>When you feel lonely, think about what it is you really are needing, really want, and stay strong until you find it, whether it be from him or someone else. Try to keep busy, and stay unavailable, that should help too. <p>Most important- try to get him out of the guest room asap. That is going to make it all the harder for you. You have a heart, you care, and I know you still have caring love for him, but if it's not the romantic, devoted love you need, if e is not capable of giving it at this time, which we all know he is not, it's going to be harder to break away from the cycle with him there in the house easily able to coax you back into his cycle of chaos he craves. <p>Maybe there is somewhere you could stay for a few days until he moves out? I think it's important given that you know how he is going to try to manipulate you to make the break.<p>Stay strong, and know I care and am here if you want to talk, vent, whatever.

Good morning, NY,<p>Thanks for the response - you word things so eloquently!<p>I did my workout last night and got home about 6:15 (usually home an hour earlier). I stopped and did a few errands (wash the disgusting salt ridden van) and I didn't feel the pull towards home. I usually race home to see him, but I felt at peace.<p>I didn't set the boundaries with him. He didn't go to his meeting which was scheduled for 7. I think he feels he needs to stay close.<p>My body is aching so badly on account of my running quite a bit. He asked if he could massage my calves and I said I didn't want him working himself up and he said - no strings attached. So I agreed and after my calves he did my back and arms - it felt so good for my achiness. Then he moved to my butt and next thing I know my pj bottoms are off. Anyway, I put them back on and he left the bedroom. So much for no strings.<p>He told me again this morning he missed me during the night and kissed me before leaving for work. He's trying to passionately kiss me and I keep pulling away. I need to set the boundaries soon. I just keep envisioning him kissing his coworker.<p>I'm feeling stronger today. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I know that if real change were to occur, the biggest way you'll be able to know if if the games stop and a new sincerety sets in.<hr></blockquote><p>NY, this is a great statement and I will hold onto this. It's true that what comes of the games, good or bad, will tell me a lot.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Maybe there is somewhere you could stay for a few days until he moves out? I think it's important given that you know how he is going to try to manipulate you to make the break.<hr></blockquote><p>There really isn't any where I can stay. My family and close friends live about 30 minutes north of me and it would take me an hour to get to work. As long as I set the boundaries, I think I'll be okay.<p>He asked last night about the portrait we just had taken for Christmas (we had a family one and one of the two of us) - he asked who would take it and I commented that if I kept it at least it wouldn't be in the closet (meaning his new gfs would get upset seeing it and he'd have to put it away). His comment was I think you'll be very surprised with me. You'll be able to stop by at any hour and I'll be alone. Hmmmmm...<p>Okay - this is getting wordy and probably to much information.<p>I appreciate all the wonderful responses of support and encouragement!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Free2...
GREAT job at drawing the line! Though, Free my friend,the massage probably wasnt the best idea. Try to limit physical interaction, maybe you should work on the boundries with us here on the board so you can insitute them. For yourself, think of it like work.. all those silly HR rules. Anything remotely overt would be considered sexual harassment at work. Hows that? Hope that helps.<p>You not only CAN do this you WILL. Remember that!
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
-HI<p>Here are some guidelines I found online which are a workplace's definition of sexual harassment. Not of course to be used word for word, but it may help you get started:
1) Sexual harassment is offensive sexual behavior by persons in authority towards those who can be benefitted or injured in an official capacity. Therefore, it is primarily an issue of abuse of power, not sex.
**This sort of applies in your case right? Your H has a "position of authority" in your life now I think by your description.<p>2) Sexual harassment is a breach of a trusting relationship that should be a sex-neutral and relaxed situation.It is unprofessional conduct and undermines the integrity of the employment relationship.<p>**Remove employement and I think that fits perfectly.<p>3) Sexual harassment is coercive behavior, whether implied or actual. It is unwanted attention and intimacy in a nonreciprocal relationship.<p>**This maybe what you are calling for right?<p>The University of Maryland at College Park defines sexual harassment as:<p>(1) "unwanted sexual advances;
(2) unwelcome requests for sexual favors; and
(3) other behavior of a sexual nature <p>
Ok.. its a little extreme. Don't mean to get over the top [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] but you seemed to be having trouble getting started so this could give you some ideas. If you come up with guidelines, make sure your write them down! It will help both of you understand them.<p>[ February 07, 2002: Message edited by: HangingIn ]</p>

HI - <p>I didn't realize you had responded. I'm the biggest waffler you'll meet on these boards! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I've been thinking I may have to save extra and go to a spa once a month for that massage. Masages are my #1 EN! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Tonight we are getting into an in-depth conversation as to how this is all going to work out.<p>Thanks for the support and kick in the pants! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ February 11, 2002: Message edited by: Free2BMe ]</p>