I've been writing and editing this letter since the end of 2000. I've taken out a lot of disrespectful judgements and LBs. Your comments are greatly appreciated...<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>November 7, 2000<p>September 20, 2001<p>February 6, 2002<p>Dear WS,<p>I can&#8217;t tell you how much it breaks my heart to be writing this letter. I wanted nothing else on this earth more than to be your wife.<p>It is very clear to me that I cannot go on in this marriage. I&#8217;m losing respect and faith in you as each day passes and I don&#8217;t want to lose more. I need to preserve what little love I have stored for you and the only way to do that is to break all ties.<p>Well, it&#8217;s almost a year and a half since I started this letter and I&#8217;m right back to this. I have so many questions and thoughts of disbelief going on in my head that it&#8217;s hard to concentrate.<p>I don&#8217;t look forward to the task at hand &#8211; I&#8217;ve wanted to be your wife since I met you and this is very hard for me. Knowing you&#8217;re not who you portray yourself to be weighs so deeply on my heart and I&#8217;m sad, I think, more than angry. <p>I do wish you well in your life, WS, don&#8217;t ever think that I don&#8217;t. I hope you can find yourself and unwedge your heart from the vice you always seem to get it into (to borrow your words). I will always love you!<p>I would like you to look for a new place to live and move out as soon as possible. We are only delaying the inevitable by thinking we might rebuild this marriage with a temporary separation. The damage has been done and the only rebuilding will be that of our individual healing.<p>I need space right now as we go through this process. We both know this dance all too well and I wish to break our pattern. Please respect my need for you to keep your distance. I have made my decision and wish to move forward. <p>I don&#8217;t want to trap you &#8211; so I&#8217;m setting you free! I release you and free myself now &#8211; be happy!<p>All My Love,
~ BS ~<hr></blockquote>

Free.
As far as I can see it looks good. The only thing I can think of is I don't know if you want to sound more confident or add a line to give more finality to the M that you really are looking for.
Did you want to better define your boundries or space you need in the meanwhile? It might take a while for him to leave and you said you have a hard time sticking to your guns when he hugs or kisses you or says I love you.<p>God it makes my heart ache to read that, I hope i never have to write one.<p>
-HI

Hi,<p>You are a godsend to me these days - thanks for being around!<p>I don't know how to define the boundaries. I hesitate because I know he'll pull away with games (making me jealous, possibly saying mean things). I know it's his game, but at one point a year ago he was very manipulative and abused me emotionally. Once I told him what he was doing he has been good about it (it's been a year or so).<p>When I first talked with him the other night I explained that I thought we were in a good place and could work through this on friendly terms and without trying to hurt each other.<p>I just don't know how to act. Do I still expect him home for dinner? Do I keep him apprised of my schedule?<p>He had his 14-year-old son last night and he told me he told him what was happening. I was upset he did this - I know his son will tell his 12-year-old brother and it will get to my kids before I have a chance. He said he swore his oldest son to secrecy and we decided to tell them all this weekend. I have to work Saturday and I fear my boys will find out when I'm not there. He said he had to tell his son to explain why he was sleeping in his room.<p>Thank you for the support!

Free,
I work in front of PC all day, so I am usually around. I am figuring things out too, but I hope my advice has a little bit of merit.<p>re: boundries. What do you think you need in terms of space, say it in your own words here first at least. Brainstorm on the board, we'll help you sort it out. No idea is silly. What could he do or would you want him to do to help you get through this or stregthen your resolve? Use those ideas and narrow them down to an idea.<p>re: games. If your intention is to end it, just let his immaturity fuel you. Remember you should really start now on your independance. You need to try to be strong enough for both of you, that applies to plan A,b,c,d or whatever I think. He can only play games with your emotions if you play along. Plan B is forced withdrawl from YOU. So expect some attempts to shake your resolve while he realizes how much he has been depending on you. Just throw yourself into making YOUR life better. Find a hobby or something else to keep busy. I know its not quite as easy to do as it is for me to say. <p>How to act:
Be civil, I guess. If your course of action is to end things and have a D like you said, well perhaps you should concentrate more on living like roommates than H&W. Would you expect a roomie for every dinner? maybe sometimes but live for yourself, not for him. let him wonder about your schedule, he's the WS shouldnt he be telling you HIS? remember your signin free2bme right? <p>regarding the kids.. ick. sorry Im not a parent I dont have much advice there. Kids have a way of finding things out anyway. If they do find out make sure they have someone to talk to. it is important.

