I can't believe this one. I had to post this by itself as I did not want it to get overlooked.<p>I sent H an email with the list of To Do Items for our D's B-day. He responded <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> <hr></blockquote>
Got the list. Do you want me to do all the running around, or is there certian things you were planning on doing. I'm definately ordering the cake what about the others. Let me know. I will probably not be over tonight,
but definately on friday and saturday morning. I hope that is ok?
I don't even know why I'm going to type this, but do you think we can talk on friday? I don't mean in a bad "take care of business" way, but more in an "us" way. I've been doing some thinking and I've beenn wondering what you have been thinking also. Respond back and let me know before hand. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> <hr></blockquote><p>Well, what do I do. I understand that this is not supposed to be done quickly and I don't want him to think I am going to just jump back in but I don't want him to think I have no desire. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] How do I give a little back but not too much? <p>I was thinking, depending on what he says I would say something like this: I too have been thinking and you already know I would like this to work out but I think we should be apart a little while longer. I really want you to be in this 100% and I think I should give you more time. What do you think? [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

need2bhappy,<p>IMVHO. Play Venusian [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ... let him know you will talk to him on Sunday night, let him know you have a plan on Friday night. I want you to get sitter on Friday night. Then go to salon tonight to change your looks, color your hair, changed it 180 degree. Do your nail and get facial too. Go and buy a nice dress to wear, reserve a late night movie or play ... go and have fun. If H asks tell him you want to go out for a change. For that night do not even pick up your phone 'till Saturday afternoon, very late.<p>Now for the "talk", when Martian is ready he will tell you and you have to be ready too, you have to set your boundry ... this is a retribution time. Remember H has to ammends you, even you want to forgive him !!!, this is got nothing to do with him but for rebuilding your M. It is to protect your feeling and also to make sure that H is willing and 100%. So, I would like you to set your terms ... what need2bhappy needs to make her feel safe. Do not hold back ... do not worry if H would ... just if H could. Put it out on the table. The term have to include NO CONTACT LETTER and percautions steps to guard it. The term have to include willingness to work on 4 rules of recovery ... care, protection,time and honesty. This might include conseling w/ MB. If you need time let H knows and let him plan A'ng you but let him know.<p>If H do not offers "the talk" and waffles instead and still want to be a cakeman ... please do not LB'ed. You have to cut it short, you have heard enough and the chances you will LB'ed are higher. Second you have to play Venusian ... w/ attitude of what is new ? and do not waste my time !!!!. Walk out from the discussion w/ any excuse, even a very lame one !!!. Make sure you find a natural place to talk, not at his apt nor your home. Find a sitter for that night too.<p>May the Lord bless your effort to save your M. May the Lord grand you a fullfiling M and will give H wisdom to follow the truth. In the name of Jesus Christ and Holly Spirit I pray. Amen.

NTBHappy,
Redhat is, as usual, right on! I have nothing to add but my support and prayers--and so I will!<p>Rusty

Well guys, it looks pretty good. <p>H and I talked and the first few things out of this mouth were: "I really want to see this marriage work and I will do anything you ask me to do." So I listened, and told him what I needed. I also told him that I thought we should remain separated for awhile longer, just so he is sure of what he wants. He thought that was very understanding of me and kind. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>He agreed to everything I said I needed, even following MB [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Which is a huge step for him. He is still on the fence about MC [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] but I don't mind as long as we follow MB. He said he would think about MC, which is something.<p>Redhat, I could not follow your suggestions about holding off the talk till Sunday due to the fact we were already planning on seeing each other Friday to prepare for our D's b-day party. <p>He came home Sunday from playing golf with three roses and a pretty new sweater for me. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] He said the roses were for being with the kids all day and the sweater was something he saw at the Pro Shop and thought I would like it, which I did. I liked the thought. He was asked to play cards with the guys but declined to be with me. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I liked that too. <p>So, we will see. I have my fingers crossed and I am hoping and praying for the best. I am also, trying to remain slightly emotionally detached.

need2bhappy,<p>Wow, I am glad that your H know how to ammends you. Our prayer had been answered. IMO. You still need to put MC as a qualifier "if your recovery is stall he has to get professional help (MC)". Do not worry about holding off, your H is ready, be open and keep it that way. You need to be Venusian to get H to come to this points. Apperently you did an awsome job on your plan A for him to realize what he is missing [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>If you haven't, you might want to give him SAA and also HNHN. If he is sincere at one point you might want him to join our board. There are many BS that need encouragements.<p>Good also that you keep it detach for now ... play Venusian and let H to come to you and enjoy it ... Let him plan A'ng you and you show your joys and let H know what he has done right.<p>Thanks for the update, I was worry and about to bump your post to get an update. [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] <p>God Bless you.

Well, H said that he would like to move back in soon. Said he is cleaning up his stuff. He has been very attentive. However, last night I sensed something wrong. He said all was ok but I saw some of those familiar signs. So I am pulling back. Wondering if I should tell him to hold off moving back in for another week? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>He called me yesterday to let me know that he needed to stop by her place to pick up some stuff. She was not supposed to be there. I asked that he call when he got there and when he left. He did. I was wondering if being in her place even for a few moments got to him? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] What do you think?<p>I am also dealing with my thoughts of maybe not wanting this anymore. Not sure if I am just trying to protect myself from being hurt again or what. He has been really great lately, but I think I am afraid to let my guard down. I am also thinking WHY is he being sooo nice, what does he want, what am I being set-up for?<p>Please tell me I am crazy and to let it go, and just enjoy [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] I have not found any signs of continued contact. She did call him on Sunday but he did not pick up. <p>It also bothered me that he said it looks like she is moving. If she moves I will have no way to do my little checks. Guess that mean I just need to trust. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>What do you think?

need2bhappy,<p>You have to put down your terms to come back and proper guarding of no contact. If your H is willing to do it then you have to take him back and help him to protect his weakness. You are right about a bit of contact will bring back some of memories and recovery clock start from zero again. The most important things is get it in writing of POJA and most of it actually let your H comes up w/ the acceptable idea to you (including penalties). For instant you could tell him about "how to ensure no contact ? w/ phone, email, physical or other means ?". Let him comes up with ideas to ammends you. You have to help him out during the withdrawal and accidental contact sometime is unavoidable. Good thing that your H is open telling you that he visit her place, honesty is a must. Yes, any thing that bring back memories of A will get to your H. This is normal specially during the withdrawal, however with no contact, time, care, protection and honesty you could rebuild your M, a loving and caring M. This is another reason not to drang it any more if H is willing.<p>For BS like us, it is normal we get suspicious since we has been lied and deceived. Look for the actions not the words. Protect yourself with your terms and POJA. You are not crazy and you must protect yourself. Be honest with H and it seems that so far he did the right thing. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . Enjoy it and do not let your guard down ... but do not push H away.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>It also bothered me that he said it looks like she is moving. If she moves I will have no way to do my little checks. Guess that mean I just need to trust.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Nope, trust is earned not given. Let him know this issues and let H give you solutions. For sure H has to account for $ and time until H earns your trust. There is a web site that you could pay to give you information on her. I did it with OM.<p>In short, enjoy it [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] and put the proper terms that you are comfortable with and get your H back asap if he is willing. He needs you help too. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

I guess some of it is my fault. He asked if I wanted him to go to the bank to get new statements and I told him that it was ok for him to go there. I was thinking about me and not him. I did not even think about what he would feel walking in there again. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] I feel really bad. <p>He has been calling me several times a day and e-mamiling me. Today, he only called me in the early morning. I know he is really busy at work so that is a big possibility. I am a little nervous.<p>I just feel like we can't get this going on the right track. I really think a session or two with Steve would help. I saw my therapist last week and in not so many words he told me to move on. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] God, I was so confused after that.

need2bhappy,<p>Yes, if you could afford it call MB. I consel w/ Steve and help me tremendously. Don't bang your self on this one. H also should learn how to protect his weakness. Again you have to help your spouse during withdrawal, contact H and talk the terms and get him home if he is willing to meet your conditions. Do not see that therapist no more, get the one inline w/ MB. You are so close to recover your M and you don't want to blow it away.

Spoke with my H regarding his feelings with being in her apt. He said it bothered him a little but it was not a big deal. Said that he knows what he wants and that is not it.<p>We seem to be doing ok. He is still not home but plans on returning very soon. We still need to sit down and go over the MB stuff.<p>Althought I get nervous at times due to "flash backs" or something like that, I think for the most part part he is being very honest with me and I am starting to trust him little by little. I am still keeping my guard up.

need2bhappy,
[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <----------------> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . He learned quick, a true martian. Trust and other feelings will be back and it seems your H understand it well that he has to earn it. Take it one day at a time and enjoy it while at it.<p>God Bless you and thanks for the update. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]