I originally posted this in the wrong place... in recovery, which is not even close to where we are...
After much suspicion over several months, I told my husband several times that I thought he was having an affair with a co-worker (lots of unexplained time lapses, getting mad at me for no reason, accusing me of being paranoid, etc). He denied that he was having an affair on several occasions. I also believed he is depressed and that our marriage needed significant work on both our parts. We went to counseling for a few months, but I recognize now that he was not honest with the counselor. He seemed unwilling to try to improve our marriage or his own general unhappiness. As a last resort -- I was really feeling like I could do nothing right/constant mental abuse/making me feel like I was the crazy one -- I told him I thought it would be best if he moved out.
On the day he moved out, he was gone a really long time in between trips from home to the new apartment. I got suspicious and new in my gut something was weird. When he got home I asked what took so long and he made up some really lame baloney about re-doing the lease (to explain a 3+ hour discrepancy). When he left with the second load of stuff, I logged on to his laptop and found incriminating love letters and emails to and from the co-worker. I confronted him when he got home and told him I was sorry I had felt I had to snoop, but that I felt like I was losing my mind. He admitted to the 10 month affair and admitted that it was still going on. After much conversation, it came out that he had had her over to the apartment that day. I lost it and said many unbelievably cruel things to him -- I have a tendency to be very sarcastic and caustic when I am pissed. <p>When he left the next morning we were just plain sad. He said he would not have contact with this woman outside of professional communication at the office.<p>Subsequently, I opened bank statements (we have separate checking) and told him that I had done so and that I had seen that he had been taking someone out to nice restaurants/knew it was this woman. His reaction was that I was terrible for snooping/no acknowledgement of his continued involvement with the OW.<p>I really tried not to snoop after that -- it makes me feel crummy and like I am completely nuts/not in control of who I am. Unfortunately, I did snoop again by logging into his accounts on line. Didn't see anything out of the ordinary. Well, on Saturday he logged on and figured out that I had been snooping again. He said nothing, but when I went to check the accounts this a.m., he had been on and changed all of the passwords to something like pryingeyes. <p>I called his cell and apologized, but he has not called back. I am ashamed by what I have done, but at the same time my gut tells me that this A is still going on and I have no way of keeping sane and I am obsessing over this. <p>What should I do? I feel I LB'd big time and don't know how to get back on track. He still comes home from time to time and calls everyday. He says he loves me and cares for me, but is not in love with me and that the passion is gone. I fully recognize that some of my behaviors contributed to the unhappiness in our marriage and am trying to be a better person. <p>Not sure what to do. I feel like I have been trying for six months to be a better person/better communicator and have gotten nothing in return. This is so hard

unsureheart,
Don't feel sorry or ashamed for snooping ... it is a street smart thing to do. You have to protect yourself. I told my WW when she complained that I was intruding her privacy and snooping, etc ... that if she comes forward with the information I would not done that and also stupid me not doing that a long time ago. WS will try to get away w/ taking fifth adm.<p>You are in the place of plan A ... keep doing it and control those anger, I did the same thing. Review on the lists and to do in plan A again and again and think of the way to demonstrate change. You know when you have to go to plan B.

Hi, <p>You are definitely not alone in this journey. The road to recovery is hard and long. Your H is still babbling 'fogese' talk. It is very hard to follow through with his comments since they often don't make sense. So watch his actions and you continue to take care of yourself. <p>Realize this, you can not control our H. There are other influences he is willing to listen to than you. That will hurt but the quicker you realize this the sooner you will recover. <p>If Redhat comes back, may he will post his sig line. It is filled with all sorts of threads, read them all and come back to share your thoughts. <p>Take Care,
L.

I have read everything I can get my hands on the internet, bookstore, and posts here. I only wish I had found this site the day I found out about the A. I feel as I have done so much wrong -- insisting that he move out without practicing plan A first, snooping, insisting on repeated unpleasant conversations about our relationship, etc.<p>He has never really expressed remorse, but he continues to call every night and every once in a while show up at the house. I wrote him a long letter in the first week describing the pain, humiliation and sorrow I felt. He called to say that he wanted to respond, but couldn't. <p>Tomorrow night will be my biggest challenge. He insists that we not tell his parents (mind you we are both 39 years old) but we are having dinner with tomorrow night. In order to practice plan A, I feel that I should put on my best act in pretending nothing is wrong. This will be very hard as the parents are, IMO, a signifant factor in my husband's self esteem issues. When we are together with them it takes every ounce of patience I have to sit and listen to his father constantly belittle his mother and complain about everything from the napkins to the drinks, etc.<p>I seriously thought about saying I just cannot do this. On the other hand, I have so little contact with my WH that I am reluctant to say no. Also, he knows what a challenge this type of evening is for me and I think if I can be loving in this situation it will add to his love bank big time and show him that I can do it without complaining.<p>I still get a pit in my stomach and tears well up in my eyes when I see him and it's been almost two months since D-Day and his moving out. <p>Any words of advice?

unsureheart,<p>Please don't beat yourself up for how you've reacted to your H's A. And as far as him not wanting to tell his parents he moved out - that's just wrong - A's thrive on secrecy. I'm not saying to blurt it out over dinner, but I would let them know everthing is not peaches and cream. They'll figure it all out eventually.<p>Do you have family and friends to talk to? Use this time to work on yourself. You said there were changes that could be made on both sides so why not start working on your stuff.<p>I suggest you write a Plan B letter and cut contact with your H until he ends his PA.<p>Best wishes [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

i hope you made it through dinner ok? i had one of those experiences this week also. my wh mother and sister came for dinner wed. night. his mom started giving us all the family gossip. you know who is div. who and cant belive he did that, i thought i would die. his own mother sitting there telling us this and her son is in the same boat. she would die a thousand deaths if she knew, and so would he. oh yeah-you'll love this- his sister is a habitual ow. she has broken up two marriages that i know of. she married the first and that didnt work out-gee big surprise there- now she has a child with the second and they live a very comfortable life(he is a multi-millionaire). however she didnt really enjoy dinner because she was nursing a all day hangover from being out till 3 in the morning with a male "friend" gotta love her!!!!! i survived though.

Being a former snooper myself, I feel you have nothing to be ashamed of or be sorry for. Your H obviously gave you reason to be suspicious and, unfortunately, sometimes it's our only way of finding out the truth. Sometimes when we do though, we're sorry we did it because now what was once only doubt is now a reality we have to deal with. <p>Your H is using and saying the same excuses as my H at the moment....loves you, cares for you, but no passion, etc. Well, if he does have another woman then it is HIS fault that the passion is gone. He has taken that away from you and is focusing all of his energies on this other person. That is not fair to you at all. You're not even being given the chance to show your passion and affection....you are being denied that. <p>What your H is not realizing is that this other woman is an addiction and a fantasy. He is running away from resolving his issues with you to where he thinks there are no problems and the "grass is greener" theory. Little does he know yet, that if he left you and went to her, once the reality of daily life and routine set in, he'd be back to "the real world." He will end up living with regrets and by then it will be too late for him to get you back. Your heart will be long gone by then.<p>I wish you a lot of luck...it sounds to me as if you are doing all you can to try to make things right, but your H is still playing the role of single boy/bachelor. If and when he does come back to you, you may not want to rock the boat right away - but you should let him know that secrets and changing of passwords, etc., isn't the way to show trust in each other. Married couples are supposed to be partners -- not people who sneak around behind each others backs. Sure, everyone has their right to a certain amount of privacy, but when it is directly affecting or impacting another's life in a negative way -- I say all bets are off.

Well, the whole weekend turned out strange. We had a blizzard on Friday and so I got stuck in town at a conference that my H was also attending. He offered to take me out for dinner (his parents cancelled due to weather and rescheduled for Saturday night). We had a pleasant dinner and I spent the night at his apartment. What a grim place.<p>We had dinner with his parents on Saturday and it was ok (although I had to have a big cocktail when we arrived to calm myself down -- unusual for me). My H was clearly really uncomfortable, but the rest of us managed to have a pleasant conversation. <p>On Sunday, I went up to take a ski lesson (something I've always wanted to do) and H asked if he could meet me after the lesson and ski a few runs. It was fun and he was very patient. Following skiing, we had a brief conversation. I said that I felt he was still having contact with the OW he works with outside of work. I asked that he be honest and that I would not fly off the handle. He admitted that they've had "a few long talks" but insisted it was nothing more than that. Then he said the the new therapist he had agreed to see insists that he "suspend" (I don't really like that/I'd rather have "end") all contact with her outside of strictly professional communication if he is going to work with that therapist. <p>I feel more positive that we might be able to work on this, but am still really hesitant and find it hard to believe he is really going to go to no contact (or at least extremely limited contact). They work in a really small office (6 people) and have a work retreat coming up in April. I just don't know how to keep raising the issue and staying in plan A. <p>Any thoughts?