Things have been going pretty great since telling WH I want him to move out. He's waiting for his apartment to become vacant and we've gotten along really great except when he mentions a couple women's names that he works with (one was last brief OW). Last night I freaked when he mentioned one of the women held him up as he was leaving to meet me at the gym to talk. I was so mad that he stayed and talked even though it didn't make him late, but because he didn't tell her he needed to get going. felt like he made her a priority. He ended up going out last night until after 1 this morning - he says he was with a guy from work, but I don't believe it.<p>I just called him at work and for the second day in a row he has gone out to lunch, something he rarely does. He doesn't tell me upfront that he's going and my mind is thinking he's with one of these women.<p>He also changed his cell phone password today!<p>I'm sitting here at work with so many emotions whelling up - sadness, hurt, rage, jealousy! I know I asked him to leave so I really don't have the right to feel these things. I don't know how to control myself when I do see or speak to him.<p>
How do I control myself so I don't freak out on him like I did last night?<p>
[img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ February 26, 2002: Message edited by: Free2BMe ]</p>

Plan "B" is a tuff decision! On one hand you know that it is the right thing to do and on the other you feel that you may never see them again! In actuality, not seeing them again, is something that you need to be prepared for.<p>When I started plan "B", I hurt so bad and was so jealous of him. Every day was full of so much pain that I found it hard to function. I finally started to worry about me and my future. When I decided to do that, and implented a true plan "B", I started to recover. Truely following plan "B" and stopping all contact with your WS is the only way to go. I was finally in control and wasn't constantly having the situation shoved in my face. I gradually started to live again and realized that I could be happy without him.<p>Then, low and behold, this gave him time to think too. He came out of the fog and realized that he didn't want to give up everything that was so important to him. He begged to come home and our marriage is thriving!!!<p>I know this sooooo incredibly hard for you right now. Be strong! I also recommend reading "Hope for the Separated" by Gary Chapman. I read my copy so many times that is falling apart!<p>If you are not able to stop the "love busters", I would like to suggest having him move out immediately. Is there a friend or relative that he could stay with until he can get an apartment?<p>Prayers are with you!<p>Le

MovingForward,<p>Thank you for responding! I was just thinking that this pain is inevitable and necessary and something I need to feel. We've gotten to this point a couple times in the last 2 years and when I start to feel this pain I back down from Plan B.<p>Since I posted this we've been emailing and talking a bit. I don't feel as anxious as I did, but I still feel a bit emotional.<p>I'm glad I'm not going crazy and this is normal!<p>Thanks so much!

If you are in plan "B", one thing that you may want to be careful of is contact. Believe me,I know that it is hard. Just hearing their voice or seeing their smile warms your heart. On the other hand it causes pain.<p>Use this time to work on yourself! Be careful not to fill his EM's. I just feel that if he is going to miss what you have to offer, he needs to go with out for a while.<p>Believe me I know this is hard and when I decided to do it, I thought I was going to die. After about six weeks, I started to feel alive again. The funny thing is that I spoke to Dr. Harley during this time and he told me that my husband's window of opportunity to come home was only about 2 months. Dr. Harley said that after that amount of time, I may not want him back. At first when he said that, I thought he was crazy!! But ya know after I hit the six weeks mark, I started feeling like I could live without him. It scared me and suprised me that I was actually thinking that way.<p>I'm not sure what I am trying to say here. Just know that the emmotions you are feeling are perfectly normal and that many of us here have and are going through the same thing!<p>Be strong and take care of YOU!!<p>Le

I have always threatened a separation, but always wimped out. I think now he expects me to do the same and not stand firm with my decision.<p>He just told me his apartment won't be ready until April 1st and if I want him to find an interim place he will. I want him to, yet I don't want him to. Does that make sense? <p>Why couldn't he have been faithful?!?! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

If you think you will wimp out again, don't do it! You need to have the strength to follow through this time! The first couple of weeks are the hardest and then it gets easier . . . really!<p>Plan B is about you! It is realizing that your marriage cannot contiue in its' present state. It is being strong for yourself and not letting your WS continue to hurt you! It is preparing yourself for a life without your spouse. If in the mean time, your spouse comes out of the fog and wants to reconcile, praise the Lord!! But plan B should only be entered if you can admit that your marriage may be over.<p>This is an extrememly hard decision to make and I doubted my decision daily!!<p>You have to be strong and not back down! If you waver on your decision, you lose credibility with your spouce.<p>If you can be strong and do a true plan "B", I would suggest writing him a plan "B" letter and ask him to leave immediately. However, if you can continue to plan "A", then by all means do so! Just remember that what ever you do, do it for YOU!<p>The quote below is from NSR. I think it's really good advise.<p>"You stop Plan A... when you're ready to enter Plan B...<p>You enter Plan B... only when you are at the point of "accepting" that now is the time to let the remainder of love in your Love Bank to dwindle away to nothing!<p>Any earlier...<p>...and you didn't give your marriage your all!" --- NSR<p>Also know that God is on your side and prayer can bring results and peace!!<p>Le

