I'm posting on this topic because iv'e done some reading on this site and it sounds like I need to do plan A, but I don't know how to. As I said in another post "a recurring nightmare" He hasn't admitted the A and he won't.<p>So am I supposed to just continue to act as if everything is fine when he doesn't come home at all some nights? I really don't know what to do.<p>I'm completely frustrated. I do know that he won't end the affair if I just let it go. Right now he's getting the best of both worlds and although he seems sincere when he's at home about how much he loves me I feel like he couldn't care less about me because it's like there nothing to stop him from cheating.
I've told him to move out before and he refused. Then he would say that he will move out but it never happens.<p>Well one time he did move out and got a place together with the OW and lived there with her for 8 months. Then we got back together with the promise that he would never be unfaithful again. That was in January 2001. Then I found out that he was lying about that (from new OW) because he had already started to get to know her at that same time. Now he is seeing new OW what seems like once a week but I'm sure they talk during the day at times.<p>This situation is disgusting! I hate it!<p>Sometimes I even think of getting revenge and having my own A but I know it's not right.
Why doesn't he seem to care about right and wrong the way I do?
He knows he's killing me by doing this yet he continues like he has no control of what he's doing.<p>I have such a long story to tell I just cut it short to get to the main point which is...
My H is having an affair, I want to implement plan A but how do I when he won't admit the affair?<p>Please Help!!!! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Did you do plan a at all after he came back the first time? If so, I would recommend tough loving him (plan b).<p>The second time he did it, he knew full well how much it would hurt you and there is simply no excuse. It is difficult being tough at this times but it is likely what is best for your marriage and for you. He does not respect you - and he should right now. You really aren't giving him a reason to do so (and nor was I when I let my wife treat me like a doormat during her affair). Love Must Be Tough is an excellent book to help you understand how by being tough, you will regain your self respect and the respect of others (including your husband), as well as forcing him to make a choice.<p>He is a cakeeater. He KNOWS you let him continue his first affair without significant consequences. He has no reason to behave differently the second time unless YOU behave differently. Don't encourage his behavior by repeating what you did last time. It did not work for him.

pollipuff,<p>Plan A is got nothing to do with your husband. It is all about you. Please read more on MB, try to understand about habit, EN, LB, LB$, and of course plan A/B. Follow the link on my signature on General Welcome you will find a lot of material to read. Also you should read SAA.<p>Sorry to hear that your H is a serial cheater. For now you have to make sure that you get your part fixed first.<p>My H is having an affair, I want to implement plan A but how do I when he won't admit the affair?
Get nothing to do with confession. You think back on what your H says or complain about you in M. List it all. Those are your basis for plan A.
Also fill in LBQ and ENQ for your H or even ask H to fill it in. Meanwhile ... bite your tounge and be the dummiest wife on the planet and focus on your plan A. If you think you could handel it, snoop or sleuth if you have to. Not to confront your H but to asses the damage.

redhat,<p>I'm not sure I understand what you mean when you say "look back at all he complains about" He doesn't really complain about anything. The previous affair he did and when we got back together I changed everything that he said was the reason he was unhappy. This time he says everything is perfect but he doesn't know what's missing. I asked him is it because of my weight and he told me I'm crazy to even think that. So now I'm doing something about my weight, I joined Weight Watcher's Tuesday. I know it sounds like I'm going out of my way to please him and I am but I don't want him to have any reason to blame on me for his infidelity. If he doesn't want to be with me he needs to make that decision and stop trying to make me decide for him.

Redhat,<p>I did some more reading on some of the links you suggested. They help.<p>You said snoop to assess the damage, is this to see if the affair has gone beyond repair?
I'm good at snooping [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Any way, I'm feeling a lot better now. The anxiety has subsided.<p>I've really been trying to do things differently this time around so the cycle won't continue or I end up divorcing or cheating.<p>Please keep me in your prayers.

pollipuff,<p>Longing already answer your question ... I agreed that you might have to use tough love. You do not want to be hostage by fear of loosing H ... you already lost H in his second A.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>You said snoop to assess the damage, is this to see if the affair has gone beyond repair?</strong><hr></blockquote>
Yes, definitely. You find out the fact ... then you could make the decision. You can not trust H.<p>I will keep you in my prayers and keep us updated from time to time.<p>Dear Lord, please help pollipuff to see the truth and give her the wisdom to select the path according your will. Protect her from temptations for You have promised us that we will not be tempted beyond our strength. Please let Holly Spirit be the counsel in her life to sail through this storm. We know Lord that You could do miracle and heal anything that is broken. If this is Your will to glorify your name Lord please change pollipuff husband heart at this moment and rid of his selfishness. In the name of Jesus Christ and Holly Spirit, I pray and ask you Lord. Amen.

Thank you Redhat for the prayer.<p>I went yesterday and read most of "Love Must Be Tough" and I noticed that the times when I am stroger and les attentive to him he's wondering what's going on with me.<p>My question is can you live like that? I mean you can draw him into you within a matter of moments but when can you relax and just be you? I love to love that's just how I am. I want to be able to love my husband freely without having to act tough all the time. I know I need professional counseling because I can get to a certain point and just stop. He is willing to fill out the questionnaires that I printed from this site (that's good)but the same day he agreed to fill it out he didn't return home until the next day (not good)I'm okay though because I know what I have to do.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by pollipuff:
<strong>My question is can you live like that? I mean you can draw him into you within a matter of moments but when can you relax and just be you? I love to love that's just how I am. I want to be able to love my husband freely without having to act tough all the time.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>No, every one has a limit before their taker start showing up. In plan A, you are a giver, a complete giver. You could relax when you are well into recovery and your WH follows the 4 rules of recovery. However this scars are here to stay, you will forgive him but you will never forget this betrayal. Trust is earn not given. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . Let God be the center of your life, of your M and let Him take care the rest. Actually His commands will put you in plan A for life ... but your H will also plan A'ng you for life [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .