Hi Everyone,<p>I've been reading these boards for about a month and bless you all. I found out about my husband's affair on Jan 26/02 and have been fighting thoughts of suicide. Every breath I take is agony and I just want to crawl into a hole and die.<p>I am 35 years old and have a 6 year old and 3 year old boy and a 2 month old baby girl. He has been having his full fledged affair for the past 5 years, during my pregnancies and one major move. They met when we were living in Kansas City and she would actually come over, watch the kids and act like a friend. I had no idea - I loved him so much and trusted him. We moved to Dallas last summer and on Jan. 26, he confirmed my suspicions and admitted to contacting her frequently but they were "only friends". I am so stupid, I believed him. We read the "Surviving an Affair" book and completed the Emotional Needs exercise. We started seeing a marriage counsellor and everything seemed to be looking up. He even called her to end the affair while I listened and she wrote back an email saying I totally overreacted and that they're "only friends".<p>Last night he told me that he was still seeing her, sleeping with her and that the phone call was scripted and rehearsed ahead of time. I am completely dead inside. I can't even comprehend this. He is begging me - yet again - same words as before that he loves me and wants his family and will break it off with her. How can he be so conniving and deceptive and look me in the eye and lie to me? I am so humiliated, feel like a fool and now I have to go to the doctor and get checked for STDs. My God, what did I do to deserve this? How could he do this - and continue to have 2 more children with me. I am so scared. I have stayed home with the children and gave up my career for this jerk.<p>He wants to reconcile but everyone I talk to says to kick him out and move on. I am new to this state, have no friends and no support.<p>I'm sorry this letter is so lengthy, I am really looking for advice and support. Please help me.<p>Esther
Mom of 3 kids under 6
So Scared and Sad<p>[ February 23, 2002: Message edited by: 2002es ]</p>

------>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<-------<p>Hi, I am rushing out the door, but saw your post and wanted to let you know that there is alot of really good information here, take a look at the links in my signature, excellent place to start. <p>Hold on to your children and let them know you love them, you will find strength in their love. You have much to live for, dont ever forget that.
OK?<p>Also you may want to try and get an appointment scheduled with Steve Harley right away, he has so much to offer you.<p>I will post to you when I get back, we are here to help you however we can.

{{{{{{{{{{2002es}}}}}}}}}}<p>I am so sorry that you are going through this right now! <p>Just cry, yell, scream, let it all out! It's ok. You're allowed.<p>We all know the betrayal that you feel right now and it is devestating. <p>Please make sure that you form a support system ASAP - with family, friends, counselor, preist/minister, and most importantly God.<p>You will need them all to get through this.<p>I just finished ready a book called "Dumped" and it described what happened to us perfectly. <p>Please know that your husband is making some bad choices right now and that it's just evil working in the world. It's incredible that these spouses can do this without any regard for others, but the key word for their behavior is - SELFISHNESS.<p>I know that it's not easy for you now. Please just try to take life one hour, one day at a time. Don't look any fuirther than that.<p>Concentrate right now on what you need to do for yourself and your children. You will grieve tremendously over the loss of the marriage that you thought you had and the horrible deeds that your H is doing, but God can get you through the pain.<p>I am about to give birth to child #4- I have three boys and this will be a girl. I can count on one hand the number of times my H has asked about how the baby is doing, and he's been having an affair since last Jan. I too have had to be tested for STD's etc. and being a good Catholic, I never imagined I'd be going through this either or that my husband who used to be so upstanding could now sink so very low.<p>Know that the affair is like an addiction, and treat it as such - just like he's on drugs or something. It's sad but right now he probably doesn't care about your emotions, so try not to seek understanding from him right now. We've all tried it and just got more upset when our spouses rejected us once again with their lack of feeling and concern. They can't have any concern for what they are doing to us, otherwise they'd be too overcome by guilt and they don't want to feel bad for the choices that they've made. <p>If you want to know the anatomy of the affair - read Surviving an Affair (SAA) by Harley and you'll be much better educated on what is going on. This is important because you have some decisions to make about how you are going to act toward your spouse from now on.<p>It's an incredibly horrible borrible thing that is happening, but take care of yourself(I know it's hard - but it's a must!) Go to a doctor for antidepressants if you have to. <p>Know that the pain will subside. It sounds like you have so much to live for. As the months and weeks go by, use this time as a chance to grow stronger, and don't worry - you will. <p>I never thought I would, but I am, and you will too.<p>Please continue to post, and post on the GQII board and Just Found Out board too. There are alot of knowledgable and supportive people here that will help you get through this. <p>May God Be With You. K

Hi, <p>Welcome to MB. There will be more help coming. Please post your story (copy your thread) to GQII. There are several TX residents here at MB. Maybe you can meet up with several of them. At the least some of us can e-mail U. <p>Your suicidal thoughts are not uncommon. You feel like you have been treated like the doormat as many of us have been. But you have your little ones who depend on you. You do not want to leave them to be raised by someone as fickle as your H? So help yourself and your H get back on stable ground. He is asking for help? Then he needs to get it. Steve Harley and Jennifer C. both do phone counseling. <p>See what is available. If you want our e-addys. request it. Some of us can help. <p>Hugz,
L.

