People in my life (and this site) have suggested to me that I did not plan A enough. I would like to know how many people were successful with their plan A attempts.<p>A quick bit of background:
Less than year into marriage, WW had A, 2nd A she has had (1st with me).
A has been going on the majority of our marriage.
WW asked me to move out so she could continue A (I was not aware of the reason).
I refused, we went counseling, I eventually learned of the A by catching them together.
WW told everyone that it was over (but continued the A).
I started plan A the day I learned of the A. WW was living with me and still having the A. I learned of this and moved to plan B (after three weeks).
On the day my WW moved out, she stated that she intended to build a relationship with the OM (even though we were still married - though she did not feel as though we were and that it was OK since we were seperated). WW stated that kissing OM did not constitute a relationship.<p>----<p>This is water under the bridge now, but how did any of you do a plan a with the knowledge that your WS was still living with you and was a cake eater? How did you rebuild yourself and make yourself happy when you knew that you WS was spending the night with the OP?<p>I have read SAA and frankly, I don't know how the guy did it for six months without getting resentful and without feeling completely rejected and unloved.

The guy was able to do it for that long because if you remember his WW got her own place. It wasn't in his face on a daily basis.<p>I've been on this site for a long time and honestly haven't seen just Plan A do it for the majority of people. Jenn Harley has stated herself that most people can't do a GOOD Plan A for more than 6 weeks so don't feel badly about a short Plan A. A good short Plan A is better than a long drawn out poor Plan A.<p>People don't change when they are comfortable. We change because we are motivated by an uncomfortable situation. Facing the natural consequences of chosing to have an affair is uncomfortable because in reality no one gets to have their spouse and a lover too. Unless of course a spouse is willing to live sharing their beloved married partner. I guess this works for some people but not the majority. That is why Plan B helps to dim some of the fantasy of an affair. It's not comfortable for most WS to have their spouse stop meeting ALL of their ENs. Most fence sit because they know deep down inside that there really is something worth saving in the marriage. It just feels too good in the affair to do the hard work it will take to make the marriage better. So they continue as long as there is no reality interjected that says they just might lose that marriage if they don't stop their poor behavior.<p>It is also possible to Plan A while separated. This allows you to maintain your self respect, distance yourself from the agony, work on yourself, making the changes you need to.Most WS and BS have plenty of contact in a separation so WS gets to see the new and improved you, realize and acknowledge your Plan A, and you get the chance to be loving and understanding (thus making LB deposits)of their dilema without appearing needy or clingy. It also allows your WS to experience what it will be like to be without you while you become a better you. It's not all about them anymore.It's a fantasy buster for a WS to find out that there are some needs an OP just isn't as good at meeting as BS is. A separation is a catalyst for change. I think it's a catalyst that gives a positive outcome no matter what, especially after you have just about reached the end of your rope in Plan A. A separation prepares you regardless of the outcome of your marriage.It is easier to ease into Plan B when a separation that has included Plan A has been in place. If you divorce you are further along on your path to living life for yourself. If you reconcile you have the assurance that WS really knows what it's like to be without you, that they've felt that reality and are thus less likely to revisit that place again somewhere down the road.<p>Remember Plan A is for YOU to become a better you. All this does is give you some influence on your WS it does not give you any control. From what I have seen here over the years, that influence ALONE is RARELY enough to pursuade a WS to commit to the marriage.Don't be misled by thinking Plan A alone was designed to save your marriage.The harley plan is a TWO part plan. Too often the other half of the plan(B)is dismissed as being either too hard or too scary but it is part of the plan. Plan A is about saving and building a better YOU regardless of the outcome of your marriage.Good luck to you!

What an outstanding post. Thank you for your insight. I feel really good about being part of Plan A, knowing that I will come out of this a better person regardless of the outcome of the M.

Wow, great post!<p>That is where I think I am now, plan a from a distance. I never did implement plan b (fully).<p>Thanks for your insight. It does make me feel much better about the decisions I have made. I have continued to make myself a better person (and the WW has acknowledged such) and will continue to do so -- it was simply much easier to do so without, as you said, having it in my face on a daily basis (@$#*&^* that was horrible!).<p>It is also good to know that for most, plan a is not enough. I don't feel like the odd man out.

I am still trying to plan A (6 mo now.)<p>Actually in Jan WS said that I am a better person now. But still can't stop seeing OP. <p>Why do I keep it up? Because WS is VERY good at not shoving the A in my face, and yet not lying when I do have a Q. And one of my top EN's is (I forget the Harley name) my S being a good parent. And that is still being met in spite of the A. And if WS leaves (as part of plan B) and does come back, the kids will still suffer from that break.<p>And because I know I can't yet be consistent and any plan B I tried would be waffly and thus not effective.<p>It's amazing what a person can get used to!

Oh, but in answer to the topic, maybe plan A isn't working - after all, A is still going on...<p>If you can do a firm, nonhostile plan B, don't let people knock on you for the length of your A, they are not in your shoes!

I agree. Each situation is different. And depending on how you plan A, and your personality, the WS's personality and so on, then the results will differ.
I just finished plan A-ing my way back to reunion with my boyfriend of 4 and a half years. I think it was easier for me because we were long distance. So I had the physical space to work on myself - on becoming a better person. The person I would want to be with.
But what I like about the Harley plan is that it sets out the basic concepts and you can implement it in your own way.