You are a lifesaver today! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I have pretty much come to the realization that my H will never change his ways and nor does he want to. Sure, he'll say he's changed, but I've been lied to so much I have no idea.<p>I need this separation to gather my thoughts and for once in the past 2 years NOT think about him.<p>It is time... as I've become very bitter, angry, insecure and jealous! I don't like having those traits, at least not as highly charged as they are. I've always been insecure, but now I'm hyper insecure!! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I asked him to leave just before the holidays and never followed through and I will this time. <p>Thanks for the support and encouragement today!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>H will never change his ways</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Don't believe that!! NEVER is a big word! He is blinded by the "fog" and will some day come out of it! Hopefully it's not too late and he will be fortunate enough to have you there for him when he does!!<p>Just work on you in the mean time and stay strong! You can do it!!<p>Le

Hello Free2BMe,<p>If you have decided about plan B, then why don't you ask him to move out and stay somewhere else? Then you could really apply no contact properly. Right now you are in 'no-person's land'- not plan A and not plan B. It is no wonder at all that you are feeling confused and overwhelmed with emotion.<p>I did plan B for a while while my H lived at home, and it is very, very difficult to detach. That was the case even though I was not doing making any efforts, at all, to meet his ENs, not sleeping in the same roon, not sharing meals, and spending every second when the kids were in bed in a separate room from H. It is nearly impossible not to invest emotionally when someone is living with you, speaking with you, exchanging e-mail with you, talking on the phone with you, and meeting you at the gym, don't you think?<p>As always, Free, I just want you to be at peace and soon. You have gone through so much and have had to live with so much pain and disappointment over the past 2 years. So, please understand that what I have said is simply MHO.<p>Hugs,<p>OneDay<p>p.s. Don't forget what a master of head games your H is. Please don't get sucked into them again!<p>[ February 27, 2002: Message edited by: OneDay ]</p>

OneDay,<p>Today I'm even more confused. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] We went out to dinner last night and he kept commenting on how good my butt looked and how nice my hair looked. I told him I wanted him to know what he was going to be missing (we also had incredible sex before heding to dinner - wrong I know).<p>We each had a couple drinks and we talked a bit about what has happened and it was all light conversation. On the way home I again told him I thought he was deliberately trying to hurt me with each affair because he left so many clues so I would find out.I thought he was doing it to get back at me for the affair he thought I had back in '99. I do believe this, as sick as it may sound, and I believe he'll continue until I stand firm and not take it anymore. He told me he wasn't deliberately hurting me.<p>This morning he told me he had such a great time - enjoyed the dinner and the conversation and the restaurant atmosphere.<p>We've gone back and forth today about how great we get along with the exception of his As. We've agreed to get a bottle of wine and talk and talk about where it is we want to go from here. I think the wine helped me not get freaked.<p>He also told me last night he could get ahold of a lie detector machine so I can see he hasn't been physical with anyone (other than that kiss with coworker) since we married.<p>A few emails he kept intimating he'd do whatever I needed to move forward and throughout the whole email he would use YOU (in caps like that) and I felt as though he was doing it more for me and not for us.<p>Am I setting myself up for more disappointments? I do have expectations of what I want to hear from him (confessions to my suspicions) and I don't really think I'll get that. I think I'll just get more lip service.<p>The original reason for my asking him to leave was because I don't feel as though I'll ever regain my trust in him even if he was honest and faithful from this day on - I don't think I'll believe anything else he says.<p>Why am I making this so hard for myself?<p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by OneDay:
<strong>p.s. Don't forget what a master of head games your H is. Please don't get sucked into them again!</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I didn't see this when I first responded - I guess I should consider that after typing what I just did.<p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

HEY............SWEETY............<p>
RE-READ this......today<p>You are too good for this stuff to keep happening.....these friends are right on track!<p>You know I say this only in love...sister.<p>d2k [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

I know, D2K! Thanks for reading and responding!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Discovery and I are here for you. Now talk to us...