Thank you all so much for your understanding and kind words. God, I don't know what I'd do without you wonderful people here supporting us. I will post my message on GQ11 board and Just Found Out board as they may be more appropriate for my situation at this time. I will try to contact Steve Harley and get some help.<p>Tonight we were talking very openly and he was giving me lots of details about his affair. I asked him if he ever went away anywhere with her and he did go to Paris with her for 2 weeks while my pregnant self and my 2 boys were visiting my parents in Canada. We all missed him so much but I was the dutiful wife - he was there afterall on business (or so I thought). This angers me so much - he chooses her and goes to Paris and leaves me and the kids home. I told him tonight he needs to leave. I can't take any more of these confessions - they are so hurtful and I need a break. God give me strength.

just wanted to say <p>IF HE HAS NOT YET LEFT TELL HIM YOUR SORRY AND THAT YOU WANT HIM TO STAY.<p>I made this mistake too, at least before she left it really seemed like we were making progress, but that was before i found MB.com<p>If he goes he may not want to come back for awhile. I dont know all the details of your situation, but asking him to leave really is a mistake, just let him know that you appreaciate his openess, but that you may need some time to think about things, but let him sleep on the couch and turn the heater off in the guest room, might make ya feel better! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>hang in there post your ideas before you execute them, at least get some other opinoions, ok?<p>take care

Hi 2002es,<p>How are U doing?<p>L.

Hi 2002es:<p>I too am dealing with the same situation you are. I found out my H was having an affair with a co-worker in October 2001. I tried for months to work on our marriage. I even forgave him for what he did. Unfortunately, he never ended the relationship like he told me he did. During that time, the EA even became a PA (even though he knew how devastated I was by the confession of the EA). My entire world felt like it was falling down on top of me. I couldn't eat (lost 40 lbs), couldn't sleep, couldn't function at work and basically I didn't want to live (the pain was just too great to deal with). Finally at the beginning of February, 2002, I found out he was with her when he told me he wasn't talking to her any longer. I lost it and went to the place they were at. I didn't go in, but called him on his cell phone and he came outside. I yelled, cried, hit him and told him I didn't deserve this. The next day he told me he was moving out for a while. He said he didn't want to hurt me any longer and needed time apart to decide what he really wants (to be married to me or not). I was devastated. At that point, I told my children (ages 12 and 14) that we were having some problems and their father was moving out for a while They just cried. From that moment, I found an inner strength that I didn't know I had. I had to be strong because my kids needed me. When I had told my friend that I didn't even want to live, she brought up a good point. If anything happened to me, would I want the OW raising my children? Well, the answer is a huge NO. It has been extremely difficult because my H is still at home (he can't find an apartment he likes or can afford). His mood swings are making me crazy and I am still a bit of an emotional basket case. Generally, though, I try and keep my kids in mind and try to be strong for them. They need me because my H isn't thinking of them right now (even though he says he is). He is being completely selfish and is only thinking about what he wants. <p>You can do it too. Think of how much your kids need you. Your children are young and need you even more right now. Anti-depressants do help also. My doctor prescribed me one that helps me sleep. I, too, had to be tested for STDs. That was so humiliating. Luckily they came back negative, but I simply hated the fact that my H put me in that position.<p>Just remember, you don't deserve this. None of us do. No person deserves to be treated like this. The worst part is that it is being done by the person we trusted the most to take care of us.<p>My H says he doesn't have that passion for me like he has for the OW. Well, after 16 years of marriage, unfortunately, that feeling does go away and is replaced by a different feeling, a feeling. That feeling is going to go away with the OW too after some time. <p>Please try to stick it out and be strong for those children. We are all going through the same thing. There will be days you think you are doing okay, then, all of a sudden, you'll have a day when you feel like you can't make it again. I have them all the time. <p>I'll be thinking of you and praying things work out.<p>[ February 27, 2002: Message edited by: hurtandafraid ]</p>

dear 2002es,<p> I had to reply to your letter, because not very long ago, I had those very same feelings about suicide, I lost weight, I took to my bed for days on end and was a basket case. I felt so terrible that a few times it didn't even matter to me that I had 4 kids to raise and that they needed me. I just wanted to die so the pain would end. D-day for me was 09-14-01, so its been a little over 5 months. Its hard to believe, but you will begin to feel better. It takes time, and I really hate to say that, because when I was told that by my friends, my therapist, any amount of time just seemed like forever, and I knew that I couldn't last much longer. But I did make it and so will you! <p>Anti-depressants will help, so will therapy. If you can find the money for that somewhere, do it for yourself and your well-being and your future. It will also help you be better around your kids, who as I know personally and so do you, are feeling this as much as you are, and to boot, probably think its their fault! Because thats how children think when there is a problem in the family.<p>Your WH has been very deceptive, even going so far as to do the EN questionarre. Gosh, I hate him for that! <p>Another thing to remember is that according to Dr. Phil, of the marriages that take place between people who have been involved with an A with each other, only 5% succeed. Thats because they both know that "if he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you".<p>Look for support from your family and friends. Does his family know anything? Would they support you emotionally if they knew? Different people here have different opinions about informing family members, in my case, my telling his family helped me because they saw what a dirty, rotten low-down thing he was doing to me and to our children. They support ME 100% and are upset and angry with him. I did it because I feel like I needed all the support that I could get, and boy did they rally around us! It depends on how you think his family would react to the news, so think about it.<p>As far as kicking him out, don't make any sudden decisions. Give your head an chance to start processing all that has been going on before you make any decisions that will change the rest of your life. Then if you do need to decide one way or the other, it will be with a clearer head and a better idea of what it will mean to all of you. <p>I am in TX, too, but far away in Lubbock. I will be glad to email you if you want, just let me know. Be good to yourself today, Carmen

2002es,<p>Haven't heard from U in a while. How are you doing?<p>L.