I felt i needed to post the whole thing..very long.<p>Well, after many hours of thought I am ready to write my story. It is one of deep love and affection but also of betrayal. I will include a historical background and then go into detail in regard to the last several months. Here goes.<p>My wife and I have been together for 10 yrs and married for 8. I am 39 and my wife is 41. I have 2 children from a previous marriage but my wife and I have none together out of mutual choice. My kids adore my wife and she them. We both get along well with my ex and her husband. We both have good and secure jobs.<p>Approx. 3 years ago our marriage was very much in a rut. My wife was diagnosed with MS at the time and she also suffers from minor Agoraphobia. In addition she has terrible anxiety attacks. These things plus my failure to understand how these issues affected her lead to us starting to lead separate lives. I showed my wife how to get on the chat lines because she wasn’t going out (except to work) and I wanted her to make friends. This became a habit for her and the first thing she would do upon coming home was go on the computer. It got to the point where she hadn’t even taken her jacket off or said hello to me. When my wife wasn’t on the computer I was. Or we would be watching great amounts of TV. Basically our lives were very un exciting. I didn’t realize at the time the dangerous situation I had created by showing her the internet. And I failed to encourage her to seek help for her illnesses. This was in the early spring of 1999.<p>In April of ’99 I was offered a 4 month work contract out of town. This was seen by both myself and my wife to have a break from each other and start fresh when I got back. My heart was heavy but I knew we had to do this. I felt that she would be OK as long as she had her internet friends to talk to. While I was away I missed her so much I would spend long amounts of time sitting in my room crying. I called her often and each time I did I prayed she would ask me to come home. About 1.5 months into it I was getting very lonely and started a friendship with another woman. It really was just hanging out and my wife new about it. But time passed, my lonliness grew and eventually it turned sexual. It never became emotional in any way and ended promptly upon my return home. I didn’t have to tell my wife about it because she already knew. We have always been deeply connected like that. She was destroyed. We lived together but didn’t talk much for quite sometime. Meanwhile she told me about the OM and how she had an emotional relationship with him. At the time I didn’t know what that meant and assumed he was a good friend. I didn’t have a problem with that and life carried on. Back into the rut we went. Her on the computer and me watching television. I should say that over all this our sex life remained fantastic as it has always been.<p>In the winter of ’99 we decided that a move may help us so we rented a great place on the water. It made my wife happier and for, awhile, she was her old self again. But it didn’t take long for all the issues to come back. We hadn’t dealt with my affair in any way just let it go (yeah right). Once again, she continued on the internet when ever she could. I never really asked her about it and she never offered any info either. But I didn’t really worry about it other than she seemed addicted to the darn thing but it seemed to make her happy so I ignored it. I started a new job and met new friends and this is where my pseudo single life began.
I started going out to the pub more and more. Drinking much more than usual. I got into the “I will call you if I am not coming home” deal. Of course I never called and rarely kept my promises. My wife never got mad at me. She told me later she didn’t want to give me the satisfaction. I don’t know what that means. But because she didn’t get mad I guess I felt it was alright for me to do these things. Besides, she had her internet and was going full bore on that. This went on until March of 2001. One night my wife had had enough of my staying out till late and rarely calling home. I told her I was tired of her internet addiction and us not doing things together. It was probably the only time in our whole relationship we actually fought; oh we had our disagreements for sure but we never raised our voices at each other before. I decided we needed a break and I moved out and stayed at my friend’s place. This was hard on my wife. She told me she would sleep with my clothes as something to hold. I was so sad. I loved my wife so much and she loved me. We just didn’t know what to do to help each other or our relationship.<p>I stayed at my friend’s house and drowned my sorrows in parties and alcohol. I talked to my wife often but it seemed very distant and tense. She told me how she missed me. It broke my heart. Unfortunate I did a stupid thing and slept with a woman from work one time. We were both very drunk ( I am not using this as an excuse) and the next morning I felt like my world had exploded. The guilt I felt goes beyond comprehension. I visited my wife the next day with the intention of telling her what happened but could not bring myself to hurt her again. Instead I went on the internet to find a stranger to tell my woes to. I was confused about my emotions and feelings. I wrote things that didn’t make sense and were wrong and not once did I mention my wife. For some reason I didn’t delete the chat and my wife found it later that day. What more could I do to destroy my marriage. She called me and told me it was over. I rushed over to find out why and of course the cat was out of the bag. She had taken a photo of us ripped it in half. I was numb. I felt all was lost and resigned myself to the fact that my marriage was over.