Well, I was (?) doing well in Plan A, but H is really hinting at a total reconciliation. My insides are screaming, NO, NO, NO, not yet!! Everything is not resolved, I do not trust him right now, and I am still hurt and guarded. What's next? I'm going to read the articles again. I'm lost all of a sudden. I was doing well, and so were the kids. This has been so much work! I'm not ready yet! Any advice would be greatly appreciated. JK [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Everything is not resolved, I do not trust him right now, and I am still hurt and guarded. <hr></blockquote><p>What exactly has not been resolved? Why are you hurt? Why don't you trust him? Has he had an A?<p>I have been going through Plan A myself. Besides reading MB articles 'regularly', I was trying to research what other psychologists and counsellors had to say on the salvageability of marriages after infidelity.
What I've learned, is that a relationship can be salvaged, if the WS has some true regret/remorse for what he did, empathy/understanding for what the BS is going/has gone through and a plan for not becoming vulnerable to an A again. <p>I would encourage you to talk with him about these feelings of hurt, unease and lack of trust. It's ok that you don't trust him.Trust, will take time to build up. And to rebuild.
The first step on your part however, is to decide if you can forgive him. Without forgiveness, the whole thing just won't fly.<p>Have you and your partner gone through the ENQ?

JustKay,<p>It seems that your H is ready to work on M and has asking you. What you do is be open with him and let him know what he needs to do to make you feel save in this M. Do not hold back. If he is willing you should take it since it seems you want to save your M too. This is the time of POJA. If you are not comfortable, call MB, get conseling from them. The road to recovery is very narrow but the reward is a lifetime fullfiling M. W/ OC in the picture it is a bit different in ending the affairs but H has to plan B'ng OW. Read SAA and follow the steps.<p>God Bless you and may God grants you and guide you in rebuilding your M.

Thank you! H and I have worked through discussions based on ENQ. He had a brief physical affair that resulted in OC, he is not emotionally attached to OW. He does not want contact with OW or OC. We have been separated and have filed for divorce, mostly to separate finances and for me to get on solid ground. I feel that we have made a lot of progress since Oct, and we both want to be in a relationship. However, it seems that there are several things we want to do differently. I am not ready to stop the divorce and have him move back in. I do want us to be separated legally and financially until he resolves all issues with OW and OC. I will not be able to rebuild trust until I know that communication and contact is finished with OW. If he chooses to continue contact, then I cannot work on M. I was feeling so good, but things are moving slowly with OW and H is wanting too much to happen too quickly. I will return to my reading - Thank you again for your support. I needed a boost [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] JK

JustKay,<p>Do you tell him your term of no contact and other terms for you to feel safe in having him back ?. Tell H exactly what you post here ... things are moving slowly with OW and H is wanting too much to happen too quickly ... Tell H what you feel, let him work on it ... Let him plan A'ng you ... LOL !!!. Let him prove it w/ actions. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Okay. My mind is racing. H seems to have the appropriate feelings to work on M. He regrets the A, not only for me, but for our children. Again, it was not emotional for him, so he is prepared for no contact. He lived with OW when he left us, and experienced "life" with her, not just the "honeymoon." He has been able to see more objectively what we had together. We have worked through some Q&A and had some good conversations about what was good in our M that we took for granted and what we never said we wanted from the other. I do love him, and I want us to be a family. I have just learned so much about myself in the 8 months we've been separated. I gave up so much "for him." I did so little for myself. He also sees now how I've been in those 8 months. I have a new job that's going very well. I've lost 35 pounds. I have a new hairdo. I even get to take a shower every day! I am a much more relaxed and enjoyable person. In the M, the big issue is of course the trust. I know that will come. Personally I am also concerned about losing ME again. I had no idea how much I had changed in 5 years! He was so jealous and possessive; I became so withdrawn. He now claims to be more undersatnding of how that affected me and even caused me to withdraw from him. He was also so paranoid about anyone knowing how "wonderful" I was that he criticised me to even his closest friends to ensure that no one would "like" me. I have actually been more calm during our separation. He says the house is cleaner and I look better. I don't know if I'm strong enough to let him back in yet. The children really are adjusted pretty well. They don't really understand that the separation may be permanent. I've told him that I expected us to separate for a year or two and then come back together. I did not however expect OC. I am still angry at him for allowing that to happen. I know it would be easier to end if there were no OC. I'm angry right now just thinking about it. I need more time for me and to regain some confidence in him and see some action from our conversations. We're seeing each other tomorrow for dinner. I need to be strong, and I need to give myself more time. I know that I can forgive him. I know that he is remorseful. I need to know that OW/OC is done. How should I respond to him until he takes care of that? I am really not comfortable moving any further until I know that's done. He has asked about that, and I want to give him a fair answer tomorrow. Back to the books! Thanks again, Anise and redhat. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Feeling better, and I will stay strong!