Hello again,<p>I work in front of a PC all day, too, but I'm not suppose to be here . [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It's funny you mention to remember my name Free2BMe! Oswald also made a note about that in other thread.<p>It's hard because as much as I want this (need this to remain sane) I don't want it. Does that make sense? I still love him, but I know we'll never be happy in this marriage.<p>He told me yesterday that it hurt him when I went out one Friday night with a friend (an old OW of his) and I was out until 2 am. He never mentioned it bothered him, but I know he's been afraid I'll have a revenge affair. He also told me it bothers him that I'm working out all the time and getting tone and fit. But he doesn't talk to me about his feelings, thoughts or emotions. He used to before we were married. He'd cry and talk and confide, but now nothing. 7 months after we were married we had a huge fight and he said he'll never love me like he once did (before he thought I had an EA when we were engaged). I never did, but we've never been right since then.<p>I guess I fear he'll start dating before he leaves, but I have to tell myself that he has been all along so what's the diff.!<p>Again, thanks for being here for me!

Hmm that would be a nice job.. get paid to post on MB. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I know what you mean. Neither way is easy, both are going to hurt. just try to stay strong! It hurt him when YOU went out?! It upsets him that you are getting fit?! that sounds a TAD controling if you ask me. If where the heck was he worrying about YOUR feelings when he was with OW? anyhow.<p>Stay your course if you have decided on it. It sounds like you have. <p>Chin up, eyes forward, head up!
Good luck =)

HI,<p>Thank you!<p>How are things with your WW? Your signature says no contact in 3 weeks - how has that been? My WH has never been emotionally bound to the OW(men) in his life. Not sure if that is a good thing or not.<p>I wish you continued success in your recovery!

Free...
I don't want to hijack your thread =)
Things are going ok but I wonder if they are going TOO well. I have a post over in the recovery section. <p>I think its good that your H never had an EA. It makes thing so hard when you are trying to recover lost love as well as watching out for the PA. I don't know if you ever went this route in your older posts, but if your H really loves you has he ever considered counseling to see why he keeps cheating? maybe sexual or other addiction or trauma or older emotional duress he is working through?

I'll check out your thread on the recovery board!<p>We have been in and out of counseling since before we married. I guess that in itself was a red flag.<p>My H keeps using the excuse that he was abused as a child by his mother. I was sympathetic for years, but ya know, he'll go to counseling and stop when it gets hairy. I don't think he wants to let go of the past - he uses it to gain sympathy from women. He also would tell them that I left him and we were divorced or separated. He just needs constant affection and that newly in love feeling. No matter what I do he will never be satisfied (that from our pastor).<p>He went through drug rehab (out patient) a year or two before we met. I have never seen him in the throes of his addiction, but I do think he is a sex addict on some level.<p>He has had a few EAs, but once I found out and confronted the woman he would move on. One woman was very attached to him and they talked, emailed and IMd regularly for months. They never met, but it hurt her to end contact. He on the other hand moved right along without a blink.<p>This is good to relive the past 2 years - it makes me angry and able to stay the course!<p>I hope you are having a great day!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

You leaving him (plan B or permanently) can only help him realize his actions have consequences. You've tried so long and hard hun I think its time to stop caring about him and take more pride and care in yourself. <p>remember the saying: Everyday above ground is a good day!
I guess that explains why miners are always crabby

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by HangingIn:
<strong>You leaving him (plan B or permanently) can only help him realize his actions have consequences. You've tried so long and hard hun I think its time to stop caring about him and take more pride and care in yourself. <p>remember the saying: Everyday above ground is a good day!
I guess that explains why miners are always crabby</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I hear you! Thanks.