<p>I want to stop here and tell you that I accept full responsibility for the state of affairs to this point. I was a selfish, un-supporting husband who took my wife for granted. I didn’t show her the respect and appreciation she deserved. I didn’t meet her emotional needs to the extent I should have. There is no doubt in my mind that I did not deserve her. The guilt and regret I feel are un-measurable. I also wanted to point out that at no time did I lose the trust I had in her. I didn’t think about her doing anything to give me reason not to trust her. I guess the rest of my story will show otherwise.<p>I lived with my friend until the end of May where upon I got my own place and my wife moved into her own place. My wife called one night and asked if I would go to counseling with her. My initial response was “What is the point” but after thinking I realized that perhaps all was not lost after all..so I agreed. We went a few times and it was good to talk about everything. In the end the doc agreed we should live apart for awhile but that we should remain faithful to each other and not date other people. The purpose of the split was to see if we would realize what we would be missing if we didn’t have each other. I looked at my wife and promised to do so. And I am happy to say that I met my promise. I assumed that this meant my wife as well and that it meant she would not have contact with her internet friend. I should point out that the extent of her emotional relationship came out in the counseling sessions so I more or less understood at this point what that meant.<p>From that point forward my wife and I never went more than 48 hrs without talking over the phone and we spent almost ever weekend together. It also didn’t take me long to figure out how important she was to me. My love for her soared and I fell in love with her all over again. It was fun because we were dating. She went on a new medication that did wonders for her. She wasn’t afraid to go out anymore and do things. We had a great time and our relationship problems did not come up. We both talked about being patient and just letting things happen. The summer was fantastic. We went camping and just really loved each other the best way we knew how. What was I thinking before..sheesh what an idiot I was. My wife explained in our counseling what it was I needed to do for her to want to stay together. I learned many lessons and worked to make myself a better man for her, our marriage and me. I became generous again and we talked to each other just like we did when we first fell in love. I was very happy and thought she was to. We had a great summer together. I didn’t foresee any problems.<p>My wife’s birthday came in September and I messed up. I remembered it was her birthday but she was visiting her sister out of town. I phoned to wish her well but they weren’t home. I vaguely remember her sister telling me they were going to have a party for her at her brother’s place so I assumed that was where she was. I left a message for my wife to call me when she got in. She says she never got the message so she was disappointed in me that I didn’t try harder. These sorts of things affect her greatly. I was discouraged.<p>About a week later my wife called and said she had something to tell me. I assumed she wanted to talk about moving in together again. I was excited. She came and spent the weekend at my place and the whole time I was anxious to here the good news. She didn’t say anything and I didn’t want to push so I didn’t say anything either. We had a great weekend together so had no reason to suspect anything bad was about to happen.<p>A couple days later she called and that is when she told me that her internet friend was coming to visit her (he lives in England we are on the west coast of Canada). She said this was something she had to do. She said that he would be here just for the weekend. I remained calm and tried to show support. Of course deep down I was shocked that she was even still talking to him. The extent of which I will get to shortly. My wife sent me a email card saying she loved me even more for understanding. I felt OK. I could do this and at first I didn’t worry. Well that didn’t last long..the day he was supposed to arrive I started to panic. What was my wife doing? Allowing a stranger into her home. He could be an axe murderer for all she new. I had to talk to her so I phoned at 2am. She didn’t answer. I was very worried. I called the next morning and she said that she didn’t hear the phone. This is also when I found out that he was in fact staying at her place on the sofa. I was beside myself. She told me not to worry and that I needed to give her this time. She needed to do this for her. I confirmed that he was going home on Monday..but she said no he will be going back on Tuesday. I asked her why she lied to me. She said she didn’t want to hurt me. I was a wreck. On Monday I called my sister in law to talk and to my surprise my wife answered the phone. I asked what she was doing there and she said that she and the OM were touring around. I said that I thought he was going back tomorrow. She said no..next Tuesday. What the heck is going on..why do you keep lying to me. Also, she took ten days off work; something she has never done before. I was a mess. She asked me if I wanted to meet him I screamed NO! <p>That evening I tried to look at this more rationally. I decided that the best thing to do was to be supportive and understanding. I wrote her an email saying I was sorry and that if this man was that important to her then yes I should meet him. My argument was that he was just a friend and not her lover. The next morning they came over. I looked like crap. I hadn’t eaten and hadn’t slept in 2 or three days. I was a real host..made coffee for them even gave the guy a gift to take back with him. I did my best to be calm. My wife said she was proud of me for this. She then did this big speech thing where she told us both that she is going to work on her marriage and that he should go home and work on his. What! He is married..yep, with two kids as well. She said she was having the time of her life with him. That hurt me so badly but I didn’t say anything. I don’t think she realized what she just said. Then she left with him to continue their adventure! What is going on. I was so confused. How can she say she wants to work on us then get up and leave with him. Before she left I asked to talk to her alone and I was emotionally messed up. I didn’t want her to leave and begged her to stay. She ran out of there like I was a curse.