confused_guy<p>What follows is not intended to hijack your 'thread' and I would ask that members do not address any issues raised by my input. If you would like to advise me you will find a topic under emotional needs. 'Help-Restoring Hope in a Partner'.<p>You have just articulated my own situation almost to a 'T'. What follows may provide some encouragement, though not any happy ending at this time.<p>I too have recieved the conflicting messages which lead me to conclude that my W does have love for me somewhere 'inside' her and there is hope for our relationship.<p>She tells me 'You are a wonderful guy' 'you are a great father' {2 children 10yr relationship) 'It is not fair to keep you in this relationshipp when I cannot give you what you need' - she means a physical relationship.<p>She too talks about the need to 'find out who she really is' 'needing space', not loving me 'as a wife should'.<p>Although no affair I suppose I have been plan A'ing for about 5 months. Very exhausting and emotionally draining, with littel reward. Friends tell me I should move out and let her feel the reality of what she is doing, let her see some consequences for her actions (Still pondering).<p>I believed that while we were living together there was an opportunity to heal the relationship, so have stayed and Plan A'd. Like you I could see that my W would adapt to life on her own if I moved out and just get on with it. while I would lose the opportunity to work on the relationship and what we had would be over.<p>I felt as though I was dealing with soemone who is suffering from low self esteem and also something of a mid-life crisis (weight gain, recent epilepsy, father dying of cancer, loss of identity through having children, mild depression perhaps, lack of feelings etc). Like you I feel as though our relationship and myself in particular are being held to account/blame for the state of her life.<p>I really do not know if the time and effort I have put in over the last months has had any effect. Recently she said (as I moved into another bedroom) 'I am not throwing you out of the bedroom. I'm not uncomfortable with you being there.' Later she added 'When I am with you it's not as if I want to be somwhere else'.<p>When I think back to October (and seeing this in writing) I realise the situation has actually improved. In fact as my intentiom initially was to get J to feel that the home environment (with me in it) is a good place to be and a safe place, then perhaps that has been achieved.<p>She would now like us to stay together 'as friends and parents' going our different ways as we want, she even told me if I wanted to I could go and have sex with other women. (I spoke with a good friend - female - who had told her husband exactly the same, she meant it at the time but not to be hurtful. I asked what would have happened if he had actually taken her up on it. 'It would have closed the door' she said'<p>'Its not fair on you and its only natural for you to have needs'she says. We have not had a physical relationship for over two years.<p>So, we are still living together, we get on well as friends and parents and the situation could go on pretty much indefinetely. This could become a marriage of convenience. <p>I do not know yet how to move on from here. It may be useful for you to consider what you will do next if you find yourself in this situation, I do not know. I am still looking for some commitment by my W to make our relationship work, it appears to be the tougest nut to crack. <p>It may be that one thing cannot come before the other but perhaps with expert help you could work on gaining her commitment to make the relationship work, while at the same time 'finding her new self'. Maybe you have more faith and confidence in her love for you and can 'let her go' in the hope she will return to you. Maybe she would love you more for giving her freedom, who knows.<p>I hope I have not detracted from your issues. Again, out of respect for your own personal situation I would sincerley ask that those issues identified in my input are not picked up by others here.<p>Bets of luck.<p>Yours sincereley AlanR.
