I have been Plan "A"ing for about 5 weeks. I learned of my W affair 9 days ago. We talked last night and she feels we need a separation.
I told her I wanted to try everything before resorting to that, but she feels "she needs to be alone".
We both admitted neither of us has anywhere to go, but I voiced my opinion that SHE should be the one to leave.......after all, she chose to have the affair, to go outside of our home/family/marriage to have her needs met.
I also told her I felt our daughter should stay here with me. My wife seemed very surprised by this. I believe she expected me to tell her I'll just leave. Although she doesn't rule out a reconciliation, she says she has no idea what she wants. Maybe a separation, and a full force plan B will help her figure that out.<p>I am agonizing over this . I love my wife with all my heart, and the thought of the future without her scares me.

ckblade21,<p>Leave her alone ... do not push her and do not talk about "us" ... just be a roomate. It is easier to show plan A w/ her in the same house but you have to be strong.<p>Focus on your D. You are far away from plan B.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I am agonizing over this . I love my wife with all my heart, and the thought of the future without her scares me.</strong><hr></blockquote>
DO NOT BE AFRAID, many travel this path and survive w/ or w/o SO. If you are a christian, ask Him to be your personal consel to guide you. Seek refuge in Him, you will find out that He never forsake you nor abandon you. You will find comfort in Him. He is my strength, the gas with high octane. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>God Bless you.

If she feels she needs to leave, let her. You should not leave. Custody is and should be negotiable.<p>I would not advice plan b so soon. You can plan a from a distance and in fact, I think it is much easier to do so, it was for me.<p>Is the affair over? That is an important piece to all this. If it is not, you have every right to retain custody. Your children should not see that such is occuring.

That is the problem. I think the PA has been halted, but the EA definately continues. I've told her that in order for us to work this out, she must not contact the OM at all.......but this would mean she'd have to quit singing at a local choir, where the OM is a sound engineer.
And I know how important singing there is to her.
She has told me she doesn't want to quit singing there....so that is a flaw in the plan.<p>Secondly, I don't think she wants to leave......i think she believes I should leave. <p>I've given up trying to convince her to give our marriage another chance.
All I can do is make sure she knows how I feel about her, and try to be there for her as much as I can. Ultimately, I guess its up to her where her heart lies.

ckblade21,<p>You could ask, you could beg, you could threathen her but it is futile. You will push her more. You are a fast learner [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . She doesn't want M right now, as much as it will hurt you ... she wants OM. It doesn't make a lot of sense to you now but this is what plan A is all about.<p>Never leave your home but do not ask her to go too, buy time to work on your plan A.<p>Now, you have to plan A'ng your butt off. Try to remember what are her complaint in your M ... list it out ... way back as long as you think they are relevant. Tackle all of them and show it to her that you could change ...<p>God Bless you.

Thanks Redhat....and I think you're right.
She wants the OM.....at least for now. I know that the affair won't last, as there are too many things working against it. I just find myself feeling that the longer it continues, it'll eat away the feelings I still have for her slowly but surely.
I don't want her to leave, but at the same time, its difficult being with her when I know her mind is "elsewhere".
Maybe a separation is for the best. As much as I hope to save our marriage in the long run, it's difficult when many people close to me are telling me to kick her out and don't look back.
Part of me feels that way, and that makes it even more difficult.
[img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

ckblade21,<p>I kicked my WW out or actually she didn't return home for 3 days and I told her not to came back then she called me and wanted to see the kids ... she came back and say "I live here too" !. Actually, it 've tought me a lesson ... If OM is ready to take over or even something that WW could live with ... she would be gone. I will have a hard time to plan A'ng her. OM was not ready and to good to leave. Also if she ready to go, she might just go w/ or w/o OM.<p>For short term, you will feel fine and not too much hurting ... out of sight out of mind. In the long run is not the case. The scars is here to stay and dealing with it will help you to heal and recover. It won't be easy, it requires self control and anger management.<p>Again many MB'er had the same experience as you are, many has very fullfilling M now, in the recovery. Some get Dv but they are emotionally in peace w/ themself.<p>You could follow many paths ... common way, run and replace W ?. How do you battle sin ? ... by doing good. You battle selfishness with love ... show WS your best. If your best is not good enough for WS, you could bring it to some one else that will care/protect it. You learn by doing plan A to fix your "mistakes". At the end you will come out as a better man.<p>[ March 03, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

You're right Redhat. Thanks for the replies.
I've been giving plan A my best, and will continue to do so, even if and when we separate.<p>In an interesting sidenote, the OM's ex girlfriend ( who kicked OM out when she learned of affair), has givin me her phone # through a mutual friend. I guess she wants to talk about the situation, and "compare notes".
Hmmmmmmmmmm.
I would be interested to hear about the affair from her point of view.
Still debating on whether or not to call her.

ckblade21,
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I would be interested to hear about the affair from her point of view.
Still debating on whether or not to call her.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Call her. All the info are at your disposal to listen, use or drop it ... similiar to this post, take what you need and leave the rest behind. Let her know also what you are doing, she might need help too.<p>Good luck.

