Good morning,<p>Well the call came that an apartment has become vacant and my WS will be moving prior to the April 1st date we thought.<p>I'm sort of numb to the realization and he was angry and distant for a day (I didn't know until he came home late from work and he apologized for it).<p>I keep thinking of the money that we'll both have to spend to furnish 2 homes, but I keep reminding myself that if we reconcile it'll all be for the best - we can't even think about reconciling until some changes are made and first recognized.<p>I just wanted to update the few of you who've been helping me during this time!<p>THANK YOU!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Well Free,<p>That is good news. Now, get your stuff in order to be on your own, with separate money, time, and priorities.<p>Healing yourself is priority number 1. And remember that Harley recommends no contact at all. Finally, time to focus on you.<p>Hugs to you.<p>OneDay<p>p.s. When is your H moving?

Thanks for your response!<p>I'm going to be getting a new checking account today and start that ball rolling.<p>I'm not sure when he'll be moving - he's going to look at the apartment this afternoon so I'm sure he'll have more information from the rental office. I would guess he'd be ouit by the 15th. I have a business trip the 13-15th so I'll probably come home to him gone.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>And remember that Harley recommends no contact at all.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>This is something I'm confused on only because he's not active in a current A that I know of. He does still work with the girl he sucked face with last October, and he's still into the porn, but other than that he's not active.<p>What do you suggest?<p>Thanks again for your guidance!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Free,<p>In Harley's HN/HN tapes, he says that plan B is what he recommends when one spouse has been trying to meet the others ENs and avoid LBs consistently for some sustained period of time and the other spouse is not reciprocating with learning to meet the top ENs, even where there is no A or the A is long since over.<p>It seems to me that this is exactly your situation. You have been trying to meet your H's top ENs and to avoid LBs, and over a very long period of time now, your H simply is not meeting your top ENs and most notably openness and honesty.<p>So, by my understanding of Dr. Harley and his HN/HN tapes, plan B is appropriate.<p>I had very much the same question as you six months ago when I asked H to move out. I even posted a thread on plan A / plan B. And my recollection was that NSR replied and considered that plan B with some variation perhaps was applicable, if I had exhausted all other avenues. At the time I posed the question, H had the HN/HN tapes (which I had given him 6 months earlier) and had not taken the cello-wrap off.<p>In addition, BrambleRose went to plan B after a long, long time in plan A. Her H, like yours, did not continue the A that was the subject of d-day #1, but he did continue to break the boundaries of acceptable behavior with flirtations and physical contact with other women. BrambleRose counselled with SH, and SH suggested she go to plan B. She did, with some contact, I think, because they have young children. After a 6 month plan B, BrambleRose and her H reconciled. Their reconciliation was a surprise, even for BrambleRose I think, given things she has said in some of her threads and replies.<p>Since BrambleRose has experience with plan B in similar circumstances (with the exception of young children) and had SH's advice in going to plan B, she would probably have the best advice for you. She is posting today on GQII, so why don't you go over there and ask her some questions.<p>When I forced our separation, it was because my H was not 'getting it' in any significant way. He had made promise after promise, and all of them were empty or got watered down by him. He was quite happy for me to be in plan A, to enjoy the benefits of it, and do very little to contribute to our M recovery. You know that I call our separation plan C, because we did have contact, daily contact in fact, but in relation to the children. Over time, we had some contact to talk or to have a meal together without the kids, but that was gradual and initiated by H to show me that he was taking responsibility and to have an opportunity to meet an EN or two.<p>My opinion is that separation without any contact, at least to start with, would be best. That way, H takes his issues and responsibilities wholly with him, and he takes some time to figure out what he is going to do with all that. When my H moved out, I reiterated my reasons for going to plan C and said to my H, "Our M might still have a chance, but it is entirely up to you now. So, please don't f*** it up." How's that for a non-MB parting?<p>I'll check back later, in case you have other questions or comments.

Again... Thank YOU!<p>You would think that I'd be an expert on all this since I've been here since early '99. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] Although I've always focused on the InRecovery section.<p>I feel a bit better about what I'm doing since chatting with you, so to speak. I'm gong to head over to find BR - I also directed a thread to NSR!<p>I'm thinking of contacting one of the Harley's once my H is out for some guidance!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Just a morning update...<p>My H called after looking at the apartment and they are requiring almost $2000.00 (2 months deposit and first months rent) up front because of his past financial history. He seemed disappointed and the old me would have said - borrow some money from me - but I didn't. This is part of the bed he made and he needs to deal with it himself, as much as I would like to get this rolling.<p>We are starting to distance ourselves as we both realize the time is approaching. I think this is good for him to feel and I'm not questioning him - if he wants to talk about what he's feeling he'll have to make the first move. I've decided I'm done bringing up the "us" discussions and I'm tired of trying.<p>I guess my taker is coming into play and I don't remember a time when that has happened - I'm a giver (and it doesn't make life very easy).<p>I'm still reading the Boundaries book and learning so much more. I wish I'd read this long ago and maybe I would have broken my patterns before all this pain in my life.<p>Have an awesome day!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]