Is there something between Plan A and Plan B? For instance, I am in Plan A. Everyone keeps saying I am being too nice. However, my H comes over 2 nights a wk to be with kids. He picks them up, takes them to eat, and spends 2 hours in house playing with them. It is hard to see him acting if nothing happened. It tears me up inside. I try stay out of the house if possible. What is your opinion if for 2 weeks I don't see H? Let my parents be at house when he bring kids back or comes over to play. Can this be done? Absence makes the heart grow fonder or the out of site out of mind? Please give me your opinion.

I would say that absence makes the heart grow fonder only if there was total absence ie forcing OW to meet all of WH's needs.<p>If you are going to Plan A then I'd try to spend as much time around WH as he'd let me so that he can see the changes that you are making - otherwise there is no reason to be in Plan A.<p>Remember Plan A lays the ground work for Plan B.<p>Also, it may help the WH to get to know you and see you on a different light. If he gets comfortable talking to you then he will start seeing changes and then when you can't take it anymore you can go to Plan B.<p>What you are suggesting is more like something from divorce busting. Trying to make him wonder about your new life etc. If you spend more time with WH than OW or at least a significant amount of time with WH, the OW will probably get jealous and could possibly LB - which is what you want. WH could also be reminded about the happy famiy life he left and he may want to come back - or he'd at least have good feelings about you when the A dies.<p>Just some thoughts. I know Plan A is HARD! It's not for wimps, but remember to FOCUS, and remember that WH has an addiction now and that you love the person who is under that addicitiuon.
K

I think you are still new in plan a, and should continue... you can plan a with boundaries.. this is what I am doing.. I will not allow disrespectful behavior etc.. to me... at all... but I am making him happy around me and making love depostits as much as I can... I know it is hard... are you on antidepressants...? t hat can help... please try for a while.. it will start to make sense...also do you have an Individual counselor and supportive friends, come here for support.. but reach out for more... I will ck on you.. I am in same boat... H pretends like nothing happened and it breaks my heart.<p>Hugs, HONEY

schurt,<p>I asked this same question myself. Steve Harley told me there is no middle ground. It's either plan A or plan B. Since my W and I are still living together, plan B isn't an option. You are fairly new to this and usually plan A is recommended for at least 6 months. I know it's hard, but 6 weeks is not nearly enough time for you to work on you or for your WS to notice your changes. If you want your marriage, buckle in for the long haul, and when your H comes to see the kids, be there and be the best YOU possible. <p>sad dad

I'm reading a truly awesome book called Hope For The Separated. I can't think of the author's name right now, but it is great. I plan on posting a few brief excerpts from the book tonight or tomorrow - a couple of quotes that truly struck me.<p>It sounds as though you are hoping to reconcile and this book is Biblically geared for that reunion.<p>I wish you continued success in your healing and recovery!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Free2BME, I hope to see your posts- My counselor who says he knows the MB concepts and has been to 4 conferences... he is not steverh, but claims to endorse and use MB principles says plan a is not about letting spouse take advantage of you... that is why I say plan a with boundaries.. my situation is even harder because I have an alcoholic spouse.. which makes him very unpredictable and abusive at times... so this is where i am coming from on my boundaries... but I still say, when they talk aobut op, or flaunt it in your face, or blatantly disrespect you, be nice, but remove yourself from the pain... do not sit there and take it, politely get off the phone, or leave the room, or go somewhere elese if you have to... It is hard... my first attempt on the phone with avoiding abuse last week, was to hang up on him.. well he took that as an lb... so next time I will politely say... I cannot be talkedt o this way, so I have to go... goodbye... instead of just the dial tone- funny, even when you are trying to protect yourself , you lb, when they are really in deep fog... or alcoholism, makes it worse.<p>Hugs, honey

The author of Hope For The Separated is Gary Chapman. I believe he touches on alcoholic/ abusive situations.<p>I'll be sure to post an excerpt tomorrow!<p>I went to al-anon in November 2000 because my H disappeared for 2 days saying he had a drug relapse. I learned a lot about detaching with love in those meetings. But I always knew in my heart his disappearance had to do with a woman and 6 months later he confessed he'd flown out of state to meet a woman he met on the internet and shared a 2 month highly sexually explicit email relationship before planning to meet. He says she never showed, but my instincts tell me far different.<p>Anyway, that'll all be behind me soon!<p>Good luck and keep up the great work in protecting yourself!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Free2BMe:
<strong>I'm reading a truly awesome book called Hope For The Separated.
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>The author is Gary Chapman and it is truly an awsome book! I read it over and over during our separation and each time it revived me!! My copy is written in, tear stained, highlighted, and about worn out!<p>I recommend this book to every separated couple!!<p>I praise God that my husband and I are finally in true recovery. Through prayer, and answers from our awsome God, he was finally convicted by the Holy Spirit. My husband is an incredible person who I didn't even recognize this past year. Now he is back and if is salvation is what this whole affair was all about, then PRAISE THE LORD!!!<p>You are in my prayers!!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Moving Forward:
<strong>The author is Gary Chapman and it is truly an awsome book! I read it over and over during our separation and each time it revived me!! My copy is written in, tear stained, highlighted, and about worn out!<p>I recommend this book to every separated couple!!</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Unfortunately my copy belongs to a man my H works with. He was my H's accountability partner for a few months last year and I've confided in him each backward step last year. Next month we attend this man's wedding!<p>I'm glad someone else has read the book and recommends it! I wish you continued success in your healing and recovery, moving forward!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ February 11, 2002: Message edited by: Free2BMe ]</p>