I posed this question on the EN forum and have not had any luck...<p>I read where Mike C2 told someone that waiting 6 months to do a relationship check is too long. So, my question is...if bringing up the relationship is a LB then how and when do I check in without LBing? It was like pulling teeth to get him to talk about what was bothering him in the first place. He hates to talk about the deep issues. <p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Espie,<p>Bring in relationship is not an LB however you have to think first how you are going to bring it up and the follow up conversations ... Check if it is angry outburst, check if you bring it up w/ disrespectful judgements, check if you keep nagging on the same issues such that it becomes annoying behavior, check if you have selfish demand motives and do not lie.<p>Choose your word carefully so that H is not defensive about it ... just ask him. It is called open communication [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . If H refuses, you have to drop it ... or else you will be LB in annoying him.<p>Find a good time where H is in a good mood.

...in my case bringing up the relatioship is a LB. My H is very non-confrontational and would never overtly get angry...he'll just withdraw and become even more distant for a week or so. I don't think I have any selfish demands I just want to know where he's at. He's so polite that I never know what's going on in that head of his. I get mixed signals most of the time. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>If H refuses, you have to drop it <hr></blockquote><p>So I guess I should just wait for him to come to me? It is much more comfortable for him to not have to discuss any relationship biz, so, I doubt he will ever bring it up. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Find a good time where H is in a good mood. <hr></blockquote><p>If I did bring it up then he would just close down and I will ruin his mood. <p>I guess that's my answer. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Espie,<p>Leave your H alone, I know it feels forever to wait WS to open their mouth, to date my W won't go there at all. As a martian, H rather be left alone for now.<p>Do you have anyone that is close to H ?. After they "talk" ask them about it. SH send me to talk to BIL and see what W says about me or M.<p>[ February 21, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Something you could also do that me and my WW do:<p>We schedule a specific time to talk about "us" and a specific time to talk about "them." We don't talk about it outside of those times unless we both agree (which basically means we won't talk about it outside of those times because I don't want to pressure her otherwise).<p>The important thing about the times we set aside is that we allow for us to spend time together afterwards that would be enjoyable. Asking my WW questions about "them" makes her miss him in many cases due to the memories. This Sunday, we will have a question time for "them" and we will attend church right after that. Church gives her reinforcement that he was not the right man for her and that she should be with me instead.<p>It is very important that any discussion occur in a non-treatening manner, that your spouse feels safe being HONEST with you. This means that you CANNOT have a negative reaction to any of it. That does not mean that you can't feel hurt but you cannot take out that hurt/anger/frustration on him. When he is honest, smile (if possible) and thank him for sharing his feelings and for being honest with you.<p>Men have to be trained some times. You are training him to behave a certain way. Much like a pet, if he does what you wish (having a discussion), you need to reward him with kindness. If you are training a pet and they do an OK job at something but don't get it quite right, you still reward them a little. You don't train a pet (well at least I hope most don't) with negative reinforcement.<p>I think once he feels safe to tell you things without you reacting in a manner taht he feels is harmful, he will be more willing to share those feelings.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Longing:
<strong>Men have to be trained some times. You are training him to behave a certain way. Much like a pet, if he does what you wish (having a discussion), you need to reward him with kindness. If you are training a pet and they do an OK job at something but don't get it quite right, you still reward them a little. You don't train a pet (well at least I hope most don't) with negative reinforcement.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ... I could mistaken you as Venusian ... right on the money.

Heheh, I know I am like a pet. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Tell me I am a "good boy" and "pet me" and I'll do lots of tricks. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Longing:
<strong>It is very important that any discussion occur in a non-treatening manner, that your spouse feels safe being HONEST with you. This means that you CANNOT have a negative reaction to any of it. That does not mean that you can't feel hurt but you cannot take out that hurt/anger/frustration on him. When he is honest, smile (if possible) and thank him for sharing his feelings and for being honest with you.<p>I think once he feels safe to tell you things without you reacting in a manner taht he feels is harmful, he will be more willing to share those feelings.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>You are right...in the past all of our discussions have always ended up with my crying. I don't do it to be manipulative...I couldn't help it. And I know that is a negative reaction and makes H feel very guilty and like just running away. Besides last time we spoke about the state of our relationship he said that he has said all that there is to say. And I feel that is probably true...I just want to hear that something new and positive has transpired since he seems so much more at ease now. <p>Since I have begun Plan A (just over a month ago) I do my crying alone while he is at work and when he comes home I give a smile and a "hi sweetie, how was your day?". There has been no relationship discussion since I began Plan A. I guess I'm just getting ansy and like redhat said it feels like forever. I can be a very impatient person. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Do you have anyone that is close to H ?. After they "talk" ask them about it.<hr></blockquote><p>redhat...I don't think he opens up to anyone. He is a very funny and light hearted guy (for the most part) and hates to bring up anything that will dampen the spirit...if he can avoid it.<p>Thanks for your support...I will continue to "leave him alone"!!!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>[ February 21, 2002: Message edited by: Espie ]<p>[ February 21, 2002: Message edited by: Espie ]</p>

Espie,<p>I can completely understand your frustration. I am now 5 weeks post D-Day, and we at first talked a lot about our relationship. Over the last few weeks the discussions have died off, and I don't want to keep bringing them up. I would like him to bring it up, but that doesn't seem to be happening. We're talking a lot more than before, but just not about the relationship.<p>I think the advice to set certain times to discuss the relationship is one I'm going to try. <p>Sorry I don't have much advice - just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one!!