Well, I did call the OM's ex girlfriend, and she enlightened me on quite a few things I did not know.
Such as the trip my wife took to see her sister one week before D-Day. The OM went with her....no wonder she didn't want me to take her to the airport.
Now that I'm discovering the paper trail of deceipt and lies, the sinking feeling in my stomach is back. The pain is getting unbearable at times. Trying to stay busy.
I'm still in plan A full force, but my hope is fading minute by minute.....day by day.
I love my wife so much............. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

ckblade21,<p>Yes, it is a good info. Unfortunately, keep it to yourself ... do not reveal it to your W. Use it to find her honesty when the time come. I have a lot of info thet I keep notes of and when we are in recovery I will ask her to check her honesty. Yes, it turned my tummy up side down and I had to get stomach relaxer. I am better and stronger now. You will and you have to.<p>Did you tell her on what you are doing ? trying to save your M ?.<p>How is she now ?. Is she still at "home" ?.

I already asked her about what I found out. I asked her to come clean and tell me everything.....she did...or at least I think she did. Given the timeframe thats been established, I don't think there is much more I don't know....besides maybe details that I'm not interested in anyways.
SHe took the OM up to her mothers house for a weekend. How can our relationship ever recover from that without me being resentful...or How will I ever look at my in-laws in the eyes? It seems more and more issues pop up everyday.
Anyways, my wife is actually in worse shape emotionally than I am. Its funny, I'm the one who was betrayed, and I'm the one who is doing everything possible to help her get through this.
Sometimes, this doesnt make much sense. I'm more confused now than ever.
She is still living here with me for now......but who knows about tomorrow.

but this would mean she'd have to quit singing at a local choir, where the OM is a sound engineer.
And I know how important singing there is to her.
She has told me she doesn't want to quit singing there....<p>That is not the flaw in the plan. That IS the plan. Read SAA. Read this site. You will see that it is nearly IMPOSSIBLE to fully end things as long as they come into contact with each other.<p>My wife and the OM work together (teachers) so it is not possible for her to up and quit her job right now. We both know that one of them has to be gone by next year. If not him, then my wife will find a new job.<p>If your wife really wants to save your marriage, there should be nothing that she is not willing to sacrifice. Singing in a choir seems like a good place to start the sacrifice.<p>Be firm, be assertive. Let her know just how it would mean to you if she would do that and also let her know that YOU KNOW that she cannot hope to recover and to complete her withdrawal from him until she no longer has to interact with him. The mere sight of an xlover can reignite feelings and postpone recovery for months and even years.

I would be interested to hear about the affair from her point of view.
Still debating on whether or not to call her.<p>I advice caution but I also advice doing so. The fact that I spoke with the OMs wife on many occasions help lead to the eventual ending of the affair. Many affairs cannot survive the light of day. The more that people knew of my wife's affair, the harder it was to continue it with irrational justifications. That does not mean that you should go out and tell everyone, but you should feel no guilt with talking to his wife about what is going on. It is how I learned many of the details of the affair. I wish she had told me sooner (since she knew for about six months prior).

Well, it looks now like a separation is definate.
Now, we are discussing who should leave, and which one of us should my daughter should stay with. I've told my wife she should leave, so she can be "alone" and have the time to discover herself and what she wants...and I told her I thought our daughter should stay in the house with me to keep her environment as normal as possible.
Last night, she told me that if she left, she'd want to take our daughter with her. My WW says our D is the only reason she gets up in the morning, and that she needs her.
I am totally against this, because, after all, my wife went outside our marriage/family to have her needs met. I want to continue plan A, but at the same time, I dont want to back down where my daughter is concerned. I fear a nasty confrontation in the future. Any advice????? Anyone???

ckblade21,<p>Stay home and keep your D ..., I did and it turn out to be the best decision. Do you want to leave your D to an insane person w/ their fog ?. You do otherwise under advice and conseling of Steve or Jennifer ... but most MB'er will tell you to stay put and keep your D. Just keep repeating your point and don't engange in confrontational.<p>Good luck.

I want to stay home and keep my daughter while my wife leaves to "fix" herself, and figure out what she wants.
However, my wife will want to take our D with her if she goes.
I'm seeing a lawyer today, to find out what my options are.

Well...Im growing very frustrated. I've been in plan A for 2 months. DDay was almost 3 weeks ago, and my wife still doesn't know what she wants.
Whats really hard, is that a very good singing oppurtunity has emerged for her, and she is putting all her energy and focus on that....while I sit here in limbo..not knowing what direction my life will take.
I feel bad that she doesn't seem have the time to figure out what direction our life is going to take....but she always has time and motivation for her musical projects.
I'm giving her space...we have kind of an "in-house separation" going. Each of us gets out of the house on odd nights...limiting the time we spend together.(Her Idea)
We're gonna get thru this week that way, and re-evaluate on the weekend.
I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.
Anger at the OM has been an issue, and the only thing that has stopped me from going over to his place of work has been thoughts of my daughter.
I actually went to the OM's work last week...I stood at the door, ready to go in and drag him out. As I looked at my own reflection in the glass, I started to think of my little girl.
After a minute or 2, I turned and walked away.
If I ever get mad enough to go back over there...
I don't know if I'll be able to find that kind of control again. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]