<p>I tried calling her and when I did get a hold of her she accused me of manipulating her. What was I supposed to do? Just sit there for the next 5 days and sing songs. What did she expect of me. I had an emotional breakdown that she doesn’t know about to this day. I went to the doc to get some pills otherwise I was afraid of what I might do to myself.<p>I realized for the very first time that their was a very real possibility I was about to lose the woman I loved. It hit me like a hammer. My wife has told me before when we had problems that she felt I didn’t fight for her. Well, I was about to launch a campaign that even I didn’t know I had in me. You see I truly wanted this woman in my life. I love her so much I cannot explain it. I knew where I messed up before and now I was going to win her back by simply doing the things I should have been doing all along. When the OM finally went home I went to my wife and told her everything I could to let her know I wanted and needed her. I told her that what she had done this past ten days was OK and that it was past. But despite this I had to ask her “Did you sleep with him?” She did not hesitate to say “Yes”. I sat there for a short time real quiet listening to her cry. Then I turned to her and calmly said, “I forgive you.” We spent the rest of the afternoon talking about everything. I asked questions about what it was he did for her that I didn’t. She told me that they had a strong emotional bond. I found out more about his situation and she said that his wife didn’t know about this.<p>I don’t think I need to say more about the above incident as many of you have been there.<p>It is the end of Oct. now and my quest to keep my wife has begun. I courted her, bought her nice things, romanced her, listened to everything she said with interest and understanding. Unfortunately, deep down my trust in her had been damaged. I began to snoop. I found letters in her email that were from 2 days after he had left. They said things like “ I love you”, “I miss you”, etc, etc. But probably the most disturbing thing was that she was calling herself by his last name. I was so confused, angry, and sad. I went to her work and confronted her (not in front of her co-workers, I would never do that) and she was shocked that I found the letters. She came home with me and I remained calm but I gave her the first of many opportunities to tell me it was over for us. She couldn’t do it. She said that he was just a fantasy, etc., etc. I almost begged her to tell me our life together was over. I needed the release but she said she didn’t want that. We held each other and over the next couple of weeks we talked and saw each other many times. She called me up at the end of Nov. and told me she contacted the OM and told him that she did not want contact with him until the New Year so she could spend time with me and family. She said it like I was supposed to be happy about that. Well I wasn’t. And told her it wasn’t good enough. It bothered me that she thought it was. I wrote her a Plan B letter that night and emailed it to her. She called and told me she understood but she was crying very hard. About 2 hours later I couldn’t take it anymore and drove to see her. I told her I didn’t want this and she said that she was happy that I came over. We talked some more about everything and just decided to enjoy the holidays together for now.<p>We talked about seeing the counselor again in the New Year and booked an appointment. The holidays were super. We went on a romantic get-a-way and did some short distance traveling. I was very happy. In fact so happy I bought her something she has always wanted but I never got for her..an engagement ring. I asked her to marry me again. She took the ring but didn’t acknowledge my question. I didn’t know what to do. She looked so happy to get that ring I couldn’t take it back. I don’t really know what I am doing at this point. I guess once again I thought everything was OK. Once again I was wrong. In the New Year I asked if she had talked to the OM. She said she had. I was hurt again. I asked for my ring back as it was obvious she didn’t understand the significance of it. It wasn’t just A GIFT. I told her I would give it to her again when I was sure things would work out between us.<p>I cannot explain how happy she seemed to be and how happy I was when we were together. It is like she was leading two complete lives. When I wasn’t there she was with him and when I was there she was with me. I say this because she rarely if ever mentioned me in her letters to him. It was like I didn’t exist. At the same time, when she was with me I could tell that he was not on her mind. All the while she has told me over and over again that she truly loves me but doesn’t know if she loves me the way she used to. I was trying to do all the right things to feed her emotional needs and all the other things couples are supposed to do. I kept rebuilding my trust of her. I kept forgiving her. But it just kept getting destroyed again and again. I was starting to become emotionally exhausted. I was tired and looked it. My work was suffering. <p>In mid January we went to the doctor. We talked quite long with the doc and most of it had to do with her relationship with the OM. In the end he suggested that she stop all contact with him and concentrate on our marriage for the next 6 months. She hesitantly agreed. Over the next week I wanted so much to ask her if she had done what she said she would but I felt that she would tell me on her own. She didn’t so I asked. She said she did and that she didn’t want to talk about it. That was OK with me. So once again I decided to trust her and get on with it. We spent the next few weeks in each other’s arms. We laughed, talked and had fun together. I was happy again. Then BOOM. I accidently stumbled on a letter that she forgot to delete. My world shattered again. I told her I couldn’t take this anymore and once again gave her the chance to end it with me. Once again she said she couldn’t. I responded that, “ I don’t get it. You don’t want to break up with me but you cannot break up with him either.” She started to cry and said that she didn’t know what she wanted. I left.<p>We had had another appointment with the doc. That evening she told me that it was over between us. I asked her why. She responded, “Because I do not want to hurt you anymore.” I asked if that was all. She said, “Yes.” I told her it was not good enough and that it was my decision when I had had enough hurt not hers. I asked again if there was another reason..she said that she was scared that I would fall off the wagon and betray her again. That she was skeptical of my changes. Finally the issue surfaces. I told her that I understood her fear. I said I couldn’t do anything to prove my sincerity but tell her I loved her, that I know what she means to me, that I would never hurt her or betray her again. I also said that only time will heal the mistrust she has for me. We talked to the doc and he suggested we give it a few weeks. I think this took some of the pressure off of her as opposed to the 6 months he stated before. I agreed and off we went. My wife asked if I would live with her for a week. We had talked about this before as a way to see how she felt about having me around again. I moved in and we had a good time. She told me how nice it was to share her bed with me and that she loved coming home to me. I didn’t want to leave but knew I had to for now. <p>For the next few weeks we once again enjoyed each other’s company. We did things together. One day she asked if I wanted to go away for the weekend and of course I said yes. It would be a nice romantic get-a-way. It is mid February now. The Thursday before our trip I stayed the night at her place and she said something that made me suspicious. Of course as many of you know; when you are in these situations you over analyse everything. Well I am no exception. In my gut I had to know more so I went onto her email from my house. I had to get the password first so I pretended I forgot it and the site asked me the qualifying question” Who do you love?” I foolishly entered my name..wrong. So I entered the OM name..BINGO. I was so hurt. Anyway I got on and found approx 100 letters to and from the OM. This is where I found out the real extent of the situation. The first letter with sex and I love you in them was May 5, 1999. In other words I had only been gone 1 week . From that point they were almost daily. Full of love, sex, and understanding. But not once was I mentioned. From these I can see that they were planning to get together for a long time. I was hurt very badly. Then I looked at the letters from Dec. when she was supposedly out of contact with him. For the most part she was except on Xmas Eve (yes I was at her place) she sent him a quick I love you and miss you. My anger boiled. I then looked at the most recent ones. She did write him and tell him to leave her alone for 6 months so she could work on her marriage but he responded with things like “I won’t be here for you in 6 months” How could you do this to me?” etc. In other words he manipulated her and made her feel guilty. It worked. Then of course he gives the old “I am going to leave my wife.” crap. Remember, this guy lives in England. Not to mention his job and family.<p>I spent 3 hours torturing myself by reading all of the letters. My anger was extreme. My wife has been having an affair for 3 years. And I felt guilty!? Why should I. I drove over to her house at 2:30 in the morning. Got her out of bed and told her to phone him I wanted to talk to him. I yelled and called her terrible things. I have never been so mad in my life. She just sat there and cried. As quick as my anger came it subsided. What good was it doing. She never did call. We talked calmly again. She self imposed a deadline to make a decision. I told her I didn’t want her to do that because any decision like that would not be real but she insisted. I know, any other man would have been gone a long time ago but you must understand my love for her. It is deep, and from the soul. I cannot give up. The funny thing is..I said that I still wanted to go away together and she said she did to. We looked at each other and said at the same time, “What’s with that!” Then we kind of laughed. She asked me to stay the rest of the night with her and I did.<p>That weekend we went away together and had a very passionate experience. It seemed we made love forever. All the time though I felt like this would be the last time. The dread that came over me as we drove home was unbearable. She told me that she didn’t want to speak or see each other for a week while she made up her mind. I agreed. The next few days were torture. Valentines Day came. I couldn’t resist. I bought her flowers and a nice gift and left it on her table with a love letter for when she got home (I have keys to her place and she to mine). I was so excited I wanted to know how she felt after seeing this display of love. I called her, she was crying. I asked why and she said my letter caused her pain. I was so confused. Why? She said she was so torn. She said she wrote a letter to the OM that morning telling him it was over between them. She asked if I wanted her to send me a copy. Inside I said yes but I wanted her to see I could still trust her so said no. She asked if she could come out and see me for a bit. I said yes. I know that it wasn’t going to be that simple because he was going to respond to her letter. She couldn’t stand by her last letter so I knew she would have a hard time now. She came out we visited for a short while then it was time for her to go. I went to kiss her, she kissed me back but it was one of those cold types, she pulled away and just hugged me. This is when I knew that her decision would be to end our marriage. I prepared myself for this and several days later she asked if she could come out to give me her decision. I said that I would come to her place. The reason was that I didn’t want to see her leave me. It would be better on me for me to physically leave her place. <p>So I go over and after some initial niceties she tells me that she wants the relationship to end. Once again I ask why. And I tell her that there is no need for sensitivity just tell me the truth. She says it is because she doesn’t want to hurt me anymore. She says she doesn’t know if she could ever trust me again and that she is too scared to live together again. She also adds that she is scared she will go back to being house bound and that I will stray because of it. I sit and let her talk. I didn’t say a word and didn’t judge her. She kept talking but mostly it was the same 3 reasons. I had prepared myself for this so I didn’t get upset in any way. I remained calm and collected. My wife was crying so hard. It broke my heart. She looked so sad. I wanted to hold her and comfort her but I didn’t. After she had finished I started talking and told her that I understand. I told her that I was confused because she said she contacted the OM and broke it off. To this she asked if I wanted to see what she wrote. I did and the first part of the letter is as she said and she definitely closes the door on him; However, the last part opens the door again because she goes on about how she doesn’t know if her love for me is real, etc., etc. Well, his letter back is like I thought it would be. He stepped right through the open door saying how he wanted whatever would make her happy but at the same time trying to make her feel guilty and that he would suffer because of it. I told her I didn’t need to see any more. <p>I told her that I will not stop fighting for her unless she tells me to stop. Her reply was, “Now I love you even more for saying that.” And she starts crying even harder. She tells me that her mind is so confused that she doesn’t know what she is doing. She says that she is not even sure of this decision. She said she loved just having me here tonight. I start to cry now. This is so hard on both of us. I know she loves me so much but cannot get past the hurt and resentment she has towards me. After a bit she asks me to give her time to sort things out. I tell her she can have as much time as she needs. I will wait months if necessary. She responds that she would understand if I went out and dated. I told her that that is something I definitely would not do. I pledged my faithfulness to her and said she can have as long as it takes but also added that I wouldn’t just sit around moping..that I would go out and spend time with friends and family. This seemed to please her and she said she felt better. We kissed and hugged for some time. I whispered in her ear that I forgive her. She responded by whispering the she forgives me. That is something she has never said to me. Of course I start crying again. It felt like a huge load was lifted from my heart. I left. This was Monday 18th Feb.<p>I felt strong enough to do this no contact thing. I am determined to stay strong. 5 days ago she sent me an email card that said, “Words cannot describe how much I miss you. I know it is my choice, it is something I need to do. But I feel the need to tell you I miss you very much.” I replied by email with a “I miss you too.” Then 2 days ago she sent me, “I am thinking of you. God it feels like forever since I’ve been with you. What does that mean?” I bought some flowers and wrote her a poem and went to her place to put them on the front seat of her car for her to find in the morning. That night she sent me a short “Good thing you left me tissue. You think of everything. Thank you.” I did not reply. So it has been 10 days since we talked or seen each other. I know that is not along time but believe me when I say it has been tough. I have decided that if she emails me again I will not respond. <p>Well that is it. Sorry for the long story but I felt it was needed to make sure the whole picture is clear. I did my very best to ensure honesty and the proper sequence of events. I need someone to be completely honest and blunt with me and tell me what the future may hold either good or bad. I don’t really know where to go from here. I don’t know if she is continuing her affair with the OM. I do know that I want her and wish to hold her hand for the rest of this life and far into the next. I feel in my heart that we can do it. But we cannot do it until there is just the two of us. I hope and pray this will happen. I will stay faithful to her and not give up until I know for certain that I have lost her.<p>PS. I actually wrote the OM am email letter asking him to respect my marriage just before Xmas. It was well written and did not have any anger in it. I even showed it to my wife before I sent it. He did not respond and when my wife asked if he rec’d it he said no. He is a liar. I sent a more forceful letter recently and once again he ignored it.<p>Thank you for listening.
